[adviceishere]

I might have to make a very big decision tomorrow. My boyfriend has not been very relible over the past year and a half, I have forgiven him over and over again and I keep getting let down. Last night he went out with a bunch of friends and he is still not home, I'm pregnant and he knows we've an appointment in the maternity hospital tomorrow. We don't have to go often and its hurting so much more that he might be letting me and our baby down for a bunch of people that don't like me or have ever welcomed me when we got together.


From his track record there is not much hope of him showing up to support me tomorrow, I will have to go alone. It's the second weekend in a row I've been crying, it stresses me out intensely when he does these things. (there is so much more he has done to this relationship than I can ever say) I want to break up with him if he doesn't show up because I know in my heart it will happen again and I want to stick to this decision, I'm tired of crying.

Its always easier to forgive him because it means I don't have to go through having to be broken hearted for weeks and months, it also means I don't have to go through my pregnancy alone and I'm scared I won't find anyone again and I will be alone with my baby while he goes out get out of his face with other girls. Its ruining my experience being pregnant. I already have depression and anxiety and I can't take my medication until the baby is born.

Obviously I can't follow the no contact rule because we now share a baby, so how do I get over him if I end it?

[amicon]

This decision needs to be made now,and then you should make all the necessary practical arrangements so that your child will have two loving and supporting parents,even though the two of you are no longer together.


Decide when and where he sees your baby,and stick to that schedule.

As he's the dad,he'll always be there in that capacity,but you will be able to move on from the relationship and,in the future,congratulate yourself upon having made the right choice.

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[adviceishere]

Had to spread the rep, thanks again ;)

[redhed35]

Have you talked to him about this? His behaviour? How vunerable your feeling?

Your scared, could he be scared too? Is that why he's behaving like this?

Pregnancy tends to intensify emotions, I'm not negating yours, only saying, take a breathe, talk it out first, see what he has to say then take it from there.

Having a baby is a huge life changing event, even the most stable couple can get a little shaky.

[adviceishere]

Yeah he knows how vunerable I'm feeling I understand he is scared too but I have been a tower of strength for him since we met and I expressed to him that I now need him more than ever, we agreed he would go out once a month to his friends as we need to save money (I haven't went out at all) the same thing happened last week and he apologised etc etc, I seems that nothing is ever enough for him, he always wants more, we will agree to something or another and he always has to break that agreement, he hasn't once stuck to an agreement we've made in over a year, and I have never once broken one.. so this is why I need to just stop this cycle.

[redhed35]

What about ACCORD ( irish free relationship counselling service), would he go? or an intervention, perhaps a close friend of you both?

You sound as if you have already made up your mind, but if your still on the fence throw everything you can on the table for discussion, if your still ready to walk make sure you have lots of support, family and friends.

[adviceishere]

I'm pretty adamant with just getting this over and done with. And actually I remember seeing a question on this before and someone had advised them to seek couples counseling and when the OP said their partner wouldn't go, we all told her that he obviously didn't think the relationship was worth saving.

I too asked him to come to counseling with me and he too said no... this waved a huge red flag in my head a few weeks ago.

I always knew this relationship wasn't right but I was too slefish to let it go... and now I'm pregnant.. im fully prepared to face this alone, I just don't want to cry anymore or miss him or go back on my decision just for an easy fix.

[Fr_Chuck]

First most likely no contract may be easier than you think, since many fathers will not come around and about the only time you see them is in court when you have to take them there for child support enforcement.

Also often you don't have to see them either, you arrange someone to pick up or drop off.

[amicon]

It's OK to miss people and cry,it's part of the healing process-whilst you remain steadfast in your decision.

Think of all the good,happy things you can do without this worry;how you can enjoy your pregnancy and how your family will be there to support you.

[Jake2008]

It's too bad that it took getting preganant for you to realize that your boyfriend wouldn't make a good husband, or father. I think that you are right to know, or realize now, that he isn't likely to change into a person who is responsible, reliable, or honest.

While letting him go now, might seem like a good idea, my response is, first things first.

Sit him down and talk to him- one more time. Tell him if he doesn't attend counselling, and step up and do the appointments with you, and try to be a better partner, then you expect him to leave. It would probably be less stressful for you to have a reliable friend, or family member to help you through the pregnancy.

If he does go to counselling, he has to keep it up, and make that one commitment to you, to do so, so that you are not left on your own. I would also add other conditions such as no more boys nights out, etc.

He either steps up, or he doesn't. All he knows right now, until you lay down the law, is that he can do what he pleases, and you always forgive him. Time for you to have basic expectations, and for him to follow them.

If he is all you have and you have not thought through what you are going to do without him, or who will be there to help you, you need to do your homework. Should he not follow through, you need a plan 'b', and you need to stick to it. Because you are pregnant, your options are limited, and you have to move quickly, but you will know soon enough if you lay down the law, and he doesn't step up, you have to be then prepared to be on your own, hopefully with help from friends and family.

And the reality is, a baby will not make a bad relationship work. I'm not saying that he should suddenly become a loving partner, I'm only saying that he should step up, be a man, and see you through this pregnancy. That would be the only expectation I would have of him.

He may turn out to be a deadbeat dad, he may not. He may want to establish visitation (when you do leave him, or he leaves you). You may never see him again. But, if he chooses a relationship with his son/daughter, even at some point in the future, you will be in a position where you will have to realize that you cannot deny him access to his child, because you have had a bad relationship with him.

And, I'm pointing this out, to get the point across that it would be easier in the future for all concerned, if you make the right decisions, for the right reasons, now.

[talaniman]

Since you will always have a child in common no matter what, then see this as a divorce, and all the emotional traumas, and ADJUSTMENTS you will be facing. Scary I know, but unavoidable. Many drag this process out, but if your mind is made up, then know that it will be a hard road to travel, but one that must be taken, or their will be no progress.

I feel for your dilemma, so I won't sugar coat this to spare your feelings, but I am totally against anything that takes the focus away from your task to deliver a healthy child, and am against making life changing decisions in the middle of life changing circumstances.

Instead consider building a base of love and support with your family, and good friends for now because there is plenty of time to dump this fellow, after you have delivered. I just don't think it wise to fight two battles at the same time, when the stakes are so high.

Good luck. Have a strong healthy baby. You have our support whatever you decide.

[adviceishere]

Thanks Tal
Well the update is, I ended it anyway, we have agreed to be on good terms and stay friends (distant friends), I'm lucky to have a huge support network, his and my family are being great. So now its time to face the heartache, I hate this part :(

[amicon]

You know it was the right thing to do-look forward to better,calmer days.
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[adviceishere]

i can't stand the loneliness

I have been on my own since the last post. I'm trying my best to be strong but its hard. I think I'm over the initial breakup, I still have feelings for my ex but I don't think I will ever go back there again. I don't love him like I used to.

But most nights I cry. I don't cry because I want him back. I cry because this isn't how my life was meant to be. A single mother. I know I can do it on my own and I'm ready for that. But not having the love of a significant other makes me feel lonely and sad. I, like many other women, have grown up believing I would get married and have children but that hasn't happened. Everyone keeps saying to look forward to having my baby and I am but sitting at home day in and day out on my own is taking it toll, I have tried getting out and about, there's only so much I can do, I have siatica, so I need to rest a lot. I have tried everything to keep busy!

I know there's not much any one can say or do, because I honestly have tried everything, and to be honest I do feel a whole lot better being out of the relationship, I know I did the right thing but its sad to think I'm doing it alone and I can't share my experience with a partner like I always imagined.

Anyway, this is more of a little vent on my part as I have been crying again. So just need to get it out of my system.

[talaniman]

>Cyber hugs<

>Cyber hugs<

>Cyber hugs<

Let me know when you have had enough!! :eek::):D

>Cyber hugs<

>Cyber hugs<

>Cyber hugs<

You will never be alone while your cyber family is as close as your keyboard!! :eek: :)

>Cyber hugs<

[adviceishere]

Thank you! You can never get too many hugs! Hey just when I sent that post I got 3 little knocks on my tummy ha ha must be my baby reminding me it there!

[talaniman]

He (SHE) couldn't give you a cyber hug, or a personal one, but he is doing his best!

See how that works?

[adviceishere]

Yea! I'm crying now with happiness lol... hormones!

[amicon]

>cyberhugs<
Xoxo

[adviceishere]

>cyberhugs<
xoxo

I can never give you Rep!! Thanks M xoxoxxo :D