[rlt13]

Threads merged

To start, I am a sophomore in high school and so is my ex. We have known each other since 6th grade and we started going out in the middle of freshman year. Her name is judy, and she finally ended it the day before valentine's day, which makes it a year and a week long relationship.

My breakup is slightly unique because I know exactly why we broke up and I saw it coming from a mile away. As early as September of last year, we started having more and more arguments because we used to hang 5 days a week, but she signed up for so many activities this school year that it was hard to meet just twice a week. The frequency of arguments got higher and higher and then she told me that she "wasnt in love with me anymore, she only loved me" and "she didnt see me as a boyfriend anymore." finally she ended it because she said that I was too controlling and she needed to feel free.

She is also EXTREMELY busy with after school activities, which means that getting back would be hard because she already has so much stuff that she loves to do, and she wouldn't need a boyfriend anymore. In fact, the main reason we got together was that she figured having a fun guy around would fill up her empty life.

We maintained friendly conversation over gmail in the immediate days following the breakup, and we were quite friendly for the most part. The next week was mid winter break, and she was out of town, so we didn't contact each other for about a week. When she finally got back, we struck up another conversation on gmail and she seemed genuinely interested in what I had done over break.

In fact, I asked her if she missed me, and she said that she didn't bring her phone with her because she knew I would call, and she said that missing somebody would be too distracting during her archery sectionals (she won 2nd place by the way!). If I am interpreting this right, it means that she did miss me, but tried to keep it from distracting her.

Anyway, I totally screwed up at the end of that conversation because she told me to get over the relationship, and I told her that she had NO IDEA how I feel and that its easy for her to say because SHE was the one who ended it. She got pissed and told me to leave her alone.

The next week school started again (that would be this week), and I see her multiple times in the hall, and we have a class together where we sit relatively close. I fought against all my temptation to talk to her, and I left her alone for about 5 days. Finally on Thursday I was getting a ride home with a senior who happened to drive both of us home because we live really close to each other.

I left her alone for most of the ride, until the end where I was subtly flirting with her. She went along with it for the most part andi asked her if she wanted to hang next week sometime. She said that she would need to find out which days she was free. On Friday, I rode the same car with her back home and I did the same thing, except I was playfully touching her now. This time she seemed really annoyed.

Last night she sent me a chat saying that to be completely honest, she wanted me to stop trying to get back with her because it wasn't working, she wanted me to stop touching her, and she didn't want to hang with me at all because she has other stuff to do with her life. She also said that she was just "playing along" because she didn't want to start drama in somebody's car. I got a little mad and asked if she just wanted me to never talk to her again in my life. She said "yeah, that sounds about right." and left.

Any tips on what to do right now? I looked up some other guides online and one idea I have is to cut contact with her for 50 days, which would lead up to spring break. My birthday is also in a month, so I am hoping that she would at least take the time to say happy birthday.

In fact, a week before the breakup was our one year anniversary. I celebrated at her house and we chatted each other on gmail that night. She told me that she really hopes we can hit 2 years because she said that it was better to try because otherwise should be beat herself up thinking about what could have worked. I won't go into more details but it was a pretty emotional conversation, and I could tell that even though we had problems, she still wanted to be together.

Just ONE week after that, I called her 4 or 5 times because I was SUPER excited to tell her about how my school did at the team chess championships. She responded back saying that her phone was off for 15 hrs to change the battery, and in that span of time she gets 4 or 5 calls? She also said that she needed to be left alone for ONCE in her life, which made me feel a little angry because I was just calling to tell her some good news

[talaniman]

Sorry guy but she has ended things, and gotten busy with other things, and while you take her being friendly as having a chance, you are but an option when she has nothing else to do.

last night she sent me a chat saying that to be completely honest, she wanted me to stop trying to get back with her because it wasnt working, she wanted me to stop touching her, and she didnt want to hang with me at all because she has other stuff to do with her life. she also said that she was just "playing along" because she didnt want to start drama in somebody's car. I got a little mad and asked if she just wanted me to never talk to her again in my life. She said "yeah, that sounds about right." and left.

Get your own life and activities as she has, and leave he alone. Just can't take a hint can you? Sorry for your loss, but quit banging your head against a brick wall, and bow out gracefully with some dignity, and self respect. For sure she can't miss you if you are still there, can she?

Her feelings have changed and you have to accept it and move on.

[babybluegirl]

I know this must be hard on you, you were with her for a year, things change all the time and she has obviously lost the feelings she had for you before. Im sure you're a great guy, but things have changed and as hard as it will be you have to just try your best and get over this. Yes, it will be tough but life goes on and life will always have its ups and downs, and those tough times ahead. Be strong and give her space and hopefully you's might end up being friends later on but for now you both have to give each other space to get over this. You just have to accept the fact that its over and done with, but.. just don't regret anything that ever made you happy/smile, don't block out the good times you had with her, you will learn a lot from this to improve on other relationships you will have. Good luck

[rlt13]

I know that staying with your first love almost never happens because life does move on and I'm only 15 for christ's sake, anything can happen in the future. It just amazes me how even when she can break my heart so badly, I can still love her with all the tiny little pieces. I do have my own activities, which include going to church and being on the varsity ultimate frisbee team. There is just a part of me that will never forget her, especially since so much of her stuff is at my house lol. Pocket knife for christmas, one of her best drawings for my birthday, a teddy bear with a shirt that says she loves me...

[talaniman]

Yeah, sucks to get dumped don't it. And you do still have feelings for them, that's why it sucks so much. I know your pain, we all do.

[rlt13]

Is it bad to hope that we can get back together? Before we broke up, I asked if the breakup was permanent and if I was NEVER going to be with her EVER again. She said that she wouldn't say it was done FOREVER but she also told me to get my hopes up. I know hope can be paralyzing and it makes it incredibly hard to move on, but right now hope is all I have. I believe in the saying: if you truly love someone, you will let them go, and if it was truly meant to be, they will come back.

I mean to NOT get my hopes up. Lol whoops

[talaniman]

Why waste time holding on to FALSE hope? She set you free, and has gone about her business without you. You must do the same.

[babybluegirl]

Just because she has said its not over forever, and that there is a possibility you guys might get back together later on, but don't count on it. Life goes on she might think you guys might get back together then realize its better if yous stay friends. Don't waste your time thinking about it right now. You have to move on, and we all know how you feel, yes it hurts.. a lot sometimes, but you have to let go and accept the fact that you and her are over. Move on with your life, find another hobby, or something to take your mind off this.

[Homegirl 50]

There is not a thing you can do but leave her alone. She has let you know very clearly that she is done.
I know it hurts but it is time to move on.

[rlt13]

For more details on the breakup itself, you can look at the other question I posted. However I have a few updates now.

Last week we chatted up on gmail. We had a lengthy conversation where she told me everything wrong that I did and everything that she regretted putting up with. Some of these included me being too controlling/clingy and not having enough confidence in myself. I listened and I learned and I sincerely apologized for making her go through all that and that she was one hell of a girlfriend for putting up with 5 months of bad behavior. She accepted my apology and said that she didn't hate me anymore and that she had room for a friend.

On Friday we bumped into each other on a metro bus while I was going to hang with my friends and I decided to sit next to her. She smiled at me and asked how I was doing. We talked a little and I cracked a few jokes and she laughed and seemed to enjoy herself. My friends also saw us sitting together, and being high schoolers, they joked about how we were "having our bonding time". I told them that we were just friends and that we weren't getting back together and they just laughed and messed around some more. The strange thing was that the entire time that my friends were joking with me, she just sat there and laughed along with them...

On Sunday I found her on Facebook although we weren't Facebook friends anymore. She deactivated her fb after we broke up but apparently reactived it a few weeks ago and blocked me. I sent her a chat saying "hey zenny fawn, whats hannen'?" because that was her Facebook name that she used as a joke before. She laughed and said that she was "impressed with my not so subtle attempt to get her to accept my friend request." so also said that I had good timing because she just unblocked me the day before.

We stuck up another conversation to catch up with each other. She even agreed to be on the same team as me for the school chess championships although she said that she wasn't "doing it for me", she had promised someone else on the team. I asked her what I did to make her unblock me and then said that "she just unblocked everyone she blocked" and then acted a little uncomfortable and told me to stop asking her questions.

We finished up the conversation with

Me: you wonder why I went weeks at a time without talking to you?
Because I wanted to work on myself before I talk to you again
Confidence is something I need to get
I've always known that

Judy: or you knew I would beat you up if you did yeahhhh
Bye :].

At the very least, her unblocking me shows that she's willing to talk to me again. Should I take it slow and just try to establish a friendship? I still care for this girl very very much.

Any comments are appreciated :)

[DoulaLC]

Try not to read more into your conversations then is there. She has been friendly, but don't confuse that with her being interested in starting things back up.

That she listed all the wrongs you did, and how noble it was of her to put up with it, sends some red flags flying. It doesn't sound as though she has taken any responsibility for the relationship... everything that went wrong was your doing.

If you are content with being her friend... great. But be careful that you aren't expecting it to lead to anything more. Hard not to when you are still into her... go slowly and protect your heart.

[irby85]

Take it slow. Be friends. If you are going to be friends with her really be friends. Don't look for any opportunity to hit on her or reference to your relationship. Just let her see what a cool dude you are and if she doesn't come around some other girl will snatch you up. Definitely work on the self confidence... its a turnon

[rlt13]

I understand that breakups are caused by two people. But most of it WAS my fault. In freshman year I had hit rock bottom in terms of self esteem and to be completely honest, I got with her at first because I wanted to get my reputation first. I didn't stand up to her when some people were talking smack and I definetely didn't give her the space she needed and deserved

[talaniman]

If you are going to run head first into a brick wall... buy a helmet.

[DoulaLC]

See how things go then. But try, and it won't be easy, not to expect or hope for it to be more than friends. If after some time it does become more, wonderful... live and learn from how things went down in the past so they aren't repeated. If it doesn't, hopefully you will have a good friendship with her.

Either one of you may find that while the other is a nice person, perhaps even a good friend, they simply aren't what is needed or wanted as a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's what dating is all about.

[Homegirl 50]

Don't put too much in this. It is what it is.
She has not given any indication that she ants you back.

I'm in agreement with talaniman: If you are going to run head first into a brick wall.................buy a helmet.

[rlt13]

Threads merged



So after our last fight about 3 weeks ago, I cut off all contact. I blocked her from my gmail and Facebook and I didn't initiate any contact for about 3 weeks. I used no contact so she would cool down and we could talk again without shouting at each other. Since I have class with her every day, I noticed her overall demeanor change. It went from her trying to ignore me as much as possible to her laughing at the jokes I told in class and seeming at least neutral around me.

However, 2 days ago I found out through a mutual friend (a girl) that she was really pissed at me for "blabbing about our breakup to my 5th period." apparently I was telling my 5th period all about her issues and all about how we broke up. This is the message she sent my friend:

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but what the hell has **** been blabbing about to you on why we broke up? Something about my hormones not being right? Because I swear that kid skews up everything he hears and then goes on to tell all my friends what he knows... I surely hope you don't think of me as some horny freak nowadays. geez"

I unblocked her on gmail chat and asked her what was up. She ignored me for a few hours but finally responded saying "whatever why dont you ask your 5th period what you said". I told her that I seriously don't remember saying anything, but it was entirely possible that I forgot. I asked who told her and what they said I said. She ignored me again and hasn't talked to me since. I asked her if she was really mad and she said "oh no i can't be mad, you just blabbed all our **** to your 5th period" and left.

I'm not even really trying to get back with her or anything anymore... I just don't want us to continue on like this. We were great friends for 3 years before going out and we were each others first love. I don't want to just completely toss her out of my life, but I can't see how we can ever talk if she keeps getting mad like this.

Also in the short conversation we had, she would be really... snark. Like normally I'm the one acting sarcastic and "silly" but this time it was her. I tried to make up some small talk by asking how her break was going. She abruptly said "wheres caitlin?" (thats the mutual friend that she mailed). I was like uhh I don't know not online? And she's like "wow really i didnt see that!" and I'm like "uhh do you need to talk to her or something?" and she's like "no of course i dont, i just want to know where she is!"

[talaniman]

Leave her alone why don't you?! Use No Contact properly, and stop forcing yourself on someone.

That's just not cool, mature, or even healthy.

[DoulaLC]

Look, did you tell people in your 5th period class what happened or not? It is not something you would forget. Perhaps you told a few people and others overheard it?

If you honestly didn't say anything, then tell her that. Any chance this other "friend" made it up for some reason?

She is going to believe what she wants to believe. Since you don't want to get back together with her, best to just leave it alone now.

She may come around at some point, she may not. As with relationships, sometimes friendships too have their own lifespan. Maybe this will be one of those friendships that served a purpose in your life, that you will remember, but don't hold onto. It's not always easy, but sometimes you just have to let it go.

[rlt13]

What do you mean leave her alone? I wouldn't have bothered her if caitlin didn't mention that she was pissed at me for something I didn't do