[jbcpfc]

Hello,

I'm a 26 year old male who until 6 weeks ago was in a relationship with a 25 year old female. We had been together for 2 years and before then had been very good friends for 18 months, in fact I knew from a very early stage of our friendship that she was attacted to me.

I was dumped on March 13th because she felt the 'spark' had gone out of our relationship and that, in her experience, it never comes back. Nothing I could say or do could change her mind she was 100% resolute.. This all happened 5 weeks after I moved into her flat after months of planning (she asked me back in October). At no point did I get any indication she was feeling this was - in fact she said herself that she couldn't believe she was ending it with me but she had come to some big realisation...

The reason that drove her to this decision was sex - over the past few months our sex life had dropped. We weren't a paticuarly adventurous couple but it was for a good while (whilst I was living away in London and we saw one another on the weekends) very healthy and satisfying. There have been a couple of times where I have tied to initiate sex and she has given me the cold shoulder which has caused feelings of rejection and frustration in me - this first happened in Oct and she said that she was the one who had problems and that she was conscious of her weight and that perhaps her pill caused a lower sex drive - when it happened again in March which caused a frank discussion I awoke the next day with her in tears telling me it's all over.

I moved out and we have talked since that day, which had been very painful and emotional experiences for both of us - it's been very hard for me because I am so desperate to work together to try and sort this out - she has told me she loves me but is not in love with me and that we have just become good friends and that at 25 she is not prepared to settle for this - I can't understand this, we are very good on a lot of different levels of our relationship, what angers me is that she kept something like this back and has dealt with it it the most dramatic fashion, our relationship was stronger than this and they require work, it's true that I didn't want to rip her clothes off after two years (who does)but I loved her and was committed - true you need to be physically attracted to someone but I'm still the same person I was 2 years ago, in fact she made a major play for me in the beginning - to me she exists on a pure emotional level and that buzz you have at the start won't last - but what you develop with someone overtime can be just as special - she has ruined that now.

What do I do? I have fought so hard for her and got nowhere - I still have a lot of unanswered questions and mixed messages (she loves etc) but does what she say really hang together for you? To me it's a flimsy excuse - everything within a relationship can be worked on and talked inc sex - why go for the most dramatic option and cut lose after two wonderful years together

I know time is a great healer - I know we both need space and time apart but I feel there is only one of us doing any reflection... I can't speak to her again now... It will only cause damage... these websites help get a wider perspective but I need advice or a tactic about what the hell I do next in a situation like this

[amicon]

Her feelings changed and that did'nt happen over night.

It seemed to you as if it 'came out of nowhere' but these things never do.

So you accept that it's over and start putting your life back on track.

One day you'll appriciate that this happened now and not five years down the line.

[mmresd]

You are looking for answers in the wrong places. It's not WHAT she said... It's WHY she said it. Regardless of why she bro up with you, she has broken up with you. You need to start healing and find someone who wants to be with you, because obviously she no longer wants to. It is hard, but it is not impossible to let go of someone who you care deeply about. Stop trying to get her back, let her feel the consecuences that her decision have cause, don't contact her and let her miss you. Maybe then she will come back, but don't plan on it, just do your own thing and if that time comes you will have a different set of cards to choose from.

Good luck,
Javi

[talaniman]

When one partner changes their mind about a relationship, then you leave them alone, bow out gracefully, and keep your dignity and self respect. She doesn't want to work with you and that spark is not all about sex. Feelings just change, and sometimes, well most times they cannot be fixed. But they do have to be dealt with. She dealt with her feelings by ending things, and now you have to deal with yours by accepting what has happened.

Let the dust settle on this one, and move on and enjoy doing your thing and exploring your world. Disappear from her life.

[jbcpfc]

Thanks Guys - tough words but I needed that. In regards to the last point - I agree that feelings don't change overnight but the lack of respect to dump them on what could have (perhaps) been salvagable through honest conversation and reflection have been taken away from me - this is my life and I would liked to have had a little say in the direction it went - on this occasion I didn't and I'm finding that very hard.

I think the most bitter pill to swallow is having talked afterwards and I've pleaded for her to think about this she has remained resolute and stubborn - you guys have indicated that if that's the case then there's not much I can do... I understand that... but accepting that is the hard part - I thought I meant more, I thought I was worth saving... I'm not.

The 'spark' is not all about sex - and relationships are not all about fantastic sex however this is where she has indicated where the problems lies - she phyiscally doesn't want to be with me, everywhere else seemed good - we were mates, she even said that she didn't expect this to be happenning but her reaction to being intimate had 'woken her up' - I wanted to take sex off the agenda for the time being and I could have honestly done that - but that wasn't a solution either... I can't win, my tactics about how to work this have not come into the equation.

There will be no more contact from me - I would like to think I've kept my dignity, I've fought for her which I believe I'm entitled too and she knows how I feel - but I am walking away... questions unanswered and still a lot of confusion over what has just happened to my life... but as you have mentioned I need to get myself healthy again... I will always cling onto time and her realising what she has given up (a great deal in my opinion! ) but I can't live my life with that hope

So this next stage is the hard part right?

[talaniman]

Yes its really tough for most. Making that transition from relationship to single because really none of us who gets dumped finds it easy to change old habits, and comfortable routines, or sever old attachments. Especially when you are not expecting it, and let me tell you, its mostly you struggling with your own feelings than it is losing a partner of a few years, but for a while, that's all you can focus on is her.

Once you focus on you, the problems get a lot clearer, because while you can't control what she does, you will learn to control what you do about it. Takes a while, and it takes practice, and determination. And a lot of patience as you get honest with yourself.

The trick is to always be good to yourself, and be happy with yourself, and you won't fall prey to thoughts of not being good enough, or not being able to be happy again. Had you had that attitude before, while in a relationship, then it would not be such a personal rejection, and all those feelings that come with it (disappointment, shock, insecurity, fear of being alone, etc), YOUR feelings I might add that came about because your happiness was tied up in someone else being happy to be with you.

Mourn your loss, and have a proper healing through building a life that you enjoy, so you can share happiness, that starts with you. This will make you more experienced with coping with your own feelings, and better at your next life event.

Not saying that it will be a piece of cake, but it can be interesting if you are not distracted with fighting with yourself.