[karisirish]

Hi,
I'm 26years old and been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months only and he is 31. He is great, sweet kind and caring and affectionate towards me. He constantly goes out of his way to do nice things for me, to ask me how I'm feeling, to give me hugs and backrubs and everything... the only issue we have is Sex. I know I'm probably picking fault with something I really shouldn't be. Its not that the sex is bad - because it certainly isn't... its unbelievably good and natural and intimate... more so than I have ever experienced before.. it means something, and I know he cares deeply about me.
The thing is I am a very sexual person, to me sex is a big part of a relationship... it wasn't always this way, but since my last relationship of four years sex was skewed, used as a weapon.. I was always a fantasy, there was always something new, exciting around the corner even if it caused me pain in the end... I really opened up and embraced that side of myself and am not afraid to try new things or be really intimate with the person I love. It seems that my man is always tired, that I'm the more dominant in the relationship and I really feel like I'm pushing... this has reduced me to tears more than once, because I feel like he is rejecting me, that he's not attracted to me, or that there is something wrong with me... I just don't know what... my confidence has been reduced to a pile of rubble, and I know logically that this is ridiculous, in the end its my self-confidence, it shouldn't be based on his feelings or reactions to me. Ive never had this problem before, that a man didn't want to have sex with me, generally I've had the problem that men Only want to get in my pants and I know this guy respects me far far more than that. I just don't want to feel like I'm pushing, controlling or making him feel uncomfortable by being the one who always makes the move. He seems to be perfectly happy to just hold me and lay with me without anything else and I just think that maybe he doesn't feel the chemistry the same as I do... im at my wits end. Im wondering if I'm just corrupted by the past experiments of crazy out there sexual experiences and that this is somewhat normality but I just can't see it... I don't want to lose him or push him away, I just feel like I'm not his cup of tea really.. and to be honest he has told me that his previous relationship was with a very catholic girl for more than 2years and they never had sex, but he still stood by her nonetheless and respected her wishes on that even though he did not share the same religious beliefs... im confused, can someone please help me make some sense of this?

[Cat1864]

The first concern is that you have only been dating a couple of months and you are worrying about the frequency.

How often do you have sex? What is a 'normal' frequency varies from person to person? One person may think that once a day is frequent while another may think that once a week is normal.

Is he tired? Does he have a job that leaves him exhausted from work or stress?

Does he have any health issues or is he on any medications?

One thing to keep in mind is that pressure to have sex can have a negative affect. Sometimes, backing off can help.

At this stage in the relationship, you should be learning to communicate with each other. He is the only one who can tell you how he feels about you. I will say it sounds like he cares, but he has a different way of expressing it (a book you might check out is Five Languages of Love) and his libido may be much lower than yours is.

One important question to ask yourself, are you trying to use sex in place of communication? Can you accept his affection as intimacy?

Can you accept that his libido may always be lower than your own, but that it does not mean he doesn't want you or find you attractive? It just means that you have to find ways to work around the differences.

[JudyKayTee]

Is your relationship exclusive for him?

"Very Catholic girls" are not the only WOMEN who don't have sex prior to marriage. It's a question of morals, not religions, and what one person thinks is appropriate for that one person.

I agree - this is not the man for you. He is sweet, kind, caring and affectionate but, for whatever reason, is not as willing and able to have sex (and I don't know if we're talking about intercourse or something else) as frequently as you would prefer. Have you discussed your past with him? Does it make him uneasy?

At any rate - I agree. This is not the man for you.

You are in a relationship (I married my late husband after 7 weeks so I don't believe there's a time limit involved that determines what is serious and what is not) and you share his bed. You need to also be able to talk to him. You will face a lot of problems (his, hers, yours) if you stay together. That's how life works. You need to be able to talk to him. If you can't or if he doesn't hear you, move on.

[shiveshrai]

Sex isn't everything, just wait & give him time & space...

[JudyKayTee]

Sex isnt everything, just wait & give him time & space...

OP already knows this - question is how little sex, how unexciting, she can "live with." OP is wise to question what she wants/needs prior to a commitment.