[plezehelpme]

My husband is a wonderful man, a great father and very nice, however I am not attracted to him and have never been since before we were married. I knew he would take care of me and that is why we were together. Now we have two children and I feel like something is missing. There have been some discretions on my part and I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me or if I am in an unhappy marriage. I'm hoping someone who was in a similar situation can help me. We have separately and I feel great but we always end up back together... can anyone offer advice?

[ken007nielsen]

Why do you always end up together?

[Jake2008]

There have been some discretions on my part

Do you mean indescretions? Are you saying you have cheated?

We have separately and I feel great but we always end up back together

What does that mean?

A little clarity would assist in answering you. Thanks.

[plezehelpme]

Ok, thank you for reading and responding
First, yes, I have had an affair during my marriage. My husband is unaware of this. I have also thought about having other flings as well but haven't. We have been married since 2004. I was engaged to someone else (with a ton of chemistry) but he wasn't as "nice" as my current husband so I broke it off with him and chose to marry my husband. I just don't feel attracted to my husband and I don't know that I ever did. He is a great friend and father to our two children and I appreciate that but I feel like there is no "spark" and there never really was.
Also, we have separated and been through counseling and more recently took a trip without our children to reconnect. He ended up spending time with a big group of married people and he went off with one of the married ladies... they sat at the bar talking for hours, they danced and at the end he kissed her hand in front of myself and the woman's husband. I was a little jealous but more curious and shocked that he would do something like this. I feel like if he was honest with himself too that he would realize that he is not getting what he needs or this wouldn't be happening, right?

In any event, I feel bad for him when he gets upset during our separation and it is a comfort to hang out together, etc. (we don't fight) so we just end up back together and I am secretly miserable. Is this what marriage is? Just friendship with very little or no spark at all?

[Jake2008]

Thank you for your honesty. You are already off to a good start in trying to figure this all out.

While you feel your needs are not being met, and there are problems that you and your husband felt were seriously enough to seek counselling over, you have remained in the same place it seems, as to your feelings toward him. I appreciate that you aren't finding 'fault' with him, to justify your affair.

But, with such a breech in your commitment to him, I don't know that that fact alone, had it been disclosed in counselling as a major contributing factor in why you feel the way you do, how the marriage would be now.

Sex is only one part of any relationship, except in the beginning, where sparks fly initially. Once kids, mortgages, jobs, and other responsibilities come along, sex is not always a priority. And if we are talking about intimate moments, was there a time when you tried to work on that problem, which is essentially communicating your needs to him.

There is much to be said about a good man, a good husband, a good father. To combine all the good that attracted to you in the first place, seems to me to be good decision made. If you could, define about him that which you would miss, should he be gone, what would those characteristics be. And if you could, define a man with his characteristics as a benchmark that you could find in another man, do you think you could find another like him?

While you may sacrifice a spark, fireworks kind of sex life with him, in return for who he is, and considering the solid, nurturing life your children have... is it worth the risk?

I think it is worth the effort for you to address the possibility of counselling again. And this time, I would be honest about getting what you need, and the fact that having an affair has had a negative effect on the confidence in remaining married to him. I believe that, until all the cards are on the table, and you can start with the truth, only then will you know how much you and your husband are willing to fight the good fight to remain together.

It seems a decision has to be made, one way or the other.