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tisiladym · Mar 22, 2011, 10:40 AM

Hi, I am the custodial parent, living in Miami. No court orders and child support case pending. I get no assistance from his father. Yet my child goes to his dad every other weekend. His father got married behind my back and gave my son a step mom and two step sons. I don't know who these people are. My son is living a double life. They don't tell me nothing that goes on on the other side. I find that unfair. Iwish to move. Miami is very expensive. I understand by law I am able to move 100miles away frm where the father lives. Is this correct? I have found a job out in West Palm beach and a two bedroom for 750.00. Im paying 900.00 for a one bedroom in Miami. To live in a two bedroom that will cost me 1200.00. You see why I wish to move now. Please give me your advise. Am I wrong if I wish to move. Our child could be with his dad every weekend if we have to work that out, and I am willing to meet half way. Let me know.. thank you.

JudyKayTee · Mar 22, 2011, 10:50 AM

If you have a pending case, no, you cannot move. I don't know what you mean about the father marrying behind your back. He does NOT have to tell you about his personal life.

If your child is in danger at the father's home, then go to Court and prove that.

I find no law that you can move 100 miles from the father.

When you go to Court for support, raise that issue - or amend your paperwork and ask permission to move.

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by tisiladym

Hi, I am the custodial parent, living in Miami. No court orders and child support case pending. I get no assistance from his father. yet my child goes to his dad every other weekend. His father got married behind my back and gave my son a step mom and two step sons. I dont knwo who these people are. My son is living a double life. They dont tell me nothing that goes on on the other side. I find that unfair. Iwish to move. Miami is very expensive. I understand by law I am able to move 100miles away frm where the father lives. Is this correct? I have found a job out in West Palm beach and a two bedroom for 750.00. Im paying 900.00 for a one bedroom in Miami. To live in a two bedroom that will cost me 1200.00. You see why I wish to move now. Please give me your advise. Am I wrong if I wish to move. Our child could be with his dad every weekend if we have to work taht out, and I am willing to meet half way. Let me know.. thank you.

On the highlighted points... they don't HAVE to tell you. It's their life. The way its quoted it sounds almost like you actually could have a say in it.

Most restrictions come into play with court orders, wait until they rule on this. I do commend you on wanting to keep the biological father in your sons life. That's both a noble thing to do and it's the right thing. It may be inconvenient but its still workable at that distance if they allow it.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 22, 2011, 10:57 AM

If your move effects the child's visiting his father, the father can object to moves,

Next what is the court ordered child support, if he is not paying the court ordered support, take him back to court.

Next he does not have to tell you that he got married, and unless a court order says he has to tell you their names, he does not even have to do that.

Sounds like he has a healthy relationship with both parents, which is often what the courts perfer

tisiladym · Mar 22, 2011, 11:31 AM

I disagree with you guys, he should tell me so I can prepare my son for something like this! A service, in secrecy, teaching my son to LIE and HOLD SECRETS from his mother is NOT RIGHT. Anyway I just spoke to the state attorney office about moving, and they said as long as I give them the updated address. Thanks anyway!

JudyKayTee · Mar 22, 2011, 11:32 AM

Now I'm confused - the State Attorney General has nothing to do with support and maintenance in MY State and every other State I know. I don't see this in Florida, either.

I had no way of knowing anyone told your son to LIE and HOLD SECRETS from his mother. I agree - that is NOT RIGHT. I also don't know how you expected us to know that part of the story.

We know the law; we aren't mind readers.

Your welcome.

tisiladym · Mar 22, 2011, 11:33 AM

Also, I contacted a lawyer, and numerous told me I can move 100 miles away frm the fathers home. I will let him know the updated info of course, and I think your site is non understanding how PHYSCOLOGICALLY its dented my sons head, where he has even mentioned this service behind my back, a sadness to his emotions. Thanks again guys.

tisiladym · Mar 22, 2011, 11:34 AM

The only case pending is for child support. That is all. Never no court order for nothing else... we live in FLORIDA.

JudyKayTee · Mar 22, 2011, 11:35 AM

Yes, it would be horrible if this physcologically dented your son's head and brought a sadness to his emotions.

I don't understand what you are saying. You contacted A lawyer and NUMEROUS told you you can move. You contacted numerous attorneys and they said the same thing.

I'm off to check the law - again.

JudyKayTee · Mar 22, 2011, 11:40 AM

I just spoke with the Florida Attorney General's Office - they have NOTHING to do with anything except for criminal complaints.

I know you live in Florida. Did you read what I posted?

If you believe you are correct, the Attorney General and numerous Attorneys have told you you are correct, then move. If the AG and Attorneys are wrong and the father objects, then you will be ordered to move back again.

It's that simple.

Or, of course, you could retain (and pay) an Attorney and get a written legal opinion.

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by tisiladym

disagree with you guys, he should tell me so I can prepare my son for something like this! A service, in secrecy, teaching my son to LIE and HOLD SECRETS from his mother is NOT RIGHT. Anyways I just spoke to the state attorney office about moving, and they said as long as I give them the updated address. Thanks anyways!

Sorry, but are YOU obligated to tell THEM every time you buy new underwear or get permission from him to have a date, go to a movie? Nope...

Its not a secret and its not a lie... what it is, is the personal affairs of two OTHER adults who are not obligated to check in with you like you were a parol officer or something.

That's not improper or even rude... its not a lie... and its not a secret, that's just how it is.

cdad · Mar 22, 2011, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Sorry, but are YOU obligated to tell THEM every time you buy new underwear or get permission from him to have a date, go to a movie? Nope....

Its not a secret and its not a lie....what it is, is the personal affairs of two OTHER adults who are not obligated to check in with you like you were a parol officer or something.

Thats not improper or even rude....its not a lie...and its not a secret, thats just how it is.

I have to disagree with this statement being made here. Its completely wrong. It is a violation of parenting principles to place the child in the middle of the parents personal issues. Although its not stated in a court order it could have been as it represents poor parenting skills on behalf of the father. You don't spring something like that on a 9 year old child and expect them not to communicate to the other parent. Children need and require stability in their life to be adjusted properly.

And yes the courts will write orders stating such. I know I had them written into court orders to keep the peace and to provide sanity for my children.

cdad · Mar 22, 2011, 01:01 PM

As far as a move away question goes it looks like there is a limit closer to 50 miles. So 100 is out of the question. The 100 must have come from being a round trip number by adding them together.

Florida Law - What If A Spouse Wants To Move Away?

50 mile limit spoken of here:

Fort Lauderdale Child Relocation Attorney | Delray Beach Child Custody & Move Away Lawyer | Florida | FL

Parent Relocation in Florida
A new statute requires a hearing for the parent with the most timesharing (primary residential care or "child custody") under a parenting plan to move more than 50 miles away — unless the new home is still within 50 miles of the home of the parent with less timesharing (non-residential or non-primary parent). For instance, if you both live in West Palm Beach you personally could not move to Miami without court approval, but you could relocate to Miami if the other parent were living in, say, Delray Beach or Boca Raton.

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by califdadof3

I have to disagree with this statement being made here. Its completely wrong. It is a violation of parenting principles to place the child in the middle of the parents personal issues. Although its not stated in a court order it could have been as it represents poor parenting skills on behalf of the father. You dont spring something like that on a 9 year old child and expect them not to communicate to the other parent. Children need and require stability in thier life to be adjusted properly.

And yes the courts will write orders stating such. I know I had them written into court orders to keep the peace and to provide sanity for my children.

I'm not dissagreeing in principle... because there ARE cases where kids are used like a pawn between two hostile parents. And I do feel THAT should never EVER happen.

But in this case the only person putting the Child in the middle of the parents issues here is the poster. And even then not as bad as I have seen in far too many times. There are no indications the Father did anything improper or wrong in this thread.

Lots of children of divorced or separated parents have those parent move on with life and remarry... and most of them grow up perfectly well adjusted. More in fact than in households where the parents hold issues against the opposite gender and aren't exposed to a helthy and loving relationship or have good examples of both genders in the household. While I wasn't one of them (my parents never separated or divorced)... I know quite a few that were.

Of course being it is parenting issues... there can be and are many different viewpoints on the issue. Not all of them wrong even if they may be in comflict with others.

cdad · Mar 22, 2011, 01:13 PM

Im not saying it was wrong to marry or remarry whatever the case is. But it seems the OP was expressing that the other party tried to withhold that information. That's wrong to do that. The other parent should have told the OP they were engauged and allowed the child to be prepared for the coming changes. Both of these parents need parenting classes and I hope the courts realize this when making decisions for the child.

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Im not saying it was wrong to marry or remarry whatever the case is. But it seems the OP was expressing that the other party tried to withold that information. Thats wrong to do that. The other parent should have told the OP they were engauged and allowed the child to be prepared for the coming changes. Both of these parents need parenting classes and I hope the courts realize this when making decisions for the child.

I sort of read into the original post... she was upset they didn't ask her permission... like she was in any position to give it.

I'm sure a lot of other people weren't notified either... or invited.

Its also possible they are still hyper touchy, while the father has gotten over it and moved on rather than holding a grudge.

Lot of things we don't know... and even then only hear from one persons perspective. That by its very nature... woun't be neutral or unbiased. I factor that into things when I read them. SOmetimes you get it spot on... sometimes you are off the mark... but rarely is one side 100% right and the other 100% wrong.

EDIT:

I actually am friends with a couple women that even 10 and 15 years after their divorce... STILL focus and gripe about what their ex supposedly did way back then... No they aren't remarried... they rarely ever even date. Kids are out of college already or close to it (more than one woman remember). All they do is badmouth the father around their kids... their lives revolve around carrying a grudge (and yeah, they do everything they can to learn all sorts of personal details they have no right to know). They are one step from being stalkers at least in my mind. Nope, just family friends I've known a lot of years.

Personally, I would not discuss anything either with a woman that obsessed that they can't get over something that happened that long in the past. Its over... move on and put it behind you...

No clue if the OP is anything like these ones... and I seriously hope she isn't. Lifes too short to waste it clinging to something like that. You aren't together... you have your own lives... don't put the children in the middle acting like spys for you. They can see what you are doing, and it makes them very uncomfortible and hurts their relationship with both of you.

tisiladym2 · Mar 22, 2011, 03:24 PM

I don't mind that his father has moved on. I am more then happy for him. I just wish they could have told me so I could have my son prepared for the addition to come. It would show a better front for the child. A sense of unity vs living such a double life. Understand? I'm past that now, I too wish to move on and reside in West Palm Beach, two counties away from his father. Cost of living is a lot cheaper, not expensive like MIAMI! It's ridiculous to make it out here on your own, as a single parent, with no help whatsoever. Get me? The only case we have going on is child support, that only handles the financial part to it all, of course. After getting legal advise, I'm told I can NOT leave the state of FL, but I can move anyway her in FL. Being that my son visits his dad every other weekend, I found out I can move a hundred miles away, and that we can continue to work on the same schedule to see his father, Im willing to meet half way, or he can also go every weekend to them. Im not ever going to demolish the relationship he has with his father, I adore their bond. Its beautiful. I wish we could get better along but his father has a bad temper, and, well with my attitude we clash quite often. So, we just continue to do what we do.. we have never been married, that makes me the custodial parent. I have custody, however nothing through court. I just hold on to my son cause he needs a stable place called home. :) I hope I made myself a bit more clear of my situation now. Thank you all for listening.

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 03:56 PM

Why is it YOUR job to do that... unless the son has disabilities... he is more than capable of understanding. You might be doing you son a diservice by assuming he isn't capable of understanding. He might surprise you what he does understand.

As far as the moving thing... heck, I can understand that... but like was mentioned... its best to wait until the support issues are settled. Appearances can mean as much as actions.

I mentioned some real cases, people I see frequently... I do seriously hope you are nothing like them (I'm not kidding either). But like I was hinting at... there are things that are none of your business as there are things that are none of his business now that you aren't together. And its easy to question the kids to get that information... avoid that temptation.

There is no reason you can't get along well enough if you can avoid pushing each others buttons (that applies to him as well). And that's the best thing for the son.

tisiladym2 · Mar 22, 2011, 04:13 PM

How can I put this, I have many friends and family where we connect through good ol' face book, and it's become my virtual diary, I get so many compliments frm my close ones how far I come along and how well Im doing. I do all I can for him, he has clothes, wii, sports gear, hair cuts, we travel, I mean, I don't know what more to do to keep up with it all, plus involved in a great church that we call our second home. I'm willing to work out whatever it takes with his dad, I just wish I didn't have to feel like Im on a ball and chain out here, and move where I feel most happier. My happiness does count too, you know, instead I get treated like crap as if Im some crappy parent by his father. And then our child gets straight A's and he tells me, I don't have to tell you good job, Michelle, U didn't get the good grades, HE DID! I'm like WOW, Um . Ook, And I also get "If you can't handle him Michelle, then go ahead and give him up to family that really wants him!!" Sad comments huh.. from his dad.

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 04:25 PM

Well... sometimes you have to be the more mature adult. Just remind yourself... you don't come home to THAT every day. If he doesn't get a reaction from you eventually he'll stop. Lot of this can be tit for tat... like picking at a scab... its not going to heal if you don't leave it alone.

And consider your son lucky... he has a dad that likes to see him and they get along well. There are a lot of kids (too many) that can't say that. If the dad pays support at all... some can't be bothered to see them much less have a good relationship with them. He has a step up over too many of the kids he may even be friends with. You both love him and care about him even if you have your own issues with each other..