[phodawbar]

Don't know y the time on it say 630a but I'm already dressd and my sons up n dressed too

[J_9]

Just an update... its almost 9am and hes still not bac, im tired angry and worried, bout to call the jail and make sure hes not there God forbid

Would you mind giving me a general idea of where you live please?

[talaniman]

The honeymoon phase has been over for a long time now. The phase you are in now calls for action, and has nothing at all to do with you, or feels about YOU. This is all about what he is doing to himself, and how he feels about himself. The actions you take have to be about PROTECTING yourself from what HE is going through.

This is no phase, it's a very profound cycle that takes actions on your part to get through. Don't look for him, NEVER! Look to rally support of your family and friends, and seek safe haven to PROTECT yourself from his suffering. Whatever course of actions he takes to remedy his situation is up to him, and MUST be left up to him.

Had you talked to someone at ALANON, they would have laid out the do's and don'ts of being with a person who is suffering, given you facts and a course of action to take to get through this very trying, and dangerous cycle you are trapped in. But you having to be willing to stop enabling, and take action which may include kicking him from your life for a while, and let him make his own decision to get help on his own, or stay away from his family.

Unless he drowns in his own shat, there will be no changes, just more of the same. So make a choice and get busy doing what you have to do, even though you don't want to. So NO, don't look for him! Let him want to look for his solution to HIS problem, without you! No more excuses from you, this has gone way beyond that point, and has been a crisis for a long time now.

No more tip-toeing around the facts, deal with them with actions from the facts.

[J_9]

how can u tell if the honeymoon phase is a change or just part of the cycle..

Until he gets help for himself, it's always part of the cycle and NEVER the change.

says I'm the reason for his drinking

The real reason for his drinking is called addiction. It has nothing to do with you, yet the true addict is going to place blame on someone other than themselves.

so what y does what ever I'm going thro or how I feel even mattr

You see, it truly doesn't matter to him. What matters to him is the next fix, the next drink.

I know a guy who was released from rehab this week. Almost EXACTLY 24 hours later he was driving home while drinking a pint of vodka, his blood alcohol level was 0.33, (in most areas of the US the legal limit is 0.08) and that's enough to kill most people :eek:. He was so inebriated that he drove through an intersection and was t-boned by an 18 wheel truck! :eek: Want to know what happened to him? Nothing other than a scrape on his cheek.

This man could have killed my 17 year old daughter, or me, or my 9 year old son, or you, or your son!

You see, the point I am trying to make is that the alcoholic/addict/abuser has to hit rock bottom before they will admit that they have a problem. Until you leave your husband and take your child away from him he will not believe he has an addiction.

In the end, you can't change him. He has to change himself. The only way to help him is to leave him.

[phodawbar]

Mid Kansas. And I found him at a nothr friends house and was so mad I wasn't making sense. He kept sayn he wasn't doing nethang wrong... Everything he did was wrong for not calln me to not coming home. Said he was too messd up to come home.. I told him I didn't know that was possible coming from an acholoic.
Ill post about the other question later this evening cause I just received some horrible family news and I need to collect myself and deal.
Thanks to all of you

[DoulaLC]

Time to make a tough decision. You can't change him, you can't fix him, you can't make him want to change. It now has to come from him. He has used every excuse in the book to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions and how they have effected you and the relationship.

As was said, get support from family and friends. Make a plan of how you will take care of yourself and your child... then put it into action.

It very well may be what needs to happen for him to finally realize and take things seriously. Regardless, you won't have to deal with his issues.

It's not easy, but it has to be done for the well being and safety of all involved.

I wish you well... hope you have support for the unfortunate news that you have received.

[grammadidi]

Sadly, you are a textbook case of what NOT to do if your husband is an alcoholic. :( You are doing all the wrong things. You DON'T chase him, look for him, argue with him, try to talk sense into him, question him, wait for him, etc. None of that (and more) serves any purpose. The ONLY thing that might help is when you let go and do for you and your son. If you are happy, his own sadness and pain will hit a peak and he will either do something that will force him to get sober or he will choose it himself. He must fully and totally own his addiction... and you must fully and totally own you and your child's life. The longer you wait... the more damage you will do/cause. GO TO AL-ANON! Do it for 3 months without fail. Stop chasing your husband and taking responsibility for his actions. Let him worry about what he does or doesn't do. Look after you... look after your little guy.

I'm sorry you are going through other things in your family right now but don't let them be an excuse to NOT deal with the other issues. My thoughts are with you...

Hugs, Didi

[phodawbar]

Ok.. just being honest
The reason and only reason why I won't go and take a break and get a place away from all this is solely because I think he's would go off the deep end and end up sleeping with any and every female he ran across. I can't handle that again. Its been probably about 4yrs and I still could cry a river over it and it depresses and sadens me to all extense. I know its probably the most cowardly things anyone can do but I came close to taking my own life over it and my boss could sense it and gave me 3weeks off to collect myself. And I am grateful for that even though I know that is not likely to happen in a work field. I have battled depression my whole life and I have never had anyone to reach out to because my whole life I was told I just did things for attention but no one ever cared to relize or notice that I really needed help. I can't go thro that again and I think I subconsciencely relize that that's probably more pain then dealing with his behavoirs day to day. And yes he's been drinking everyday now for almost a week and a hlf doenst nessicarrly get drunk but just one beer turns him in to a mouthy hurtful person. Its like everything he says he doesn't care how it affects me. Today I got mad at him cause he went to lay down and I needed help getn my son ready for bed, my back won't let me sit on a floor or bend down to change him very easily with out ecrusinating pain. So of course I attempted to do it and my little boy is in that go go go stage and didn't want to hold still plus he was tired so he was crying. My husband came out and started screaming at him telling him to shut up. I immediately yelled and said he's just a baby and that's what babies do. He will be 11 months the end of this month. But maybe I was in the wrong maybe my son does whine a lot but I told him he better not yell at him while he's been drinking. I got well raise his *** your damn self and ill leave you both. I said Whatever!
But anyway If I left I could see him upset and picking a fight with someone and that would send him to prison for 8yrs and that's not going to do ANYONE any good. I'm just not happy and second guess everything I think I should do. I know you guys are thinking this is starting to get redundant and I'm sure it is. Its just I feel better talking to someone. On the allan groups I know this is an excuse but I don't know where to fit anything else into my schedule. I get home 7p on mon wed and fris and 530 on tues and thrus. Plus all the doctors. I am having to deal with.. 3 diff. Drs with 3 different surgerys.. I've held off my back surgury for a while now cause I would be tortured not knowing anythign being in the big city when my homes an hr away and what he's doing and my son. That would be a long long 7 days away. I know I'm pathetic. I know everything has to do with my abadonment issues. I just wish sometimes I could hold my head up higher.. little things get me down. Like today. I weighed in and I gained my 3 simple lbs back that I was so distrout the whole day that I even skipped the gym when that's where I should have been. Top that off all this stress of everything I think I started smoking again and I had done so well almost 4weeks with out and I just threw my hands up and heck with it but I know I'm slippn but I don't know why I won't catch myself. My husband doesn't act rationaly when things do go his way and he doesn't care what he does. He just deals with the consequence later. I would blame myself if anything happened because of me choosing to leave and though it wouldn't matter he would blame me too.

[phodawbar]

** when things DON'T go his way (I meant)

[DoulaLC]

You have already been abandoned, but you haven't accepted it yet. He is not truly in this marriage anymore than if he were out on his own.

It is up to you to make the life you want for you and for your son. What you have now, is not the sort of life you want to be living. And I know this is not what you want your son to be raised in. What will it take?? You getting injured? Your child being injured? It has already happened to you. What will you do when it happens to your son? Are you willing to wait for that to happen? Don't kid yourself that it won't. I bet you never thought he would treat you the way he does either.

If you don't make changes for yourself, think about your child. Your husband is a grown up. He has made his own decisions and has to live with what he chooses to do. Your son depends on your to make good choices for his well being! Make good choices! Look at that precious child and think about what he has experienced already.

You have the ability to make a difference for him. I'm going to be very blunt. So what if your husband goes out and does something stupid and ends up in prison. Maybe it will be what it takes to get some sense into him. If nothing else, he would get some of the help he needs.

He may not do it anyway, but how would your life be different if you were on your own one way or another?

You and your son won't have to deal with abuse... that in itself should be reason enough. You won't have to make excuses for your husband. You won't have to walk on egg shells all the time so as not to make him angry. You won't have to worry about where he is and what he is doing. You won't have to take his language and disrespect. You won't have to worry about the physical and emotional danger your son is currently in.

You will actually get to live safely, have the opportunity to build a wonderful life for you and your child. Learn who you are again and what makes you happy. Take back your dignity and self-worth.

You are afraid... that is understandable. It is a big step to consider, but there is help available for you. There are organizations that help women and children in your situation. What about family help?

Only you can make the decision as to how you want your life, and your son's life, to be. More of the same... and most likely worse to come, or a chance to have something better. Hard work and trying times to get there, to be sure, but I think you would find the result would be very much worth it.

[talaniman]

Would you rather him end up in jail or worse for being a zip damn fool, or going to jail for hurting you and your son?

Would you rather your son pick up his bad traits from seeing what he sends you through, or get the bad influences out of his life?

You have choices to make so get some help and do the right thing for you and your child, and let the drunk fool take care of himself.

[J_9]

I am going to be very blunt as well...

Do you love your son? Do you want him in your life?

Should you and your husband continue on this path, you risk losing your child to foster care. You and he are in an abusive situation and a very dangerous one at that.

I know you are worried about him going out and sleeping with other women should you leave him. Don't you think he already is since he never comes home?

Get yourself and your son out of this man's home before you end up losing your son.

[grammadidi]

...because I think he's would go off the deep end and end up sleeping with any and every female he ran across.

Sorry, too late. He's already doing so and I think you know it.

...but I came close to taking my own life over it... .

That's part of the problem. You are giving him far too much power over your life. Remember, YOU are responsible for YOUR actions and reactions. Taking your own life gives HIM the power. Not to mention that it shows how little you value your son's life (not to mention your own).

...that I really needed help.

You're right. You need help. So what's stopping you from getting it? How can you possibly expect your husband to love you if you don't love yourself? What kind of example are you giving your child? It's time to look after you. That needs to be your priority.

...but just one beer turns him in to a mouthy hurtful person.

Its like everything he says he doesn't care how it affects me.

Right again. He doesn't care how it affects you. All he cares about 99% of the time is his addiction. It will only get worse if you continue to allow it.

Today I got mad at him cause...

Sorry... waste of time. Every time you get mad at him he considers himself to have a reason to drink. Once he realizes that you are looking after yourself, allowing him to take responsibility for his actions, etc. you will be that much closer to having a sober husband.

My husband came out and started screaming at him telling him to shut up. I immediatly yelled and said...

This is what you need to stop - IMMEDIATELY! This will be emotionally harmful to your son, it makes you feel like crap and gives your husband another excuse/reason to drink.

...If I left I could see him upset and picking a fight with someone and that would send him to prison for 8yrs and that's not going to do ANYONE any good.

Well, a few comments here. First, if he was upset and picked a fight that's HIS business and HE will have to pay the consequences for his actions. If you continually try to control his actions, thoughts & feelings he will continue to turn to his addictions. In fact, that's a common thread in practicing alcoholics. It's like the drinking is a sick attempt at taking control of his own life. In addition... you are wrong. IF he went to prison it may be exactly what he needs to sober up. Are you afraid of him being sober?

... I'm just not happy and second guess everything I think I should do.

On the allan groups I know this is an excuse but I don't know where to fit anything else into my schedual.

Yep, it's an excuse. If you want something bad enough you will do anything to get/do it. If you truly want and need support then get yourself the help and support you require. This will create stability and happiness in your life and your son's life and will likely have the single most important positive effect on you and your husband's happiness, his sobriety and your child's security. You can and will fit it in if you want to be happy and want to support your husband in sobriety.

I've held off my back surgury for a while now cause I would be tortured not knowing anythign being inthe big city when my homes an hr away and what he's doing and my son. That would be a long long 7 days away.

Find a dear friend or family member to look after your child. That's what responsible adults do.

... I know everything has to do with my abadonment issues.

If this is true you must deal with them or they will destroy you, your husband and your child.

... I think I started smoking again and I had done so well almost 4weeks with out and I just threw my hands up and heck with it but I know I'm slippn but I don't know y I won't catch myself.

A slip with your smoking does NOT have to mean that you are smoking again. It means you made a mistake and have to get back on track immediately. You don't know why you won't catch yourself?? I will tell you then. You want HIM to rescue you, take care of you, guide you, etc. You are doing exactly what he is doing. STOP IT... NOW!! He will NOT rescue you. Show your husband what you expect him to do for himself. Model the behaviours that you want to see in your husband through your own self.

My husband doesn't act rationaly when things (don't) go his way and he doesn't care what he does. He just deals with the consequence later.

Isn't that exactly what you are doing? Speak for yourself only. It's easy to find fault in other's. What you must do is realize that the things you find fault with in others are most often the things you need to change in yourself. Regardless, you need to act rationally. You need to care what YOU do.

I would blame my self if anything happend because of me choosing to leave ...

You seem to feel a lot more powerful than you are. You are not God. Give it up to God. He looks after fools and little children, they say. I will say this once... the CONTROL you 'attempt' to take to 'help' your husband is precisely what you must give up. When you TAKE it, you are preventing him to feel like he has any control. He drinks to try to take control.

The ONLY think that will help this situation is for you to learn what you should and shouldn't do in order to help yourself... and your husband. Do you want him to be sober? If so, then let him have control of the things he needs to control and get yourself to Al-Anon. Get back up help for your son. Create a plan to ensure your safety and emotional well-being.

I guarantee that you will see results within a very short period if you follow my advice. I know it's hard... been there and done that... and had 2 kids only 10 1/2 months aparet, too. You CAN do it! Please take the first step. I know it's hard to hear all of this but it is your only chance. I can't tell you enough. You must get help now. You are at risk, your son is at risk and your husband is at risk. All of those things can change if you do what will REALLY make a difference.

Hugs, Didi

[phodawbar]

Well. We are separating and he promised me ill never see him again after he gets off work. All started cause I asked him to watch our son while I washed my hair for a sleepstudy I had to do at the hospital tonight. Called me a weak-*** B.. I guess that's cause I needed a little help from doing everything all the time. Well he didn't feel good so he didn't want to do anything. Well when I'm sick he doesn't do anything for me. When he asks me to rub his back even if its 3am I do itt but when my bac itches it's a problem for him to scratch. So since he acting crazy I'm not going to the testcause I don't care about anyresults I know its stress.. dr wantd me to do it cause I can never sleep more than 2hrs at a time. He told me to but my son in the play pen. I turn around and my sons alseep I didn't want him sleeping cause then he won't sleep thro the night. But that was an issue. Told me I don't sleep anyway so wuts it mattr if he wake up... wow you can already tell who never tends to the baby when he wakes up. He screamd every word out at me that could insult me in front of all the neighbors as he pushed me outside with barely any clothes on. I'm done with this and I am so hearrt broken that he couldn't give a thing less.. but he feels so sick that he can't do anything to help but he felt fine enough to drink 3 beers. I can never get a break. When he was in prison I worked 2 full tyme positions at my job and took care of an infant. I went out one night which was the last night of my materinty leave even though I was still working thro it just hrs that fit me. He says I went out. That's the only tyme I've been out in 8yrs and my mom said I needed to before I killd myself with alll I was doing. Never get a break but he goes out and I guess that makes me a weak female. I know I'm a strong independent female but why am I sitn her cryn because I got called weak. I'm not a ***** but yet that's what I get screamed at in front of the public. He is not the man that I married and its so hard to acknowledge that. He was my prince and now he isn't anything but a devil and he keeps swaring on his mothers grave that's he's going to beat me to a pulp. I'm done mentaly but I can't make my body move on.
Sorry I'm just venting but again I think everyone for their advice this is just one ill never win. Pray for my future cause right now its looking grim

[DoulaLC]

Your future is not looking grim... you have hope, you have opportunity, you will be free to make the life you want. He has given you an out... take it and run with it.

It is hard to let go of what you had hoped for, and tried so hard to make happen, but it wasn't in your control. That doesn't mean you won't find it someday elsewhere.

Now contact the police and make them aware of the threats. Contact a women's shelter, a family member, or a good friend and get yourself the support you need to see you through. Focus your attention now on taking care of yourself and your son.