[PhoNIX_ZA]

Hi Everyone

I am in a bit of a predicament at the moment as I feel that I could be falling in love with a straight guy. I am a gay guy and this has happened to me on more than one occasion and it has torn me to pieces in the past and is probably the reason why I am still single at age 30. I am going to have to explain my situation in detail so that you may better understand so please bear with me. About 10 years ago I fell in love with this guy who used to work with me. We became great friends and always went out together, he was straight at that point in time and I think he had trouble coming to terms with the fact that he might have been gay. He asked me to accompany him to a year-end function and later that night we ended up in the same bed and well… I will spare you the details. After that we have had close to about 100 sexual interactions and he continued to tell me he was straight. I was 20 at that time and things kept on like this for about 3 years. I was stupid and should have distanced myself from him but could not as we were forced to see each other every day. Every time he would get drunk I would be the first person he would phone and we would meet somewhere and have sex. I played along with this hoping that he would one day say; “you know what, I am gay and wish to be in a relationship with you”. That never happened. I quit my job and went abroad for a year to get him out of my mind. I eventually returned home feeling better only to find out that he was openly gay and in a relationship with another guy. It took some time to get over that and about 2 years passed when I met another guy who did the same thing to me. He is married today with two kids and I am keeping my distance as I don't want to ruin someone else's life. And now, in comes guy number 3. This guy is just amazing, he is also straight and have been in a relationship with a very attractive and absolutely stunning woman for the last 4 years. The 3 of us get along like a house on fire. He often makes jokes about being a closet gay and initially I thought he was just metro sexual. He is very protective of me and he is not scared to hug me or kiss me. He often flirts with me in front of his girlfriend and she just laughs it off. The other night they were all over at my place and I had a conversation with him in private where I told him I pushed the boundaries with another friend of ours. He got upset with me and asked me why I never push the boundaries with him. My response was that I didn't want to lose a good friend because I can't control my sexual urges. Later that night his girlfriend left and we were sitting on the couch together and he asked me to move closer cause he wanted to cuddle, which I then did. We sat on the couch for about an hour with him holding me. I know he was waiting for me to make the next move but I just couldn't. I am falling in love with him, and taking it further might make things worse. I also don't want to be selfish and mess up his girlfriend's life because she really loves him. We chat every day. I also do not wish to lose him as friend but how can I continue this friendship without being abused? Taking the previous occurrences into consideration. Do you think I setting myself up for yet another heartbreak. I cannot afford to go through something like this again and be the one who has a broken heart in the end. Please give me some advice.

[Cat1864]

The first thing is that it doesn't matter if he straight, gay, or bi. He is in a relationship and that makes him off-limits no matter what he thinks. If he isn't getting what he needs in his relationship, he should get out, heal, and move on instead of playing games/cheating on his girlfriend.

You should have enough respect for yourself not to fall for the act he is putting on. I consider it an act because he knows what he wants and is trying to make himself seem innocent. He gets caught by the girlfriend. He says you came on to him and made advances. It wasn't his fault.

IF he is bi and has a non-exclusive relationship with his girlfriend, then he should be up front about it. If he is fishing for a third person for a threesome, they should be up front. However, he/they aren't so you are getting played.

I don't know where you are looking for partners, but I think you may need to examine why you choose the people you do. Are you really wanting an out-in-the-open relationship that will become long term or are you picking partners who you know will not be there in the long run? Is there an aspect of being afraid of long term commitment? It may be a totally subconscious way of trying to protect yourself from getting as emotionally close as you think you want to get.

What are you wanting in a relationship? What characteristics are you looking for in a partner? Are looking for the person who already fits the template or the person who you want to change to match your ideal?

[jenniepepsi]

+1 to all that Cat said.

But wanted to add, is it possible that you are a transexual? A man who wants to be a woman? That would explain why you are more attracted to hetero males rather than homo males

[PhoNIX_ZA]

Firstly thank you for taking the time to read through my question.

I think you're absolutely right. You have no idea how much sense everything makes now.

I have always had more straight friends than gay ones and that might be the one of the reasons these things happen to me. I do not think that I have issues with long term relationships as I know I would give absolutely everything to that one person, if and when he comes along.

I am going to be honest, I do have a huge issue with rejection and that might be the cause of all this confusion in my life. I have dated a couple of gay people who have always cheated on me so I am fully aware of what it feels like to be the one who is cheated on. That is why this bothers me so much.

I also grew up in a very conservative environment and knew I was homosexual from a very young age. A couple of things also happened to me during my childhood which might be the cause of me always choosing people who wish to dominate and abuse me.

You have no idea how difficult it is to write this as the tears are streaming out of my eyes. I cannot begin to express my appreciation for what you have replied. Never has anyone been this open and honest with me about a matter that has caused me great sadness. You're words really made me ask myself questions I should have years ago. Now if only I knew how to deal with this and knew what changes to make.

[Cat1864]

Do you have counseling available where you live? Do you think talking to someone who knows more about what you are going through would help? Remember that counseling is a way to ask yourself questions and discover the answers inside of you. The counselor is there to keep you moving forward instead of around in circles such as often happens when we start questioning ourselves.

I noticed that you have listed your location as South Africa. I don't know if these links will be any help to you, but hopefully they can give you a place to start:
Triangle Project • Challenging Homophobia & Appreciating Sexual Diversity
About Us | RainbowUCT
Durban Lesbian & Gay Community & Health Centre

Remember to be patient with yourself.