[Separator]

I'm about to write a book, but I have to get it off my chest. If you stick in there and read the whole thing, I'll appreciate you for the rest of my life.

So my ex of 5 years broke up with me almost a year and half ago. I won't get into the reasons because they don't matter at this point. Anyway, after she broke up with me she moved to thousands of miles away. Over the last year she would email me and try to get in touch with me to see how I was doing every couple of months. Just recently, about a month ago, she called me, drunk, but kept saying how much she missed me and really thought of me and this and that... and she invited me to come see her where she now lives

I never really stopped having feelings for her. I guess I never really got over her... so I jumped at the chance and booked a flight to see her. Yeah, bad idea, I know, and everyone warned me against it but in the end it was my executive decision. She emailed me shortly before I went out there and said she was getting nervous and that she just wanted us to be friends when I came to visit and that I don't bring up anything from the past. I was OK with this. Yes, I still had feelings for her but I was going to play it cool and not bring up any things from the past or try to push romance.

So I flew out there last Thursday and she picked me up from the airport. I was a little nervous because I hadn't seen her in so long. We went to get dinner and drinks and we both got pretty drunk. Apparently, she drinks a lot now, which I'll get into later. So we leave dinner and then she tells me that she's going to drop me off at her dad's place (who lives there) because she is a little freaked out and apparently, I'm giving off a nervous vibe that is making her uncomfortable. Here I thought I was just playing it cool. She drops me off at her dads and goes out drinking with her friend. I am just absolutley mind boggled. You invite me here. I flew halfway around the world for her to pawn me off on her dad and go drinking with her friend a mere 3 hours after I land? Are you kidding me?? Am I crazy for thinking that is one of the coldest things someone can do?

So I am beyond pissed so I start calling her up and she won't answer. I keep calling her. Texting her. Telling her I don't understand what's going on and that I wanted to hang out with her and meet her friends. She just ignores me and then tells me to get some sleep. I go on a walk with her dad who I always liked and who always liked me. He tells me he's trying to get my ex to go to AA meetings because she has been drinking pretty much every day after she gets done with work (she's a waitress). So the next morning she calls me and I miss the call and she leaves a voicemail saying she got a little freaked out last night and just needed space, but she was glad I was here and wanted to take me to the beach with her friend and she was going to come pick me up.

She picks me up, I meet her friend. I'm thinking everything I fine. She drops off her friend at the bank real quick and while we are waiting she tells me that I was a little too intense for her last night and that she wants me to stay at her dad's place the rest of the trip. I just get confused and she says it was because I kept calling her and texting her. Whatever. I accept it and apologize and that was that. We hang out at the beach all day and again, I thought everything was fine. I was just having a good time, chatting up her friend, talking to her, not bringing up a single thing from our past or making any kind of romantic gestures. We leave the beach and go to dinner. Here we go again, thought everything was fine. I had an enjoyable dinner with her and her friend.

After dinner she drops her friend off and then drives to her dad telling me she has to talk to him. She comes back out and then says I have to go and stay with her dad. I'm like, *** is going on here. I ask if we will hang out later, and she says no and that she doesn't want to hang out with me and that she hung out with me all day. I'm just in absolute shock. She removes my bags from the car. I grab my bags and just start walking down the street. I feel like I'm going to vomit. She drives right by me. I call her up and ask her if she will take me to the airport and she refuses and then calls me "crazy pants". I have no clue where I am and it's night time so I call her dad up and ask if I can come into his house and he says yes.

He wanted me to stay there while I was insisting I have to leave to go to the airport. He says there's no sense in that and to wait until morning. He leaves and says he will be back in an hour. He said he was really upset with my ex for what she just did. When he leaves I just can't take it anymore so I call a cab and get a ride to the airport. I fork over more than a grand to get one of the last flights out of there for the night back to a point that is about halfway from my my home. I'm in absolute shock. Tears pouring down my eyes. The airport people probably felt sorry for me. I text her saying I just don't understand what the hell is going on. I tell her that I still love her and that I don't understand what the hell is going on. She texts me back saying she is so sorry for leading me on and that being around me was just too much for her and that I should call her dad and hang out with him for the rest of my trip. I just text back "You are selfish, F you" and leave it at that. Her dad calls me but I ignore, he leaves a message concerned about where I went. I board my flight, and I'm holding back tears. I make it half way home, and then have to scramble to find a flight back home.

She emails me the next night saying how sorry she is for everything and that when she invited me to see her she was just drunk and lonely. She said she really just wanted to be friends and that the whole time she claims she could just read my mind and tell that I wanted to say something to her or push romance on her and that it made her feel uncomfortable. She claims that I was just so nervous and it made her feel so uncomfortable and she couldn't deal with it. I'm just mind boggled. I never brought up anything from our past, I never pushed romance, I was a little nervous, but who the F wouldn't be if you were seeing your ex for the first time in so long. I thought I was enjoying myself, I enjoyed hanging out with her and her friend but she claims the whole time I was just trying to impress and be with her and all my focus was on her and that she felt like I was watching her the whole time. ***??

I'm just mind boggled, all my friends and family are mind boggled. I don't know how any person on earth could do that to someone? Am I wrong for thinking what my ex did was incredibly selfish and cruel? I should also add that my ex had a terrible childhood, and also has what I think is borderline personality disorder. Also, apparently she drinks all the time. I'm sitting here with $2400 that I basically burned for this trip, I'm in shock and I just don't know what to think. So I turn to you on this board. What the hell just happened?

[J_9]

You were played. That's what just happened. She did a drunk dial on you and you played into her and ran out and got a plane ticket.

Ex's are ex's for a reason. They should remain in our past.

Now go completely No Contact. You don't need to have any contact with her whatsoever from this point forward.

You did what you did, and it is what it is. Leave it there, heal, and move forward in your life and leave her behind.

[Sumitkumar7266]

By your story.I can understand that you love her a lot and ready to do anything but my friend their should be some self respect.. First of all you should have follow your friends advice and shouldn't go there but that is already happened.. Forget her.. We should not be like ATM's where anyone can withdraw and will never care to deposit.. Give your love to them who are really worth of that.. Who can understand.. In life we can get variety of people and some are selfish and cruel.. They just want to make them happy.. They damn care about other's feeling..
I will tell you one small story"

A boy asked god why she loves arose which dies in a day but doesn't love me who dies for her everyday..
God replied that she is unlucky and stupid and your love is for other who will be glad to get that.
You did a mistake by going there but don't feel for that.. Forget her and forgive her.. Don't say any single bad word to her,on the same time don't receive any cal or message her back.. She will be feeling guilty and I bet that feeling will be with her for full life time that she did bad to a nice guy.. Let her stew.. U be cool and try to get out of this ASAP.. Now never go back,doesn't matter how much she misses u,how much she try.. Leave her and NC is the best way to heal you.. Time will cure every wound..
Now it's time to focus on yourself.. Try to do something which makes you feel better.. Join gym,listen songs.. Make new friends.. Do some much work so that when you will sleep in the night,you will be very tired and will not think about her.. All the best.

[amicon]

You got the 'I'm drunk and lonely and I miss having someone around' call-and had you talked it through with her,once she'd sobered up, before rushing to her side,she might have backed off and you'd have saved your dollars.

Cruel or not,time for serious no contact-don't take any future calls-change your number if you have to and restart the healing process.

[ken007nielsen]

Wow just wow.

This is an incredible story, I'm betting you feel stupid right about now.
But your right, she's not right in the head - that's really low of her. But now you know that she is not someone for you since, if she can treat you like that - she obviously doesent have any respect for you!

$2400 that's tough, but I guess that's the price messing with an ex in your case.

I'm sure you can get over her now, engage in NC start living your life again and forget all about her.

[Cat1864]

I am going to be blunt and probably harsh.

I am seeing it a bit differently. You played yourself.

Yes, she called you drunk and lonely. You knew that and jumped at the chance to see her. You ignored all the warning signs and flew out to where she was with the expectation that things would be great and you would be her only thought while you were there. When that didn't happen you got upset.

She could have communicated better. However, you could have handled the situation a lot better.

If you had not been 'pretty drunk' (on top of being jet-lagged), would you have been more understanding of needing some space after spending three hours together for the first time in well over a year? If you had been in a better mental condition, would you have reacted like a clinging boyfriend when she dropped you off or would you have said, 'let me get some rest and then we can spend time together'?

It sounds like she was already nervous and that was probably affecting her perception of events, but your texting and calling didn't help. I am also wondering if you were as impersonal toward her as you want to believe you were. It seems to me that you are still wearing your heart on your sleeve where she is concerned.

Your own actions and reactions say that your expectations were probably not very realistic. That was not her doing. That was your own.

As has been suggested, go No Contact as you should have in the beginning instead of allowing false hope to survive and build up from one phone call to another. Take responsibility for your own actions and let yourself heal.

[Separator]

So Cat, you are saying this is all my fault and my ex did nothing wrong. Her actions were completely normal and unselfish? Are you kidding me? I would never do what she did to anyone. You don't ask someone to fly halfway around the world, tell them you miss them and want to see them, and then ditch them 3 hours after landing.

Just to add to that... she could have pulled the trigger on the trip and told me NOT to come. She didn't. She led me on and even admitted as much. Also, the next day, I apologized for the calls and texts and didn't do anything clingy the whole second day, then she does the same thing as the first night.

Yes, I could have handled things differently, I could not have booked a flight to see her. But to say that she is in the right here and did nothing wrong makes absolutely no sense. Would you do what she did to someone Cat?

[amicon]

I think what Cat's saying is that we are all responsible for the way we react to other people's actions.

I think you acted out of false hope and things didn't,for various reasons turn out the way you had hoped-that's your responsibility,nobody else's.

Your ex is fully responsible for her own actions-accept it didn't work out the way you hoped it would and start moving forward.

[Separator]

You're right. I am responsible for going to see her and expecting things to go great. For whatever reason, they didn't. I can't obsess over it, that does no good. If we were supposed to be together, we would be. But we aren't. I think it's a sign that we just aren't meant to be.

[southamerica]

Seperator-

Clearly this has been immensely painful for you.

But you can't see it as black and white. Good guy vs. bad guy. Your ex left you, she moved far away, she called you up drunk and invited you out. You had high expectations of the trip-and I can understand why.

After so long not seeing someone you love and with whom you wanted things to work, getting an invite from them is so exhilarating, and if you're anything like me, you imagine that this is a sign that she feels deep down the same way you do.

When she emails you saying that she only wants a friendship and that she doesn't want you to have high expectations-you already had those expectations. You were willing to sell your expectations short just for the opportunity to be near her.

You were obviously upset that she didn't want to spend large amounts of time with you while you were there. A single text saying, "We should try and make the most of my trip here. Let's plan out the rest of the week more carefully. Sound good?" would have sufficed. The multiple texts tell me what they told her: you have an emotional investment in your expected outcome of the trip.

Let me just say to you that I have been in your shoes. And I thought that I played it sooo cool, and that the guy I wanted would never know just how badly I wanted him-because I played it cool. I was lucky enough to stay friends with him long enough to talk about "those days"-and it turns out, you can't play it cool. People know when you're a puppy for their love-no matter how much you try to hide it. Jumping to buy the plane ticket, showing large amounts of eagerness to be around her, showing disappointment when you have to leave her side... those things DO add up.

It's not your fault. But it's not her fault either.

Could she have communicated better? Yes.
Could you have exercised better logic? Yes.

You both got in too deep over your heads. Plain and simple. It was an overwhelming and emotional circumstance that you BOTH put yourselves into-and without a clear exit strategy. No good vs. bad. No "I'm totally innocent and she's totally not". No blame game. It is what it is.

It's a lesson you have to learn. Ex's must stay ex's. Now go no contact, write this off as a learning experience, and begin to heal.

[Separator]

I just wonder what would have happened had I just done what you said and sent her that reasonable text, but I was drunk and jet lagged and just so shocked that after I flew 12 hours to see her she doesn't want to hang out with me more than a few hours. I wonder how things might have gone differently.

[southamerica]

Well, probably not very.

My main point was-whether you think so or not-your expectations were obvious in many, most, if not all, of your actions. The text was just one example.

You have feelings, and those feelings fueled your expectations. You have no control over that. I understand why you were shocked and hurt-I'm sure everyone does. What should have happened, is you should have said to her when she invited you, "That sounds great, why don't you call me tomorrow if you are still interested in me visiting. I would love to catch up".

Did you do that? No. Would I have done that? Probably not. Feelings aren't really the best compasses, but they are the loudest. It is with our feelings that we decide to visit someone who's only momentarily feeling tender. Not with our brains.

Furthermore-you'll destroy yourself obsessing over the "what-if"s. YOU will destroy YOURSELF. So, stop.

The only use for "could have, would have, should have" thoughts is to equip yourself for future circumstances and relationships.

[Separator]

You're right. The fact remains, I was not ready to see her. She wanted friendship. I wanted more than that.

The day after she drunk invited me, she texted me asking if I still would come, I assumed she was sober then. I just thought if she really wanted me to come out there she must have some kind of feelings left for me. And you're right, I didn't use my brain, I was acting on what my heart was feeling and that was a mistake.

Because let's say I way out there and we had a great time together and then I came back. Then what? We live thousands of miles away from each other. Even if we did get a long, what really could have come from all this?

[ironhide262]

What happened was you found out what kind of person she is! It's no doubt that anyone who reads your story will agree that what she did to you was cold and heartless.

However, it's also quite plain to see that you made a decision based on feelings rather than good judgement!

Even if, instead of giving you the b*&ch combo plate, she was sweet and nice the whole time you still would have been flying back feeling like garbage and crying your eyes out. You flew out to her hoping for reconnection when, if you stop and think about it, the basis for one was never there in the first place.

All you can do is learn from this, put it in your past and move on!

[talaniman]

An expensive lesson for sure, but hopefully you see that listening to a drunk, and assuming she is sober later, is not worth investing time, effort, and MONEY into, or getting carried away by your own feelings of false hope.

Kick yourself once and let it go, or add more misery, and pain on top of the misery, and pain, this whole thing cost you.

You screwed up, you are human and like the rest of us you made a mistake. When the dust settles the only thing that counts is, did you learn from it.

Just do better next time.

[Separator]

Thanks talaniman. I should have learned my lesson a long time ago. I should have just stayed NC from the start and never replied to any email or call, but I tend to think with my heart instead of my head. I can't do that anymore.

[talaniman]

Ahhhh! Seems you HAVE learned something. That's great, now forgive yourself and her, and be done with this anger and frustration, and do something GOOD for YOURSELF!!

That's what I would do! Heck what else can you do??