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REMY_STARR · Jan 12, 2011, 10:11 PM

I have been married since 2008 to a man who is now 34yrs old. We get into arguments over little things because he simply does not like to listen to me. First off let me just say I am the only one who works, while my husband is a stay home man. He does not work at all, just plays video games most of the day and do little cleaning here and there in the house. We live with my oldest sister, her kids and husband.

Anyway, let me get to the point. In the beginning it was all good, we shared lots of love, laughter, tears and joy. Now its dull. We don't hardly talk cause he is always playing video games, he does not compliment me anymore, he does not try to be sexual with me, he complains about a lot of things like why did I get home late or that he is hungry, he didn't eat all day cause there is no food in the house. He doesn't let me go out, I just work, pay bills and stay home.

On my days off we stay home cause he is not the type to do fun things if it doesn't consist in spending money to go somewhere. Whole point I am trying to get across is that I am always doing it all. I cook, clean, work, and pay bills while he just sits there. I didn't know he was physco till after we got married. He has been in a mental home for more then 4 times, twice while with me and other times in the past by trying to commit suicide.

I feel like I am taking care of a sick child and I am being worned out with the stress. I am unhappily married, now catching feelings for a guy friend I've known for years. Is it wrong that I am? I mean I did tell my husband how I feel and right away he puts the whole ima kill myself thing on me. He tells me he loves me but does not show any sign of love like he did when we first started dating in the past and I told him this.

So what I don't get is how can I choose? I am in love with both men. My best friend knows I am married and didn't approve of it before I did. If anything he tried to convince me in the past not to do it but I was a fool for love. I was impatient and wanted to be with someone already to build a life with and later on have a family. Now I see I rushed into things way too fast cause I am in a dilema. I feel bad cause if I leave my husband he doesn't got family to go to. He would become homeless. I am not a cruel woman to leave a man out in the cold. That's not who I am.

Yet I want to be with my best friend already and he is telling me I got till the end of February to kick my husband out and get with him. That he can do more for me then my husband has ever did. He is wrong for giving me a time frame but I do understand he has been chasing me for 5 yrs now and I always pushed him away due to my insecurities. He is hott, with a body and all. I am chubby so I always thought I wasn't attractive. Now he is getting tired of putting his life on hold for me so that explains why he is giving me a time frame to make a choice.

I don't know what to do. I am lost of words. I need some good advice in what you think is the right thing for me to do here. I am not physically attracted to my husband no more cause he let his hygienes go down hill. Doesn't wash up, smells most of the time and became too comfortable with me that he does disgusting, annoying stuff. Someone *** help me with some good advice! All is appreciated. Thanks

Devorameira · Jan 13, 2011, 07:59 AM

Sounds like your husband has a lot of issues, but that's no excuse for cheating on him. If you wanted to get involved with another man, you needed to split up with your husband first.

I understand that you are tired of "doing it all" and I'm sure your husband tries controlling you when he says he'll commit suicide. Is your husband seeing a mental health professional on a regular basis? If he isn't, he should be.

You also need to talk to his counselor to inform them of his situation (video games, depression, laziness, poor hygiene). You should talk to them about what's going on and how you can't cope with it anymore. They may be able to give you some professional advice on how to handle it, whether it be leaving or not.

talaniman · Jan 13, 2011, 09:44 PM

Your husband needs some professional help, and as his wife you have to at least insist he get it, and do all in your power to see he does. Call his doctor tomorrow if you have to, and in regard to the best friend, leave him alone until you get your own house in order, whether you go or stay with your husband. If your best friend can't get with that, he ain't that into you any way.

For all his problems, who was taking care of him before you showed up? How was he supporting himself? Is he disabled? You have options, and I think you should explore them. But take care of home first, then see what can be done about everything else.

EngagedorNot · Jan 14, 2011, 06:09 PM

In a relationship, you both need to bring something to the table. It sounds like you do everything, almost like super woman, while your husband lays around. I think you do need to leave him. I would try to get him some help before you ship him off. But you cannot force him to change as he is his own person. You need to take care of yourself. As far as the friend, I would not pursue that relationship. You need to take care of and love yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship. You really do need to take care of yourself first. If it was meant to be, he is still be around. If not, it was not meant to be after all. Best wishes!!

Fr_Chuck · Jan 14, 2011, 07:54 PM

How was he when you were dating,

When did he stop working, and is he looking for work

Why are you living with your sister and not your own home

REMY_STARR · Apr 5, 2011, 07:45 PM

Well this is no longer a problem. I have decided to drop the other dude & try to fix things up with my husband. I finally got my own place during tax season. I got a 1 bedroom apt with him. I did it all on my own of course cause he is still unemployed. I tell him when is he ever going to look for a job, he tells me he is waiting to get ssi. They approved him for mental disability. Now its been already 3 months & I still see nothing of some sort from ssi. I am paying rent, food, car insurance, utilities and all on my own. Its frustrating & I do not know what to do. I love him but how much longer do I have to so call be by my husbands side when I am doing it all on my own? He was never like this. He used to work when we first hit it off and got married. After being getting married to me he changed to this man I do not know of.

talaniman · Apr 5, 2011, 08:12 PM

Takes 3 months to 2 years from the time you file for SSI. You can make any decision you want to whenever you want to. Its all your choice.

JudyKayTee · Apr 6, 2011, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Takes 3 months to 2 years from the time you file for SSI. You can make any decision you want to whenever you want to. Its all your choice.

I'm reading that he was approved - it should not take more than a month or two to begin benefits (including from the time of filing). Someone is assigned to husband's case file and can look up info.

(Stepdaughter is Attorney for SS.)