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nishasweety · May 9, 2011, 05:04 AM

Hi I am new here so please take it easy.. :).. so the story is that I and my boyfriend of 3 years are madly in love with each other.. I am 18yrs and he is 21yrs.. we both want to marry each other... he is understanding and says I am the love of his life.. his angel etc :)and I have told him that I won't do sex before marriage.. I explained him lovingly, and he agreed and said that he will wait.. my honey doesn't force me on that... he lives with his parents... just about two months ago he went out of town to study, so he lives there alone in a room... it was all going great until that one fine day I just checked up his account and he had done a webcam sex chat with a stranger for 20 minutes... and I just freaked out!. I did'nt talk about this to him.. and I don't want to!. please can some males here explain me what does this mean?? Is he cheating on me??

amicon · May 9, 2011, 05:18 AM

I'm confused,is this the boyfriend who cheated,then came back and now everything's going great?

Funny how checking people's accounts sometimes brings bad news,isn't it?

In spite of not wanting to talk to him about it,that's what you should do.

Would I consider this cheating?

Yes I would and it's probably not the first time either.

talaniman · May 9, 2011, 09:39 AM

So you snooped, and find out that your boyfriend of 3 years jacks off alone in his room with a female over his web cam??

Talk to him about what you found out, and how, as how long this has been going on would be the concern, and I doubt this was the only time. I would imagine this was a progression from magazines, to porn, to web cam. I mean a guy alone in his room... with a young virgin girlfriend of 3 years would be jacking off, I THINK, and for a while I would imagine, but talk about it.

Is this cheating?? I would think its is, only because of the web cam interaction, with a live person. But maybe he doesn't see it that way. So you better talk, and get things straight between you. That's the only way to set boundaries, and voice what you expect from each other.

You looked for dirt and found it, so deal with it! Still think cheaters can change??

dwidrick · May 9, 2011, 10:58 AM

I agree with amicon and talaniman. You definitely need to talk to him about this. I also agree that digging around on someone's account never leads to anything good. So if you can't handle possibly finding something out that you didn't want to, I would refrain from doing so.

That said, as Talaniman stated I wouldn't be surprised if it is a result of a sort of progression from simple porn things to something with more substance. And yes I do think the interaction aspect of a webcam sex chat could be considered cheating to a degree. But 3 years is a long time to refrain from sex, masturbation, etc. and if you don't set boundaries then you can't really be overly mad just because you never expected him to think of an online sex chat as simply a form of porn.

In today's society it is tough not having sex or looking at porn just given the way sex is marketed everywhere and how it is portrayed compared to past society values.

In short, you definitely need to talk about it.

mmresd · May 9, 2011, 12:55 PM

It is not cheating, it just means he is bored, is not getting any, and wants to pleasure himself which is completely normal. Is a little short of a strip club. However, you DO NOT check anything of his, that is disrespecting him, so if you do that, what gives you the right to complain about him disrespecting you?

Good Luck,
Javi

DoulaLC · May 9, 2011, 01:55 PM

It's cheating if you think it is cheating. Talk to him about it and see what the two of you can be comfortable with.

pattygrown40 · May 9, 2011, 04:02 PM

Yes that is cheating and nasty too!! He knows all the ropes and gropes before you two can engage in a long lasting sexual activity! You're a Virgin and he is not and love can change him but on the other hand what he is doing can be damage to your relationship and cause a breakup!! You need to know how long this has been going on and see if it is an addiction!!

nishasweety · May 10, 2011, 08:42 AM

Thanks to all of you for your answers mmresd,amicon,talaniman,dwidrick,daolal,patty :)... to add I want to tell you that, I am an extremely good looking model type girl(told by all), thin ,long hair, nice height etc... and he came into my life... he was my first love... he came into my life just for flirt and was having a girlfriend already... he did'nt knew I was so emotional... I just showered him with so much love THAT HE SERIOUSLY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME... 2 months had passed and then he's telling that he had a girlfriend already... I was devastated, I went away... he came back after 4 months... he said he can not live without me, he left everything, everyone for me... for 7 months he kept begging me.. pleading me to come back... AND I ACCEPTED.. SINCE THEN OUR LIFE HAS CHANGED, I FORGAVE HIM... ITS BEEN 3 YEARS NOW.. HE'S A TOTALLY CHANGED MAN... LIKE MY DREAM COME TRUE... I said him strictly that I won't do sex before marriage as it is against my values... he said that he will wait till we get married... evrything was going like a dream... a loving, caring, understanding,loyal hubby (I treat him like my hubby and am his wife :) except for the sex part)... AND ONE THING I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ALL THAT HE HAD DONE THAT WEB-CAM SEX CHAT FOR THE FIRST TIME (HE WROTE IT TO THE GIRL)... AND THEY DID THE CHAT FOR 20 Minutes AND THE GIRL LEFT THE CHAT SAYING THAT HE WAS NOT LOOKING INTERESTED... (awww this was the only thing that made me a bit calm)... I COULD MAKE OUT HE WAS NOT FEELING COMFORTABLE IN IT(I looked into his account because he had given me the password long ago, and he might have forgotten about it)... but still he did it at least, this is the only thing eating my heart... is this cheating or he was just trying to full-fill what he could'nt get from me?? Please help... thank you

mmresd · May 10, 2011, 08:50 AM

He was just tryingto fulfill what you won't give him. This time he sought something through the web, next time he might seek it in person.

Good luck,
Javi

pattygrown40 · May 10, 2011, 09:00 AM

It doesn't matter what one looks like!! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and love is blind!! I agree with mmresd! eventually he will seek out for more flesh up close and personal! You both are young and his Loins are Throbbing!

dwidrick · May 10, 2011, 09:03 AM

I would say also that he was just tryingto fulfill what you won't give him. Not that it is something he is doing to hurt you because if he has been with you for three years like this and agreed to no sex until marriage he obviously respects your values as a person.

There are simply a lot of easy resources out there now that can provide a bridge between this until you two take that next step, that aren't necessarily cheating depending on what you two have communicated as right or wrong.

DoulaLC · May 10, 2011, 02:42 PM

That is key... what the two of you decide together that you are OK with and what you aren't OK with. If your relationship is that serious, this is one area that you want to be sure you can discuss openly and honestly.

Cat1864 · May 10, 2011, 03:36 PM

As has been said, communicate with him. He needs to know that you found out and that it is a boundary he should not be thinking about crossing no matter how 'deprived' he may think he is.

As for 'fulfilling what you won't give him', that excuse is a load of manure. Masturbation and porn are reasonable measures for taking care of sexual needs when one's partner is not available. Talking to someone else and getting off with them isn't.

He may be waiting for sex with you until marriage, but it really doesn't mean much if his 'sacrifice' is mitigated by playing games (in person or by web cam) with other people.

nishasweety · May 11, 2011, 01:31 AM

Thank you... I think you are right.. I should talk to him about this... although am not willing to.. I love him so much, I just feel afraid that will he get too defensive :( I dun know... but I think this is the only way to get this burden off me, as it is eating me inside *sigh*... so'll try to ask him today.. wish me luck

nishasweety · May 11, 2011, 01:36 AM

"he was just tryingto fulfill what you won't give him. Not that it is something he is doing to hurt you because if he has been with you for three years like this and agreed to no sex until marriage he obviously respects your values as a person."... thanks a lot.. u gave me a bit relief... :).. and that communication part, I'm just so nervous about it.. can you tell me how should I confront? Like how to start?. thanks xoxo :)

nishasweety · May 11, 2011, 01:39 AM

Thanks to all for your support... feeling a bit good now as I've wonderful people here to help me :) xoxoxo to all...

amicon · May 11, 2011, 02:56 AM

Don't confront him-have an adult discussion with him-as in telling him that,yes,you snooped,but what you found is really upsetting you.

dwidrick · May 11, 2011, 07:59 AM

I agree with Amicon... don't confront him like it is all on him, because you did the snooping so that doesn't make you any more responsible than him. Be intelligent about it and don't make it all his fault. You simple have to communicate some boundaries for this since a precedent has now been set for actions that you do not find acceptable for the relationship to continue on a good note.

Good Luck!

nishasweety · May 11, 2011, 09:19 PM

OK so guys I talked to him about it and to a shock HE DID'NT DO IT!! HIS Friends WERE OVER HIS PLACE AND TWO OF THEM HAD DONE IT... AS HE WAS THE ONLY ONE Having A LAPTOP... I said my honey that I am leaving him and he started crying :(... he said "i swear on my mom i did'nt do it" .he said he's going to die if I ever go away from him... awwww... silly me... if I had'nt talk to him about me this thing would have remained in me for life... well in short everything is back to normal... THANK YOU ALL WHO MOTIVATED ME TO TALK... XOXOXOX LOVE YA ALL :)

nishasweety · May 11, 2011, 09:23 PM

Thanks dear... now everything is fine