[petgroomer]

Our youngest son is a first year college student. We pay ALL his expenses... tuition, room and board, fees, books, health insurance, car insurance, car, cell phone... you get the picture. When he comes home to visit, he is VERY DISRESPECTFUL, sleeps most of the time, refuses to help at all, swears at me (he just told me to f*** myself), and generally makes our life miserable. We can hardly wait to send him back. He has no summer job and is angry with me for not going to talk to a neighbor (AGAIN) about a job (he never went to talk to anyone all spring break week). I am tired of his disrespect and feel like I should not have to pay all these expenses for someone so obviously ungrateful. What would you do?

[Curlyben]

Well if he was mine I would cease all but the most BASIC monetary support, so I'd only cover what he actually NEEDS for collage.
Bang goes the car, cell, etc.
If he wants these "extras" he'll have to work for them

[Jake2008]

Nobody is owed a fully paid college education which includes even a car and a cell phone.

It is a gift of huge proportions.

At college level, he should be more mature than a 14 year old, which is what he sounds like.

Taking away the extra's, isn't going to change his attitude, it will only make it worse, unless you explain to him that because of his attitude, you no longer wish to provide that which he can provide for himself. i.e. get a job and pay for his own phone.

The 'worse' part comes in because he is expecting (and has been allowed to expect) what you have given him, and he won't be suddenly mature enough to accept this change, and it will be worse if you don't have a plan in place.

Tell him there will be a family meeting at 7 p.m. You and your husband calmly sit down with him, and let him know that because of his actions and behaviour, the consequences are, * insert here what you have decided to take away*.

Tell him that you expect him to have a part time job- that he got himself- for the summer. And advise him of the consequences if he does not- no floating him money or loans so he can party all night and sleep all day.

Don't let him put one over on you by claiming he isn't working because YOU didn't arrange a job for him via the neighbour. Instead offer to help him put a resume together, but that offer is good only until the 20th of April. After that, you still expect him to find a summer job, but you will not help any longer with the resume.

I get the feeling that he needs to grow up a little bit. I have a hard time with him having the luxury of all that you provide, with no expectations in return. Having worked my way through two college degrees, I can't relate to him having it all, and with such an attitude of entitlement.

I do however, remember clearly kids like your son at college. The ones who had the cars, cash, nice apartments and all expenses paid, were also the ones that did all the partying, and again, on someone elses' dime.

Let him grow up a bit is my advice. Have a united front with your husband, lay down the law, and stick to it. If he won't sit and listen, send him an email and make a hard copy. If he starts asking for more anyway, send him a copy of it. No negotiating.

Best of luck to you.

[smearcase]

It will only get worse as time goes on. You have received excellent advice in the first two posts. Find out what is really going on at his school. You might be very surprised at what you find. Your actions (the funding) will speak much louder than your words. I speak from experience-a very, very bad experience.

[Fr_Chuck]

Explain to him that his behavior will not be allowed. And explain he can either be and treat you respectful or or he will be cut off. ** I would give him a chance to be proper. If he does not, yes, if you pay for the car, you keep it, stop paying cell phone and so on,