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sergio2815 · May 3, 2011, 10:34 AM

My girlfriend and I were best friends for 2 years before we started doing a long distance relationship. She has had feelings for me for about a year and a half. About a month and a half ago she came out and visited my family. Things did not go great, she did not sleep all trip and was generally grumpy.

Since that weekend things had taken a turn for the worse. We used to talk every night 2-3 hours. We went through a gap where we would talk 10 minutes a day. One night she sends me a text saying, I am sorry I am not being supportive right now I don't know what's going on. We talked the next night and she tells me that she is afraid of moving home and is not sure that she is ready for a relationship. She still wants to talk but wants to take a break. She tells me that she has a hard time adjusting to change and that she does not want to hurt me. This is happens to be 2 weeks before I was going to drive 12 hours to help her move home. We kept in touch over the few days and 1 week before she is to move home she calls me telling me she feels guilty about me helping her move home. She wants to move on her terms and not with the preassure of a relationship. She wanted the "friend me" to help her move back. It is just going to be her and her mom (who spent every night that week helping me paint my new house). I decided to still help her move home because I didn't want her mom burdend with everything. During the move we hardly spoke at all.

She has been back for a week, and is calling me all the time. On Sunday I had a missed call and 2 hours later she texted me call me when you get a chance. We spoke and had a good time, like things were when we were together. She texted me later that night telling me she feels like we have not hung out in forever and she wants to see me. We had plans of going to a charity function and I told her I still had her ticket if she was interested. Last night she called me and told me that yes she wants to come and that she is missing her cake decorating class to come.

I don't know if we are just going as friends or is she trying to put things back together

sharper11 · May 3, 2011, 10:46 AM

You need to bring this up to her. You should not be confused as to where your relationship is heading. If you are going to "just be friends" you need to know that and figure out if that is what YOU want. If not, then you should distance yourself from her (at least until you are ready to just be friends).

Unfortunately, this is what happens when friends take it further. There is always the chance of losing both the relationship and friendship.

It may be an awkward conversation, but it is one that needs to be done. Good luck.

ironhide262 · May 3, 2011, 02:01 PM

OK, so, you helped her move and now that she is lonely you are around to cheer her up! It's so great when you are demoted to friend status! You can be the great supportive guy you have always been and she gets a shoulder to cry on and someone to make her happy but, without any responsibilities of a real relationship.

Go ahead, ask her straight up, "What are we...who am I to you?". If you get the "I don't know/not sure" or just a blank look... you know it's over... don't waste anymore time. At best you will be the back up plan or in her words "friend".

Even if she wants to get back together you should be wary as this is not the way happy couples solve problems. That's a red flag. It's not enough to simply get back together... there's an issue here and it needs to be figured out.

So, get the facts, be direct and accept nothing less than 100% commitment from her... act accordingly!!

Homegirl 50 · May 3, 2011, 05:36 PM

She already told you what she wants.
She wants to move on her terms and not with the preassure of a relationship. She wanted the "friend me" to help her move back
She does not want a relationship. She wants to be friends. If this is not acceptable to you, if you want more, you need to tell her.

talaniman · May 4, 2011, 07:23 AM

You think she will change her mind, and want to be a couple again, when she clearly told you she rather be friends? Doesn't work that way, and you acting as if she will change her mind, is at the heart of your confusion. She isn't confused. She just wants friendly attention from you, and that's it.

Recognize what's going on, as the only decision you have is to accept the friendship for what it is, and give up hope for more, or walk away, and let the dust settle until you can. Its going with the flow, and building up false hope within yourself that's causing your confusion, and failure to act accordingly to what has happened.

You simply haven't made the right adjustments for the changes that have happened in your situation. You are friends, and friends can be very honest with each other, and get things in the open in a clear calm way, and deal with these concerns. That does mean YOU have to be as honest with her, as she has been with YOU, and you both have to understand that being a couple has CHANGED the whole dynamic of the friendship you once had.

Actually you are now exes, friends who tried and failed to be a couple, and think you can just go back to just friends. That may take some time, and so get started with the honest talking, so there can be clarity.

mmresd · May 5, 2011, 11:13 AM

If you think you are getting mixed emotions from her then you need to sit her down and talk about it so that you are not living in false hope. It seems to me like she has broken up with you and is trying to be friends still, not that she is wanting to get back together. Also, you need to let her know how you are feeling about her, because of you are going to be trying to fix the relationship and she is not down for it, you might also lose her as a friend. Finally, if you still have romantic feelings for her it would be better if you stopped seeing her until you are over her ad then try to become friends, don't try it now.

Good luck,
Javi

Jimmy78 · May 8, 2011, 02:23 PM

Right on

Jimmy78 · May 8, 2011, 02:35 PM

Looking at all these answers all of you are right on point at what you are saying my ex used me after being so good to her for 2 years together and we were friends 22 years before that so she showed me just how much I meant to her. She just wanted me to be a shoulder to cry on, be there for her when she was alone, and need me when everyone else who she treats better then me treats her like crap. I tried over and over to get her to see that I truly cared for her but all she cared about was what she wanted and told me that she stated what she wanted and if I really wanted to be with her I will get what she wanted which was a place to stay and a ring on her finger like her friend who she was trying to be like. Now I know when someone says "Time Apart" to walk away.

Homegirl 50 · May 8, 2011, 06:10 PM

She does not want you and she has not given any indication that she has. I don't think she is using you either. She was pretty honest with you.
I think you are angry because she does not want a relationship with you.
If believing this gets you to leave her alone so be it but you will not get commitment from her, she does not want to commit to you.