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talaniman · Feb 24, 2011, 08:42 AM

If reaching out to save her life is emotional cheating then the problem is with YOU, not her.

You cannot help her as bad as you may want to, because you don't have the tools she needs, nor the emotional capability to not make this about you.

Either get over yourself and guide her to someone that can help, and support her.

Or leave her alone before you do more harm than good. You need as much help as she does, so get it!!

ITstudent2006 · Feb 24, 2011, 09:42 AM

I have had a horrible childhood. I was adopted when I was 7 and only a handful of people know about my past and the things I had to endure. My wife didn't know any of this until we had been dating for a year. I didn't even tell her my mom did.

Sometimes its not about just you. If she said she thought it was too early then leave it alone. She told you she called him, she told you the issue, she has been honest with you thus far, why jump to emotional cheating and create this huge thread about nothing?

I understand where she is coming from. I thought it was too early to tell me wife, and so I didn't. When she finally found out she understand, it's not something you tell many people. And when issues arise you talk to those few people who know. It's just the way it is...

Pboy87 · Mar 10, 2011, 02:05 PM

Well, me and my girlfriend have been dating for around 9 months now(almost 10months).. before we started dating, she had had a one time drunk make out session with this best friend of hers ( as she was depressed that her ex dumped her and kept gulping drinks.. and he came to hug her and she started it.. ).. it went till she going down on him... and then she pushed him away in the middle and passed out... ( I know all these details as she told me herself.. though I wish I didn't know so much -she doesn't remember much.. but the guy told her what all happened).. Anyway, after that incident they still continued being the best of friends.. they have known each other for around 4years and this incident happened last year on new years 2010.. and I met her in April.. 4months after it happened..
I was kind of uncomfortable with their friendship and closeness knowing their history and that they have had a drunk sexual thing.. although it was before I met her.. it still bothered me deep inside.. and I spoke to her about it..
And just to make me happy she started distancing herself from him and slowly cut contact with him..
She hasn't been in touch with him for around 3 months now.. ( 3months back.. we had fought and she went back to talk to him as she felt it was worthless making sacrifices for me as I was not even ready for a commitment at that point.. so she felt it was useless to cut her best friend off.. anyway,she felt bad about doing that as the fight hardly lasted two days.. and she says she hasn't spoken to him since that day.. and deleted him off her Facebook as well.. )
Well.. we were having a few fights of late.. and then somedays back a female friend of mine , who my girlfriend didn't even know existed.. came to my city.. and we met up.. and that kind of made her feel weird, that there may be so many other female friends and girls in my life that I haven't told her about(slight insecurity, as I tend to flirt.. and she is usually OK with it.. ).. ( I just didn't think it was a big deal and so didn't tell her till like a day before she came and that friend isn't even very close.. besides my girlfriend has many friends who I don't know about or ask).. and then..
Her best friend.. who she had cut off with.. messaged her last Sunday.. asking if she was free and that he wanted to meet and needed some help.. She didn't reply him.. but has gone into a very weird zone suddenly.. She started fighting with me.. and wanted to go on a break.. and then later wanted to break up.. and just last night.. Wednesday night. She told me, that he had messaged,as she couldn't hide it from me anymore and was feeling guilty for hiding it.. he messaged that he needed help and that she didn't reply.. and that she is Now feeling dumb for making sacrifices for me, whereas I haven't sacrificed anything for her.. My life has still been the same.. but she has changed her life.. cut off from her best friend as I was uncomfortable due to their past( and also cut contact with her ex boyfriends and casual flings of the past) and that now she is feeling bound in this relationship by me.. as she doesn't feel free.. and she feels she is the only one trying to make this work, that's why she is the only one trying to change to make me happy.. (im not in regular touch with my exes.. but I haven't completely cutoff, as she never had a problem with my exes or anything, but my contact with exes was maybe once in 2-3months, etc. because they text or call).. but now this is getting to her.. and most of this is because when we fought once I kind of told her that we wouldn't end up together or last very long as I would dump her anyway..
Anyway, she has started acting all weird, and asked me if she can call him and pleading.. I told her its her decision.. as I wasn't the one who told her to cut that friendship.. she did as she felt I wasn't happy with it as I didn't quite like that guy and their past... Her urge to call him is what is eating me up inside.. She broke up with me.. as she felt bound.. and that after breaking up she could talk to him.. So she wanted out.. Anyway, she didn't call him... n she says she won't... and that the urge to call him was because of her care for him..
I found it weird.. that she has cut off from him.. but one message changes things so bad? She still cares so much for that guy? That one message shook her up and she had to rethink her sacrifice? She says the differences were already creeping up and had said that we won't last and all.. but this message triggered everything.. and made her think if it is really worth it.. to change so much for me.. I never asked her to change.. she changed herself to make me happier..
Anyway, She dumped me before she told me and after she dumped me she told me that he had messaged and she was feeling bound... so that she could get back to that guy and talk to him.. she didn't talk to him at all.. and now she wants to get back and says she never exactly want to exactly breakup.. but she had started feeling bound and tied up... and now this morning onwards she wants to give us another shot..
I Don't know if I should give it another shot.. if I should get back with her.. the main thing eating my mind is.. SHE DUMPED ME FOR /BECAUSE of THAT GUY, WHO I Don't LIKE... and that's why I don't want to get back with her.. . Am I overreacting?? Over a small thing and that its Ok that she still cares so much for him? Or should I try to make this work? I'm confused..

Cat1864 · Mar 10, 2011, 07:52 PM

Having read all of your posts in this thread (I suggest anyone new to the thread read the whole thing), I think you need to stay out of her life.

One thing you left out of your latest lament is that last month you were upset because she contacted her ex because she was feeling suicidal and you felt like it was emotional cheating.

This month he needs (undisclosed) help and she feels guilty for not telling you he contacted her even though she didn't return his message. You say that it was up to her to decide what she wants to do and whether to distance herself from the males in her life, but, if you read what you have written here, you have made it quite clear that you don't like her being around other men.

I think she needs to find happiness in herself and stop trying to find it with men are are more concerned about their own needs.

I think you need to find someone who has a past and friends that you can handle because you obviously are not handling hers.

Both of you need to work on your own insecurities. Neither of you are stable enough to be in a long term relationship.

Please, use No Contact and end the confusion and hurt.

Pboy87 · Mar 10, 2011, 11:49 PM

The help that he needed even she didn't know. As she didn't reply him back then.. One of their common friends just said that his niece was in hospital so he needed help.. and she started flipping..
I don't have a problem of her being around men... She still has many many guy friends.. who she hangs out with and stuff.. I just feel uncomfortable when she is around these people who she has had sex with or been physical.. It makes me think of them being together and their pas together because of the images and details she as given me.. and it makes me cringe..

amicon · Mar 11, 2011, 02:30 AM

You should step away from this it's a toxic mess and it's not going to get any better with time.

You are both insecure and you have trust issues and you can't communicate.

Cat is right-nc and work on yourself.

Pboy87 · Mar 11, 2011, 02:40 AM

Its not about me being insecure.. She has many guy friends.. Its just that I'm very uncomfortable at friends having sex and then continuing to be best friends.. I mean.. the reason I'm bothered by their friendship is because they have had drunk oral.. the friendship isn't purely platonic..
And she didn't want to start dating him after that night, because she didn't want to lose him as a friend.. because she knew they wouldn't be compatible..
Its just because of the physical aspect that I get bothered by their closeness...
And she dumping me to go call him again as she cares so much for him still is eating me up... Though she didn't call him.. and wants to get back with me now.. I don't know if I should.. as its really messing me up that she still cares so much for him...

adviceishere · Mar 11, 2011, 05:31 AM

You said at the start she made out with him topless... now its oral? Someone that "makes" they're close one cut contact from friends IS someone that is insecure and controlling. Leave this girl alone, she's fighting with you because you made her cut ties with her best friend and then you go and meet up with other women. Why is there one rule for you and another for her? Don't get back with her if you really love her,

Pboy87 · Mar 11, 2011, 05:44 AM

Well.. she told me at first that she just went topless.. and weeks later she told me that she went oral.. she doesn't remember going oral.. but the guy told her as she asked him..
I DID NOT make her cut ties... I never wished her to change... she did it as she saw I was uncomfortable.. I told her she can go meet him and whatever.. but please don't ask me to join.. or don't tell me what happens.. I didn't even know she had cut off.. till once we had an argument and she said she had..
Anyway, now that she had.. OF HER OWN WILL.. she suddenly caring for him so much is what's eating me up inside... had she not cut off.. it wouldn't be a problem.. bt she gave me hopes and showed she did sacrifices and made me like her more and more.. for these things.. and now suddenly he messages her and she starts caring. And wanting to call.. and breaks up as she feels bound... and wants to talk to him... I Didn't TIE her. She decided to do all that. And then.. she doesn't end up calling him. Bt wants to get back with me...

Cat1864 · Mar 11, 2011, 07:12 AM

Pboy, I don't think you have a basic understanding of emotions. Just because she didn't communicate with her best friend for awhile doesn't mean that she doesn't have the same feelings she did for him (I apologize for getting friend and ex confused in my last post. This is about the best friend. Last month was about the ex-boyfriend.) He is/was her best friend-nothing more. She made that decision before you came into her life.

I think you need to read this entire thread and pay careful attention to your posts.

You say that changing was her choice, but was it really? Look at your own behavior and see how it has affected hers.

Be honest with yourself. You say she could communicate with him as long as you didn't know. However, if she hadn't told you and you found out about it, you would be wanting to accuse her of cheating (emotionally if not physically.)

I wish I could say I saw a future for this relationship, but I can't because I don't. I see two people caught up in a revolving door. The only ways I know of to stop spinning around are 1) step back from each other, Take time to heal and THEN work together to identify and fix the issues BEFORE getting back together or 2) go your separate ways, heal and move on.

Good luck.

Pboy87 · Mar 11, 2011, 07:22 AM

well.. I think going our own ways is easier... she keeps mentioning it over n over that it happened with him just Once.. but it pisses me off.. that it did happen.. and if either person valued the friendship so much, they wouldn't have done it..
n Now she drags my younger bro into the fight.. that if I was to choose her over my bro to boost her ego, and I find out that my bro needed help n I couldn't help, how would I feel.. I can't believe she just did that comparison.. had he been a platonic friend I would have helped as well... but they have been physical... and very close... so close that she would compare me n him at first and he would be the topic she'd talk on.. it just made my hatred for him grow.. when she told me they were drunk n physical.. and at first tld me.. they madeout n then months later.. that she went down on him... I can't get it out because of the details she kept giving.. I don't think I can take it anymore...

Homegirl 50 · Mar 11, 2011, 09:53 AM

This is the same problem you were having months ago and were told to leave this situation.
You two are not good with or for each other. Let this be the end of this.
Don't be like a dog returning to his vomit.

amicon · Mar 11, 2011, 10:00 AM

If you can't take it anymore,then don't.

Pboy87 · Mar 12, 2011, 03:15 AM

yeah.. I have been feeling indifferent towards her since last night.. don't bother what happens now.. because of her comparison of that guy with my brother.. to show the similarity between the care.. and when I got pissed and asked her to not compare.. she goes on to say.. 'why not.. just because I have a sexual history with this guy? He is as dear a friend as your brother is to you.. ' . Wow.. I don't even know what to say after that.. x(.. I have just gone totally 'blah' about it.. just totally indifferent.. and don't know what to do...
Anyway, we were together for so many months as we are very similar on other things.. except the sexual past and holding onto friends thing.. we are very similar.. and 90% telepathic.. we have had complete conversations without uttering a word.. we can tell what the other person is thinking without them saying it.. and it was weird for both of us.. as both of us never experienced anything like this before... that's why we always wanted to make it work.. even now.. she is pissed with me because I was nasty to her after she mentioned my bro but she says she still loves me.. but I have just gone indifferent.. I hated her at first for saying that stuff and for missing and sill caring for that friend so much.. but now I'm just indifferent.. and don't know what to do...

amicon · Mar 12, 2011, 03:19 AM

Then you move on with your life and leave this behind you.

Pboy87 · Mar 12, 2011, 03:26 AM

Hmmm.. but I'm wondering if its worth throwing away such a bond...

amicon · Mar 12, 2011, 03:33 AM

Bond?
It's more like a mutual addiction to drama and pain.

You've been here since early Nov. 2010 and the story doesn't change.

Hopefully,sooner rather than later you will grow tired of this mess.

tickle · Mar 12, 2011, 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by Pboy87

.. but now im just indifferent.. and dont know what to do...

Yes, once this happens, indifference, then you are on your way to healing and you will find you will be quite comfortable out of this relationship. Sad, but true.

Tick

Pboy87 · Mar 12, 2011, 04:38 AM

bond = compatibility on other topics.. having a telepathic bond.. and knowing the other persons mind.. etc..
I don't know if could find a partner like that..
Anyway, I have been here since nov but the issues get resolved and I come back with another problem... now.. it doesn't bother that she called her ex when low... or that she was 'easy' in her past.. now the problem was more about.. if she left that friend for me.. why does she still feel so much care for him..
anyway, I know I may grow tired of this mess but I don't know what to do.. I don't want to break up and hurt her.. but I am a little indifferent now... confused...

Pboy87 · Mar 12, 2011, 04:39 AM

Hmmmmm... but is there no way to get over the indifference and have feelings for her again? Does it never happen?