[virgsac]

My husband gets really mad at me when I ask him if he is gay! I mean MAD. The only reason I think he is bi is because he searches on the internet for hard core gay porn, masturbation, male on male foot worship, bisexual, and more extreme gay porn. But he tells me they where pop ups on the computer.

He tells me all the time he loves me and thinks I am sexy. But then I find that crap on my computer and it makes me wonder! He is in the military so to hide what he is, is really easy. He spends all day with men. I do not know how to find out if he is sleeping with a man or not. He controls the finances and I am a stay at home mom with no money. We have been together for 13 years and I have found this crap on my computer for 5 years. He gets extremely mad when I bring it up.

[martinizing2]

Communication is the best way to find out anything.

Will he calmly discuss heterosexual subjects?
After 13 years you should be able to discuss most anything.

He may just be "curious" about bi or gay.

How is your sex life?

Any changes or major differences ?

The porn factor is suspicious to me. People usually view porn to be stimulated so they watch what they find stimulating.

You might try saying something like " seeing the porn raised questions
that I need answered, I'm not accusing or labeling , I just want to know how you fell and would like to calmly discuss this....."

Initiation of a calm discussion by any means necessary or feasible would help .

[Synnen]

You don't really care if your husband if bisexual.

You just want to know if he's cheating on you and if he's still interested in you, right?

Bisexual people can be monogamous. Why do people think that bisexual people have to have BOTH sexes to be satisfied. Do you have to have ALL of the men you've ever been attracted to sleeping with you in order to feel satisfied?

Opinion here is this: FORGET ABOUT THE FREAKING PORN! It's not the porn you care about anyway. Ask him if he's cheating on you. If he says no, then you either trust him and let this all go, or you get your butt into counseling for your lack of trust issues.

If he says YES... get a good lawyer.

Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him, you should either be in counseling together or you should at least get counseling yourself.

[smoothy]

If you go to the wrong website... don't have your web browser settings in just the right way... and don't have any third party software to prevent it... you can and WILL get all sorts of unwanted pop-ups... many of which are porn. And they are in fact very aggressively pushed by spammers.

Now anyone who REALLY knows computers even half as well as I do will back that up.

And none of what I just said... discounts any or all of what was said by the other two previous posters. This only adds to what they both already said.

[Synnen]

I would like to add that I'd get mad if someone who was supposed to love and trust me questioned my sexuality too

[martinizing2]

I would like to add that I'd get mad if someone who was supposed to love and trust me questioned my sexuality too

I agree ,except he did give reason to question.

Five years of male oriented porn would cause a question or two for most people I think.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes if someone asked me if I was gay and I said no, and they keep asking and asking and asking, I would be very very mad.

The issue is not gay or not gay, it is , is he faithful, or perhaps him looking at porn ?

Do you have a issue with him just looking at porn ?

But I know that also viruses , get into computers, esp if you visit a lot of regular porn sites. But even if not, we had one going around our church group, their email keep sending out spam and porn, one person got it, then another and so on. Until they got their computers professionally cleaned out, it keep happening.

[Cat1864]

virgsac, what happened after eight years of being together to cause you to think that a porn was the only way to tell what his sexual orientation is? 13 years together minus 5 years of finding homosexual oriented porn on the computer leaves 8 years of getting to know each other. Eight years in which you should have been able to learn how to communicate with each other.

If he is bi, would it matter if all he did was look at porn as long as you are the only person he loves in a romantic way and is sexually active with?

I get the impression that it isn't only his sexuality and the thought of infidelity that is bothering you. He controls the finances. Why? Do the two of you discuss incoming funds and bills, needs, wants, etc. Have you tried to be included in the decisions? Has he tried to get you involved in the past? Does he shut you out?

You are a stay-at-home-mother. Is that by choice or how it worked out? Do you want a job with your own income? Would it change how secure you feel in the marriage if you had your own money?

[southern_raised]

Chick, he might be gay or not, but you'll never find out if all you ask him is if he's gay.

Bisexually won't kill your marriage. Aggression will. Distrust will. Stupidity will(be it his stupidity or yours).

So talk to your dude, not about his orientation, but about what he likes in bed. If he loves penetration or anal sex I could naturally see a man who was confident in his own sexuality, be it straight or not, watching gay male porn.

I'm a bisexual girl and I love gay male porn. I also like penetration and anal.
Also look at the quality and syle of his porn. He might not like stick thin thighs and inflated boobs. It is really hard to find real women that are not amateur in high quality (beleive me I have tried) and most men look normal in porn. Most not all.

He may also get off on the tabu. Most straights hate gays, but here I am getting a woody, you know...

Or he could just be gay and living a lie. Either way, look back on all the time you have spent together, times when you KNOW that he was most sincere.

And ask yourself if his "abnormality" is enough to end your love.
If you say yes, then you were never in love in the first place.