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verysorry · Feb 14, 2011, 08:44 AM

Recently, I have been trying to sort out my life. I have come to the conclusion that there are some things in my life I am ashamed of and would like to make apologies to those I have hurt. Yes, I know this is to make me feel better, but that is the idea. Here's what happened: 20 years ago, my friend and I went out and a guy gave her his phone number. I was jealous. I was upset. I was selfish with envy and pride. So, when she was in the bathroom, I took the number and threw it away. I rationalized it over the years, thinking that he should have asked for her number, too, or that she could have remembered his name and where he worked. I made a breakthrough in my therapy recently, and now I feel awful about what I did - what right did I have? I should have been happy for her and instead, I felt jealous and selfish. She just thought she dropped it and lost it. 20 years later, I know what happened, but she doesn't. She went on with her life and is happily married. My life is a mess (big surprise!), but she's fine and as far as I know, she has not thought about the incident after it happened. I feel a need to unload this from my head and heart. What should I do? Should I tell her about it? Thanks.

talaniman · Feb 14, 2011, 06:34 PM

You want to make amends to a friend. I can understand it. But know before hand when you do, whatever she deems is the appropriate way to handle things is what you live with. Got it?

Call her. But be prepared if she doesn't want your apology, or appreciates it, and calls you names.

verysorry · Feb 14, 2011, 08:05 PM

OK

answerme_tender · Feb 15, 2011, 09:37 AM

Okay in my opinion only--This is a noneventful situation that occurred in your friends life. It was not life altering event. She has apparently married her soul mate, and you have stated that she is happy in her LIFE!!

I am not saying that if there are people that you feel you have seriously wronged that you shouldn't call them and give your apologies, even if its been 20years.

This will be your choice, bottom line if it will make you feel better then go for it, but otherwise why not just call her and catch up. Tell her about what you have gone through, find out about her life---this is the true opportunity for you to learn to be a better friends more then any apology would make up for!!

Take care

redhed35 · Feb 15, 2011, 09:53 AM

It took you 20 years to learn that lesson, you should rejoice in it,some people never learn.

To call her up now and unload the burden may open a can of worms for YOU that you have to deal with.

Instead, consider the lesson learnt,its in the past,what you have now is more then just regret you have a nugget of experience,that is,using your line... 'what right did I have',. that will carry you into a whole lot more situations where you can be in a place where you don't judge someone else for what they have done, because you have been there and you understand,it makes you a better person, learning, understanding and growth, that's what its all about.

Consider yourself unburdened.

My advice, let sleeping dogs lie and move forwards.

JudyKayTee · Feb 15, 2011, 11:50 AM

Agree with Redhed - sometimes the very act of relieving yourself of guilt, the act of expressing remorse, works for you but not the other person. Will she even remember what happened 20 years ago? I don't know. Does she WANT to remember 20 years ago? I don't know that either.

Why bring the past back into her life? She's moved on, she's happy. The "confession" may make you feel better but I don't think it will make her feel better.

Let it go -

cdad · Feb 15, 2011, 04:02 PM

Maybe what you might do is this. Take your feelings and your woes for the situation and write them down in a letter. Make sure you write out all the points you want to make. Make sure all the guilt makes it into the letter. After you write it make a pledge to resolve any future issues like this right away and promise yourself it will never happen again. Then burn the letter. Do not send it,do not read it to anyone else. Burn it and realize that your future is what your going to make of it and the past in this case is just that. The past.

martinizing2 · Feb 15, 2011, 11:26 PM

Great responses by all.

I only wish that throwing a phone number away was my main cause of guilt from my past. I'm afraid that it would be lost among the other really bad things...
I would feel "saintly" if that were all there was.

It does show a strong moral character

dontknownuthin · Feb 17, 2011, 10:54 AM

I think if you came clean with your therapist about this and with yourself, it's all good. Your friend is fine, happily married, and telling her this just accomplishes what - makes you look like a jerk to her for something you did when you were 20 years younger and more immature than you are now?

This idea of "closure" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. We want to gift wrap tragedies and losses and guilt, etc. and sometimes it's best to just come clean with ourselves about it and move on.

If you are Catholic, consider confessing to a priest. Or, consider doing something that only you know about in honor of that friend - send some money to her children's school as a donation, for example, so in your mind you feel like you've tried to do what you can to make things right.