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jackson888 · Mar 17, 2011, 08:10 AM

I've been with this girl for almost a year now and we love each other, but I recently found out that she has a 3-4 year old kid and she still didn't tell me about it. This has been very stressful for me not to confront her about it, because her life is very messed up, all she do is think about partying and shopping with no sense of direction in life. I've been trying my best to help her to get back to school and find a proper day time job, and I can see that she is trying some what to make changes in her life for the good of her self, but problem now is that I found out that she has a kid and till this day she still didn't tell me... If I confront her now and leave her, she will get extremely emotional and hide from her problems even more and just do worst with her life. I think to myself after I found out about this baby, why do I still care and respect her so much when she can hide this big of a secret from me. I honestly don't know what to do, I love her very much but she is just so irresponsible with her kid and her own life. Her mother takes care of the baby at her mom's place out town away from here, and she hardly even go home to see her kid ad family. I can understand that she may be afraid to tell me in the beginning of the relationship, because she doesn't know me well and if she tells me I may leave right away. But we've been together for almost a year now and we are very close with each other we spend almost everyday together. My close friend and I believe that she may be very afraid to lose me because I've been a very good boyfriend to her and if she does tell me I will leave her for good. All my close friends tell me the most rational thing to do is to walk away now before I get hurt more. Honestly If she was a very responsible mom that realize her responsibilities and is working hard to support her kid, then it would make this so much easier for me to understand that she is a baby momma that is trying her best to take care of her kid and that she tells me about this situation in the beginning of our relationship I would respect her and still be with her. But she is hiding it till this day... after I found out about the baby I think to myself she must think about this problem with the baby and my relationship all the time... isn't it hard to feel so guilty not telling me and seeing me treat her so good as a boyfriend... What do I do!?

NeedKarma · Mar 17, 2011, 08:14 AM

Sorry mate, I can't get past the "dating for a year- didn't know she had a child" aspect. How does that happen?

talaniman · Mar 17, 2011, 08:28 AM

Not talking to her and getting her side, is the same dishonest, insecure crap she is doing, and if its wrong for her, its wrong for you also. Talk and get facts before you trip over just feelings.

amicon · Mar 17, 2011, 09:43 AM

You talk to her and find out how this situation came about in her life.

It's not a good thing to judge anyone without knowing the facts.

Cat1864 · Mar 17, 2011, 10:17 AM

If she hasn't told you about the child, then how do you know it exists? If there is a child, she may have an agreement with her mother that keeps her away from the child if her life has been as messed up as you say it has been.

You don't have to 'confront' her. You can begin a conversation and ask her about what you think you found out.

I will say that you may want to think of a way of asking that doesn't sound as judgmental of her and her past as you sound here.

Do you love her for who she is or as a project for you to work on? If you love her for the person she is, then talk to her and listen to her. If all you can think about is that this is another way she screwed up her life that you have to 'fix' or help her 'fix', then maybe you should think about why you are really in this relationship.

jackson888 · Mar 17, 2011, 05:25 PM

I do love her for who she is, and I don't see this whole baby issue to be another project to fix. Its not even about the kid that's important, it's the fact that she has to hide it for such a long time and not be honest with me, that's not genuine at all for her personality. The question is, does she take our relationship seriously? If she does then its her responsibility to tell me about it. She may not see a future in us that's why she didn't see a point telling me for so long, or she is just afraid of losing me. I honestly just want her to come clean with it, I don't know who can, but I honestly can't deal with being in a relationship where there is lack of honesty and such an extreme amount of distrust. I'm seeing her in a few hours she has something to say to me I'm just going to see what happens... and yes I do agree with the fact that if I'm not telling her that I know already its just as bad as her not telling me...

talaniman · Mar 18, 2011, 07:53 AM

You just keep making this about you, and your disappointed hurt feelings, and you may never understand her regrets, sadness, or maybe shame.

Jake2008 · Mar 19, 2011, 08:54 AM

I can see keeping past relationships to myself, or my bad credit rating, or the stupid things I did in college. I can even see lying about a $200 purse that I say I got on sale for $15 bucks.

But, not telling someone you've been involved with over a year that you have a child?

The child IS who she is. For whatever reason, she IS a mother, and that child IS an extension of her, her immediate past, and her entire future for many, many years to come. She IS a package deal. You can't just 'forget' to tell someone you are a mother for God's sake.

And she didn't even tell you- somebody else did.

Surely you see from just this one fact alone, that she is a mother- involves far more, and includes far more, complications in your relationship with her.

That someone else is raising that child because she can't get her s**t together, should also be a huge red flag here.

How you've described her as a partner, is one thing. How she is as a mother, only adds to the picture you've painted as this woman's life is still screwed up.

While you take on all her problems, and now the knowledge of her child as well, I don't hear you saying that she is trying to better herself in any way, if even for the sake of gaining custody of her child. Just what is it you are afraid of facing with this woman.

You don't have much of a relationship going on if a woman can keep this kind of secret from you. I don't know the woman, but I can say I have zero respect, and if I were you, I'd be hittin' the road.