[wap]

Don't worry 4 answers, you will feel better someday. It takes time, and all you can do is ride this thing through. : ) Anytime you need to vent or anything you can send me a message. I understand what you are going through. It is hard to accept the person you love so much has gone, they are living their life without you etc.

Just try to keep yourself busy, fill your time with nnew things, go on a course or something. If you keep busy your mind will be busy and hopefully we can cut down some of your think and analysing. You sound like a nice person, and you are just finding this hard to deal with. This is normal : )

[SouthernBelle06]

Have you ever heard the saying, "what we resist persists"? It's true. I have been doing a lot of reading lately and I came across this particular saying as applied to a breakup.

You are a prime example of resisting a breakup like crazy, rather than trying to accept that it is over. When we begin to accept what is and instead of fighting it, try to make the best of the situation we find ourselves in, (which is our life after the breakup... no, we didn't ask for these breakups but nonetheless here we are stuck in them) it slowly starts to lose its hold on us and it paves the way for the feelings to start to naturally dissipate.

I was in an 8 year relationship before my latest breakup (the latest breakup is the one which brought me to these boards by the way) and I resisted that first breakup for a lot of years. I stayed stuck in misery for a long time because I refused to accept that it was over. But when something happened which was the final straw for me and I miraculously began accepting that it was over and there was nothing I could do about it, only then, did I begin to get over him, which was a task I thought would NEVER happen.

I finally realized that I was doing the same thing with my latest breakup, resisting it, keeping myself stuck in misery, holding onto what was, not wanting to let go of any hope that he may return... and again found myself in a similar miserable state to the one I was in before.

I finally realized that I could either continue to torture myself and everyone around me by holding on to this guy or I could begin to try to accept that it's over (not by my choice, but still over nevertheless) and at least try to begin to move on. I learned this the hard way twice, but I am learning and working on my healing.

I have decided to try to make the best of this post breakup time that I have found myself in, rather than choosing to beat myself up over it any longer. I know that there isn't a bone in my body that wanted this breakup or wanted my ex and I to be in a situation where we don't speak to this day, so why am I feeling guilty over what happened?

I didn't cheat on him, I didn't leave him for another guy, I didn't treat him poorly, etc. It was quite the opposite in fact. I was honest, had good intentions and no, I wasn't the smothering type either. I always took care of myself, worked and looked darn cute around him if I may say so myself... lol... but things still didn't work out. I know it hurts and kills your heart. Believe me, I know. But you do truly need to begin to try helping yourself here.

What I am saying is that you really need to begin accepting that it is over with this particular girl right now, possibly seek professional counseling again, perhaps even medication (if you indeed have a problem with obsessiveness), to begin to move past this. From what you are posting, it seems as if this situation is ruling, if not ruining your life. Good luck to you.

[Copperhead6]

Okay, now day 3, you are starting to get a little somewhere! You may not have gone through the worst yet! I remember when I first went no contact I was having dreams about the ex every single night for like a week and when I first woke up it would take a second to sink in that we weren't together anymore! All that matters is take it one day at a time and do not break the no contact or you will have to start over from scratch! Keep Going!!

[4answers]

I am well into no contact with my ex. As far as I know she is with another, don't know for sure, but no point in trying to find out as this is irrelevant !

Trouble is I want to forget her, live a happy life without her in my thoughts. But that is not happening.

I know that I need to replace her with something or someone of higher value so that her value to me will diminish and I will then not think of her. As I will have moved on emotionaly.

But how do I do this. I cannot force myself to stop thinking about her, If I suffer rejection from another then this leads to value reversal for her !

So stay single and miss her, because there is something of high value missing in my life or aproach others, suffer rejection which makes me feel low and I miss her more.

Being single is definitely easier for women as they are aproached by the opposite sex, so they do not suffer from the loss of emotional interest as much as guys do. Guys have to do the approach and face damaging rejection which makes us feel worse and want what we had that made us feel good. i.e. the positive emotional interest of the ex !

Any suggestion ?

[rol]

What is wrong with being single 4 answers?

<<I know that I need to replace her with something or someone of higher value >>
Yes, why not replace her with being happy alone!

instead of trying to find a new girl get to know girls slowly as friends. Just meet girls and be friends and if they like you it will become obvious.

[valinors_sorrow]

Dealing with loss is only profitable when its done alone. We can all add our support here 4answers but the grief process is yours to go through or muck up as you see fit. Muck it up and you'll pay for that down the road. Its just how humans are. The time after a break up is critical. You may have to think of her until you are just so incredibly sick of that and then, in one stunning floodlit moment, you get it. OMG This isn't about her, its about you. And it will all change from there.

You might also look up a thread here about Transitions and how difficult people find them. It could help in explaining some of what the grief process is for you.

I can tell you this with almost 100% certainty. If you do not fight your way back to a comfortable singlehood or even discover it for the first time, then the next relationship you have will be selected out of a kind of invisible desperation that will cause problems for you, and in turn, her. Easing the hurt of one person with another person is called rebound, by the way.

Rol asks a very important question -- I would advise you not ignore it answering it for yourself.

[4answers]

Thank you both.

But I have done the being single and prefer to be part of a couple. Not that there is anything wrong with being single, but its not fulfulling. At least not for me ! Guess I am just one of those people who prefers to have someone. Gives life a greater sense of direction and purpose. I get my greatest pleasure from caring about someone, being there for someone. I don't like not being able to do that.

Although it is a want, it feels like a need.

[kaitou]

Well I think being unable to let go of the past prevent you to move forward. So, if you really hate being single that much, you really have to accept that it's over. So you can move forward and meet something new. Right now, you sound like you're stuck at the same spot :S.

Let's put it this way, how are you suppose to meet the girl that you're SUPPOSE to care, if you're wasting your time wanting to care for the wrong one? How can you care about someone when you can't even take care of yourself?

[Gawain]

I know exactly how you feel, going through a very similar thing, it hurts like hell and it seems like there is no way out from the pain of missing you're ex wandering if there going to contact you, and they never do. ( But only to make sure you're still on the end of their string when they want to pull it) wandering if their with someone else , wandering if they think they have made a mistake and want you back, thinking is he better in bed , all while you have to deal with being on your own for the first time and lonely since god knows how long , and thinking you're never going to meet someone else, it's a horrible nightmare that you have to go through , in fact its one the hardest things in life to go through...
Here is what to do (well it may help) don't get another girlfriend yet, try and go through the pain of being single and lonely, for when you come out the other end you will be a much stronger person. You will not rely on others to make you feel happy or secure wanted or loved. Because when the relationship finishes you will feel much worse and you never gave yourself a chance to grow or work on yourself to find true inner happiness. Getting a girlfriend straight away may seem like a miracle cure and it does work for a while but it's even worse when it finishes... I do believe that most women are stronger than men they have an ability to turn their emotions off when they want and they seem to move on faster with no looking back. This is what hurts us most, but you too can get to that stage if you give yourself time to grieve feel lonely and deal with your own inner insecurities this takes time but it's worth it, it's really hard.. Try and go out with friends get on with your life build up a single life with hobbies friends and things to do, (this takes time) and amazing things will happen, if you don't look back in the past.
Don't blame yourself this girl just was not right for you, you didn't fail the relationship failed... you won't stop thinking about her until you force yourself to stop thinking about her. When she pops into you're head and you think of all the good times and what you did for her and how can she be so cold towards you now,( I must of meant nothing to her type bull)... distract yourself with anything grab a guitar or do something you enjoy anything and gradually over time you will realise you think about her even less, its only you and you're mind that is torturing yourself its all in your head , I know its hard but another girlfriend is not the answer right now. Deal with this the hard way and you will get through it and eventually you will not think about her at all.. And you will be a much happier person stronger as well.. I have been there so many times its horrible. I'm single now but am not going to jump into another relationship, I am going to stick it out, its harder but I'm beginning to feel happiness by myself the loneliness was almost intolerable I cried myself to sleep, but gradually it gets easier, you get used to it, and its worth it in the long run anymore break-ups after this will be easier to deal with because you know you can be happy on your own... Stay strong man! You will get through this no matter how bad it seems now. Think of all the disabled people who have never had a woman close to them you're so lucky. The right person will come along when the time is right and when you have dealt with your inner emotions and become happy through all the pain and heart ache by yourself you will be a stronger man and will be her rock... THE PAST IS HISTORY, THE FUTURE IS A MYSTERY, THE NOW IS A GIFT ,That's WHY IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT... and WHEN ONE DOOR OF HAPPINESS CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS , BUT OFTEN WE LOOK SO LONG AT THE CLOSED DOOR THAT WE DO NOT SEE THE ONE, WHICH HAS BEEN OPENED FOR US.

[Skell]

Thank you both.

But I have done the being single and prefer to be part of a couple. Not that their is anything wrong with being single, but its not fulfulling. At least not for me ! Guess I am just one of those people who prefers to have someone. Gives life a greater sence of direction and purpose. I get my greatest pleasure from caring about someone, being there for someone. I dont like not being able to do that.

Although it is a want, it feels like a need. !

Herein lies your exact problem.

If you can't be happy and fulfilled alone then you will never be truly happy and fulfilled in a relationship.

We all prefer to have someone, but we are also just as conformable not having someone.

Don't you see how needy and desperate this is. It isn't a healthy way to live your life at all. Relying on being with someone else to fulfill you. That is unfair on them as much as it is on you!

You should get your greatest pleasure out of caring and loving you first and finding that direction and purpose for yourself alone. Not someone else's direction and purpose for you.

You are wanting to depend on someone else for happiness in life. Not healthy at all. Find your own happiness first and I'm sure it won't be long and you will find someone just as happy as yo are that you can love and care for all you like!

[4answers]

Hi Guys. I am a month into no contact. Very hard. Very lonely.

I was out last night and met a girl who I have liked for ages. When I first knew her, I was waiting on signs that she liked me, but this did not happen.

Last night she was very friendly and said she had a boyfriend, to which I replied that I should have asked her out when I first met her. She was very nuetral to this and did not reply or say anything.

Discussed things about work excetara. Told me where she is working, living now and so on.

Now she is with this guy so I guess nothing will happen there, pity.

But is it better to suffer rejection and the negetive emotions of that or a relationship that does not work out and the heartbreak or the regret of what might have been ?

[LBP]

Honestly, man, sometimes it's best just to take a chance... And remember, the more you get to know someone, if they have a good soul, the more beautiful they are...

[valinors_sorrow]

Wait, am I hearing you correctly? That because your timing is off with the new girl, it amounts to a rejection? I think that is an indication that you still aren't "on your feet" so to speak. Its just some timing is all, dude! LOL Maybe you need to actively look at what makes a person so lonely, and what solutions you need to create to address that -- like friends, interests, goals, etc. before you approach any of the girls.

[kristynn]

It doesn't seem to me that she rejected you. At all.
She was simply neutral when you replied that you should've asked her out when you first met her. She was probably unaware that you had this intention...

As for now, unfortunately, it seems that there's nothing you can really do concerning this girl.

Though, I'm not sure if I understood your question well...

[4answers]

Thanks guys. Your right I am still not totally on my feet, I still have a lot of negative feelings and emotions over the past relationship, hoping this will pass.

Due to shyness, I did not ask the new girl out at the time, I guess given that shy people don't give out the right vibes, she may not of known I liked her.

Only time will tell with her.

I am trying to not let lonliness get the better of me and become more atractive to women... lol, a feat harder than winning the lottery... Bring back the days of the club, that's what I say!!

[valinors_sorrow]

It may serve you well to look at what you are actively doing to "let those negative feelings pass" since it almost seemed like you are using the present to add to it. It kind of reminds me of what we would say in the rooms of AA to someone building up to take a drink: don't let the facts stand in your way of growing that chip on your shoulder, since when it gets big enough you'll get to justify taking that drink!" LOL In your case, I am not sure what the pay off is but I don't think you are exactly starving out those negative feelings and that needs to change, if its really going to pass.

If shyness is a concern, work on that. If some other aspect of self is a concern, work on that. And don't kid yourself that this all comes any easier for anyone else, or you'll need to work on that too. LOL I am not being unduly hard on you 4answers, I just want you to see what it really is here and have a fighting chance at turning it around, okay?

How are you for friends to hang out with, never mind dates for a moment? And how satisfied with your general life are you and if not, what are your plans there? Those can be very useful things to concentrate on just now. You need to get a grip on this --that lonliness is not your ex's fault, its yours and what you do or don't do about it will influence a lot here.

PS - I think it was smart not to ask the new girl out, she said she has a boyfriend.

[talaniman]

If you have time to go out and troll for chicks you have time to read to bed bound kids in hospitals or passing out groceries to the poor. You don't need to look for females to talk to, they are everywhere. Volunteer work not only will put you with better people than a bar will, but give you the opportunity to not be lonely, and work on your shyness in a setting that will payoff in the long run and will kick the self esteem and positive attitude through the roof. If your to busy to work on yourself then maybe That's your problem.

[4answers]

If you have time to go out and troll for chicks you have time to read to bed bound kids in hospitals or passing out groceries to the poor. You don't need to look for females to talk to, they are everywhere. Volunteer work not only will put you with better people than a bar will, but give you the opportunity to not be lonely, and work on your shyness in a setting that will payoff in the long run and will kick the self esteem and positive attitude thru the roof. If your to busy to work on yourself then maybe THATS your problem.

I never thought of that, silly I know, to wrapped up in my own issue. I might give that a try Thank you.

[4answers]

Hi guys.

Silly thought it sounds I am finding being single hard and have a desire to call my ex ! Guess I am finding it hard because I have not met another.

Any advice on dealing with this ?

[alizeblu]

Keep busy.
Don't give yourself time to dwell on such things.