[saraygut]

I have been with my husband for 4 years now but we have only been married for 1 year. He was cheated on before and now he suspects of every guy around me. He gets mad if he feels that a guy is looking at me too much. The other day I run into a neighbor in the elevator. We recently moved to this new condo. I had a little conversation with the guy, nothing serious, just neighbor chat. I told him two days later (when we run into the guy again). He got mad because I did not tell him the day it happened. Today I run into the guy on the elevator again. I told my husband that I run into him and he got mad and told me that I should not talk to him and that I should leave at a different time. He thinks that it is suspicious that the guy runs into me in the elevator on the mornings.
Today I asked him a couple of times where he was over the phone. He got mad that I asked that question because he said that maybe I was going to eat lunch with some guy from work and that I was asking the question to make sure that he was not around.
These are the type of arguments I have everyday. I do not think that this is normal, do you? What should I do? I have tried to talk to him every way possible. Whenever we argue he tries to put the blame on me almost convincing me of the fact that I am a sneaky person. When I tell him that I am going to leave him he begs me to stay because he loves me... I feel that I cannot breathe and I cannot move, he is totally controlling me.

[DoulaLC]

This sounds like something you won't be able to work through on your own. His emotions and reactions are deeply rooted in his past experience and, whether he realizes it, he is not able to get passed that. He has allowed it to effect his relationship with you.

When all is calm, I would let him know how much you love him and want your relationship to be based on trust and respect. Acknowledge the hurt he experienced in the past, and that you realize that it effects how he responds to situations in the present. But also let him know that you can't live with walking on egg shells anytime some man looks at you, or speaks to you. Your husband is not showing respect or trust for you regardless of what his loving words may say when you say you are going to leave.

Do not threaten to leave, let him know you spoke those words out of frustration to get him to understand how his actions have effected you.

I would tell him that because you love him so much, and want this marriage to be strong and healthy, that you would like him to see a marriage counselor with you so that the two of you can work together to get beyond the past and build a future.

If he won't go... go on your own. At some point either he will work through it and make an effort to change, or you may find that he won't change and you will be forced to make some tough decisions to have peace in your life.

[QLP]

Got to spread the rep Doula but I agree with every word you posted.

This guy needs help to deal with his issues and those issues have now become issues of both parties in the marriage. Counselling for sure, suggested in a calm logical manner as you suggest.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to DoulaLC again.

Its really hard to believe he just started acting this way, but if marriage is what has made him this paranoid after 4 years, then he needs help, and you need to gently insist he get the help he needs, and stop this kind of behavior.