[southamerica]

My boyfriend got this long email from his mom last night that totally blind-sided me. I know she'd made some offhanded comments about my wrist tattoo (it's a flower) and my nosering in the past, but I thought those were just generational gap things that she'd get over or at least still like me despite it.

Well this email talked about how bossy I am, how she hopes he's not "girlie-whipped" (her words), how she hopes he doesn't change his life plans for me. She even went into detail about a hypothetical future: "You go to Japan for a year, come home, get a job with fed-ex (side note: what? He's a certified English teacher!), Oops! She gets pregnant! Now you two are living on one income for 20 years. I'm sure she's a nice enough girl and won't end up being too bossy, I just want you to make sure you know what you want."

It came totally out of left field, and shocked both of us. He didn't have to read it to me but he wanted to. I really don't know what I did. I spent Christmas with them and I tried my hardest to be a grateful and polite guest... I really don't know how I screwed it up? I have never had this issue with my ex's mothers. In fact I'm used to the moms really liking me.

I intend to continue being just as well mannered and polite to her as ever. And I adore her son (I even told her what a great man she raised in her birthday card), I thought she realized that. Is this just something I might have to deal with? Will it go away? Can I fix it?

Sorry for the barrage of questions, I'm just a little shook up.

[cdad]

What you have to realize is there is no fixing involved. People either accept you or they don't. You don't get a choice. The sooner you realize that the better.

Next order of business is how to deal with this person. A lot of that is going to depend on your boyfriend / husband (someday) attitude. If he is a mommas boy then you know what to look forward to in the furture. It will get worse after children. You are doing the right thing by killing with kindness. Just don't overdo it. If you do cross that line then you come off as condesending.

You are going to have to find balance from here on out. Know that when your seated at the table with her then the enemy is near. In some relationships if "he" isn't strong enough to have cut the apron strings then the relationship will die. If he is strong and stands by you and decisions you make (without being harsh) then you can survive. And its even possible that when faced with it the mother will come around on her own. Not by you willing it or pushing for it. She alone has to change at her own pace.

[southamerica]

Thank you for your insight, dad.

I'm just going to keep things as they are, and try not to let my knowledge of her opinions get in the way of that. He's not a mama's boy, which makes this a little less stressful for me in a way-though I don't want to be another rift.

I guess she's done this with his exes, too.

If I just keep up supporting him, and he supports me, and I respect his mother-then I've done all I can do.

What a chore it is dating the "perfect" son! He's an only child, too...

[QLP]

Sounds to me like she is just a rather domineering matriarch who probably thinks she knows best for everyone. I'm guessing she would find something to put in an e-mail about any girl that was important in her son's life. I wouldn't take it personally but I would just be aware that she has some need to feel in control of what is happening in her adult kid's life. No doubt as he is her only child she has a lot of emotional investment there.

If you two end up together for the long haul she might mellow, or she might find a whole load of other stuff she feels the need to have input on - like how to bring your kids up one day etc.. As long as you and your partner stay on the same page with how to handle these things it can all be weathered. Sounds like you are doing fine so far.

[Jake2008]

You may win her over eventually, and you may not.

What is more worrysome to me is that your boyfriend accepts this type of communication from his mother in the first place. She knows her son well enough to know that he will show you what she has written, and he should know, being an adult, that accepting what she does keeps him tied to her apron strings.

He is an adult, right?

SHE should be doing what you are doing, and that is being graceful and polite and not offering judgments or negative comments about her, to your boyfriend.

But, she is who she is, and you cannot change her. Instead, I would have expectations of your boyfriend regarding putting a stop to sharing any hateful and hurtful comments about you, with you. She is his mother, and his problem, not yours.

Instead, if it were me, I would carefully watch that relationship, and if she remains a larger than life influence in his life, and his life decisions, seriously consider whether you want to have a long term relationship with him, and his mother.

[southamerica]

Thank you again for more insight!

I was thinking that too: that she has an idea of how he's supposed to turn out and how his life is supposed to go and if he doesn't fit the mold she tries to step in.

As far as him sharing it with me, that's more my fault than his. He was reading the email on his iPhone and made an exasperated noise. I was nosy enough about it that I got him to read it to me: "Is it from your mom?" "More stuff about Japan?" "Is it about us again?" "What did she say?"

He wrote her back, saying that it was inappropriate and hurtful of her to say that. He told her he felt at fault for their relationship because he doesn't really open up to her, but then when she gives unsolicited opinions like this it closes him up further.

I feel bad because I'm a bystander and I want to help him be closer to his mother, but really it's not my business. I come from a huge and close family, his is sparse and not very close. The idea that I might not be warmly taken in by his parents or other family members is different, but I suppose I'll have to live with it. I have faith that, if we are in it for the long haul, he and I will be able to be a united force on all of our decision making and child-rearing.

I hope someday she is more willing to accept me. That's all I can hope for.

Thank you again!

[adviceishere]

I wouldn't go out of my way to please her Southy, if your sweet nature and charm hasn't done it yet then she is probably "unpleaseable".

My mother has the same problem with my dads mother and siblings and they're married 27 years, and she was nothing but nice to my gran. But for some reason my gran never liked my mother. My mother just keeps her distance, there's no on-going family fueds or anything but they're civil. Its sad really but my brothers and sisters and myself have never even noticed, its only now we're grown up that we've noticed. And sadly I have lost a lot of respect for my gran. It hurts that she doesn't like my lovely mother.

So what I'm trying to say it, these issues are with your boyfriends mother and if she doesn't snap out of it she could lose out in the long run. I wouldn't keep trying to impress her, just be civil and keep being you, if she doesn't like it then too bad. ;)

[southamerica]

Jake and Wondergirl-You both are definitely right, I didn't need to know about the contents of the email. We both learned something about discretion because of this.

The issue is that he knows his mom and deals with her emails like this on an almost daily basis. For him, it's not something that he takes personally anymore and I don't think it occurred to him how much it would weigh on me once I became the topic of conversation.

From now on, I'm not going to ask and he's not going to tell. She means well, but she simply has no filter for her thoughts. Like was already said-that's his issue to deal with, and he doesn't need to involve me. I feel for him and I know he has my back. He takes what she says with a grain of salt and in many instances in his life has had to ask her to not send any more emails or make any more calls about certain topics.

If we end up marrying and having children (which I really, really hope happens), she might become more of a presence in my affairs. Until then-we've both agreed that I don't need to know about it.

I guess in some instances it's not always a good idea to share everything... we certainly have been totally open with each other up to this point!

[Jake2008]

It is refreshing to hear that you and your boyfriend can talk this out and put it all in perspective.

When I met my future husband, my future mother-in-law, and the entire family decided that I was not a good choice to marry. It was because of where I was from, the perceived 'status' of my family, as compared to theirs, and their friends. But the biggest hurdle was the fact that I was not Catholic. (we're going back 36 years, times were different then)

Because my future husband didn't share all the nasty stuff going on in conversations with me, I always felt there was something wrong, but had NO idea until I actually married him, and the sabotage right from the wedding itself, on, for a good many years was relentless. I won't bore you with the details, but it was a rough go.

I'm saying this because you have the benefit of your boyfriend not hiding anything from you, and recognizing and validating your concerns in a mature, fair way. You are not blindsided, and those nagging feelings that something is wrong isn't just you thinking you're imagining things. It is so much easier to deal with the truth.

As it turns out, my mother and law and I became great friends. This friendship grew, and for me, it was like talking to my own mother and my best friend at the same time. She was a wonderful person, and when the initial reservations were set aside, we remained very close, right up until the day she died. I miss her every single day.

I can only hope that your boyfriends mother will come around, and from what you have said, and the impression I get of you as a person, I'd say the odds are pretty darn good.

[dontknownuthin]

If my son came home and tod me he's moving to Japan with all that's happening right now I would be worried about his access to food, the very real concerns about radiation and his genetic future and personal health, and the potential he may have difficulty leaving if things continue to deteriorate. I would try very hard to stop him.

And though I might think you are a lovely girl in many ways, I would not like my son to ever get piercings or tatoos, nor to date or marry a woman with facial piercings or visible tatoos. It's not that I think it makes someone a bad person - it's just that it's not necessary, in my view it's no more original than mainstream dress, and it creates a negative impression so often and blocks so many opportunities for employment, etc. to present yourself in that way, I don't think it's a very wise thing to do.

That said, I think the way she's handling this isn't very respectful and agree she's lost it a bit.

But no mother will only be logical about who her son dates - we want to feel right about it, too. So you can either give it time and keep trying, or recognize this will be a problem in your relationship.

You could also get rid of the facial piercing and tattoo - and consider why she doesn't want her son to go to a radioactive nightmare, and give her some credit for valid concerns.

[southamerica]

For what it's worth, I took the nose ring out on NYE as a part of my New Year resolution to have a more professional appearance :)

Japan is a sad subject for us. We still want to go, but we have to watch it very closely. He's waiting to hear back on a job interview he had for Japan-but if the placement of the job is too close to the higher radiation he's going to reject the job offer (if he gets it). We've also decided that if the situation is still not controlled (right now the Japanese Prime Minister is still calling the situation "unstable and grave") by late summer/early fall, we're going to call it and move to another country instead. We have the freedom of not owning anything and not having children, so we can pick up and go anywhere. Our second and third choices are Chile and South Korea. We both separately wanted to move to Asia before ever meeting each other, and his mother has been trying to talk him out of it ever since he brought it up years ago. I don't think (or I sincerely hope) she doesn't associate me with his choice to move to Japan/Asia.

My tattoo is something that I thought long and hard about for five years before I got it. It has a very sentimental value to me as it's a memorial for my niece who passed away in 2005. Many people love it, some people shake their heads at it. I fully understand that it's a touchy subject for many people, and I accept that my choice in the matter won't be understood/accepted by some. My boyfriend thinks it's beautiful and loves it, so as far as his and my success as a couple goes... I don't believe the tattoo will make or break it.

It's fully concealable with business suits. I wear business casual to work (I'm in Marketing for a software company), the president of the company has seen my tattoo and she still pays me, haha. So I suppose it just depends on the company/boss that I work for.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and advice.

[southamerica]

Don'tknownuthin-another thing is that I do understand her concern about him going to Japan. Not only from a health standpoint (a concern he and I share), but just the fact that it means her only son will be moving away. My parents have both expressed the same concerns (about health and about me leaving).

With or without me, he wants to leave. He really wants to go to Japan, but regardless of the location he wants the experience of living abroad. The same applies to me. I think both of us (well, I know it's true for me) have felt the twinge of guilt for leaving our moms behind as we head out into the world. But, like other posters have said, you got to cut those apron strings. The birds must fly the nest at some point!

I really appreciate reading your insights from the point of view of a mother. There may be nothing I can do at right now to ease her mind about me, but continue to respect her and her son. It's what I intend on doing. Thank you!

[southamerica]

Oh, and Jake I didn't thank you for sharing your story! Thank you! I really hope that what she is experiencing right now is a superficial opinion of me that she and I can eventually iron out and overcome in order to really appreciate one another.

It's nice to hear that it happens to other women too! Mamas just love their boys!

[martinizing2]

Thank you for your insight, dad.

I'm just going to keep things as they are, and try not to let my knowledge of her opinions get in the way of that. He's not a mama's boy, which makes this a little less stressful for me in a way-though I don't want to be another rift.

I guess she's done this with his exes, too.

If I just keep up supporting him, and he supports me, and I respect his mother-then I've done all I can do.

What a chore it is dating the "perfect" son! He's an only child, too...

I was my mothers only son.

It didn't matter how wrong I was , she wouldn't see it or admit it.
She made up excuses for my behavior that were blatant fabrications anybody could spot. As far as she was concerned , if I did it , I must have had a good reason and she didn't need to know what it was.

I was aware of this from the time she told me that I should not like my girlfriend.
She was looking for someone to marry and get her away from her home she hated.
And she knew this because her friend was my girlfriends Sunday School teacher , and she would know.

I was in the 6th grade.

After I was married the second time for two years,. she finally approved my choice.

God love her and keep her.

[QLP]

As a mum of two twenty-somethings, I have to say SouthAmerica, that having read your posts, if either of mine brought a partner home as sensitive and sensible as you seem, I would be very happy to get to know them.

[southamerica]

Thank you so much QLP :). Hopefully the sensible, sensitive side of me will win her over in time!

[dontknownuthin]

You sound like a very sensible young woman and should know -the tatoos and piercings aren't a deal breaker for most people, but they do make a negative impression as often as not. Personally I applaud you getting rid of the facial jewelry though I know others might disagree. Otherwise, you have the tattoo, you like it - your boyfriend's mother and others might not like it, I might not like it if I saw it on my son's girlfriend, but all that said - if you can function in the world with it and support yourself, etc. and do not grow tired of it over time, no sense worrying about it now. To your benefit, tatoos are more common than ever so maybe peope younger than me really don't care... who knows.

As for Japan, I'd be extremely careful - there's what is stated about the radiation publicly, then there is the truth of what is known which is generally more serious than the public is lead to belief, and somewhere a distant third is the truth including the information that is even unknown to the authorities - which is considerable in this disaster, and to which they've openly admitted to the world.

Radiation does not dissipate "by fall" - it takes thousands of years and can be carried out of the hazard area very easily on items that are contaminated.

Give your parents a break and acknowledge this is not a good place to go to live, and choose somewhere safe, where there is not such a huge hazard hanging over your heads. An international experience has great value but how about South America, Europe, Australia, the Caribbean... so many places you could go safely!