[Brigitte74]

My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 21 years and I am keen to finally start a family I never really had one of my own, children's home and foster care instead. I'm 36 now and I guess that clock is ticking. Unfortunately after 18 months of trying to conceive my boyfriend did a fertility home test which resulted in a low sperm count.

He drinks every day (alone in his study) with quantities varying anywhere between minimum 2 cans of cider to 4 cans of cider plus a bottle of wine, everyday. His father is an alcoholic so there may be some genetic tendencies, if not that, certainly environmental influences on coping behaviour through self medication.

He holds down a responsible job (computer work which he does mainly from home) which indicates to him that he has no problem with alcohol. The main problem is that I have tried talking, lecturing, begging, crying in order to get healthy and sober and nothing seems to make him stop. We have tried the “cutting down to 3 days a week” compromise but it doesn't take long before rules are broken and excuses are made as to why he bought and drank another bottle of wine. The longest he hasn't drunk was 1 week which he found difficult after which he went straight back to drinking as he had “proven” he could do it therefore wasn't an alcoholic.

As I am desperate to start a family of my own and he appears to be choosing to “have a beer” (there is a lot of lying about quantities consumed) instead of trying to get healthy would it be fair to say he is choosing alcohol over me?

I am totally stuck and alone, I can't leave him as I have no-one else in terms of family nor do I have many friends plus he is my best friend. He keeps saying it is obvious I hate him (which I sort of do, but it's the drinking that poisons so much in our relationship not necessarily him) and that seems to be his constant comeback whenever I try and talk to him.

Are there any suggestions or avenues I could have missed? Not sure what my question is here … guess I am trying to figure out if he has a drinking problem or not.

So sorry for the looooong question, wasn't sure how to abbreviate it all … should anyone be reading this and connecting on some level I guess we can take comfort in the fact that we are not completely alone …

[JudyKayTee]

I am concerned about the "can't leave him because ..." thinking. It is not pleasant when you are trapped.

My opinion? When drinking poisons a relationship - your words - it's out of control.

You need to sit him down and talk to him or talk to him and a Physician before you bring a child into this problem.

[DrBill100]

While I can't specifically advise whether a drinking problem exists in his particular case let me provide some examples that frequently appear in those where a problem has been shown to exist. (these behaviors are drawn from years of treatment experience).

1) Family history of alcohol problems.
2) Daily drinking to excess (excess is my term and admittedly subjective) even without loss of productivity.
3) Cutting back or quitting for a short time "to demonstrate that they can."
4) Continued drinking despite recognition that it is causing distress to those around them (you in this instance) and rationalizing the behavior.
5) Surreptitious drinking, including misrepresentation of amount.

It probably isn't accurate to say that he has chosen drinking over you. If he has a drinking problem, given his family history of such problems (alcoholism is almost invariably father-to-son), it is more reasonable to say that alcohol has chosen him.

The field of alcohol treatment has significantly expanded in the past 30 years. There are many treatment avenues now available, from the total abstinence (12 step) models through neuropharmacological craving reduction treatment plans. Your boyfriend doesn't face the same all-or-nothing phenomenon that his father lived through and that predominated in my early days in the field.

[Fr_Chuck]

Being able to work does not mean a thing, for too many drunks, work every day, I knew one man who even had to have a drink at breakfeast to get him going and he held a important position in a high management with the Government. He worked better with a little high than he did sober.

The trouble is if it is effecting his life.

As to having kids, so he has a low sperm court, what did the doctor who did the test recommend