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teachu · Dec 9, 2009, 01:35 AM

My son is 22 he lives with his girlfriend and daughter over the years we have had what you would call usual family problems , his mum left us when he was 7 and he had learning difficulties while at school , when |I re married he had a few problems with my new wife so much so in the end he went to live with his grandparents, My 2nd wife and I divorced a year later , I have 4 children and 2 step children and they have all had similar upbringing but he is the only one who now continues to to be disrespectful he calls me his father a pr**k waste of space lonely old man all over social websites and via txt, this because I don't get to see him and my grandaughter whan he wants me too I do go when I can and when I do its always awkward as its seems his girlfriend is always in a rush to get out so they ask me for a lift , I have given them my time laying carpets putting up aerials and lending them money which I never get back , but he still insists on the constant abuse towards me and my wife and now his sister , what can I do

Just Dahlia · Dec 9, 2009, 12:58 PM

Have you told him how it makes you feel? Maybe he thinks he is just being funny in a gross sort of way.:(

I would try to have time to visit with your grand daughter, but not have time for him. He is not worth it at this time in his life, maybe later he will grow up and show the respect you deserve.

If it was happening to me, I would just drop all contact until the abuse stopped, I don't have time for that kind of cr*p, life is too short, and who would want to be around some one like that?:confused:

artlady · Dec 9, 2009, 01:03 PM

I would explain to him in no uncertain terms that until he matures and understands that he is to treat you and your family with the respect you deserve,he will not be seeing you.

Sever your ties with him until he complies with being a gentleman.

He is not a child,he is a man and a father and he should know better.

A little dose of tough love might be what he needs to make him realize the error of his ways.

teachu · Dec 11, 2009, 12:10 AM

Many thanks Just Dahlia and Artlady , I have cut off contact with him in the hope he does mature , only he thinks he already has? I have just learned that his mum is about to cut his mobile phone off as its in her name and he is running bills up of over £200 a month that she is paying and she is now in debt , this has been another problem really his mum and grand parents pampering him he comes to expect it without any regard, Many thanks again you begin to think your wrong but many have said the same

Just Dahlia · Dec 11, 2009, 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by teachu

Many thanks Just Dahlia and Artlady , I have cut off contact with him in the hope he does mature , only he thinks he already has ? , I have just learned that his mum is about to cut his mobile phone off as its in her name and he is running bills up of over £200 a month that she is paying and she is now in debt , this has been another problem really his mum and grand parents pampering him he comes to expect it without any regard ,, Many thanks again you begin to think your wrong but many have said the same

I thought you were his Mom? Or does Mum and Mom not mean the same thing?

Either way, I think you are doing the right thing:)

EDIT: never mind, you're the Dad, my mind is not working correctly. Sorry

Jake2008 · Dec 11, 2009, 10:39 AM

At some point, you have to live your life without the added stress of adult children who choose to live life as abusers, for whatever reason.

You've probably looked for those reasons, and realized that most people go through hardships, financial, personal, and that is not licence for adult children to turn it around and blame their problems on you because of it.

There is a sense of entitlement going on here with your son. He has learned that he gets what he wants no matter what he does, or how badly he treats people who give to him. While other family members are learning the hard way (ie the phone bills) like you, nobody has stopped giving to him. So he has naturally come to expect it. Like a three year old that screams until his parents give him a bowl of ice cream instead of making him eat his dinner. Giving in all the time puts a huge imbalance in the relationship. You can only give so much without receiving anything in return.

None of the adults in his life should be giving him anything. He's a grown man who should be far beyond the emotional games he plays with you. But, you are also a grown man, and you should not be allowing yourself to accept his behaviour while he holds you hostage to seeing your granddaughter either.

Set some boundaries with him, and stick to it. Realize that you are taking away the burden of him using and abusing you, and putting the responsibility for dealing with life back on his shoulders where it belongs. While you contribute to allowing his behaviour, he will never grow up. But you have to let him know, even if in a letter, because you not having any contact with him, may just mean he thinks your mad at him and you'll get over it, because you always have. Be straight with him, and tell him his behaviour, language, and attitude will no longer be tolerated. If others want to put up with it, that is their problem.

You have a life to live yourself. It's not up to you to continue to parent your son at this stage of the game. That part is over.