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BBKittyKat · Feb 7, 2011, 01:07 AM

I would like to hear the opinions of those who have left their loved ones for someone else and came to regret it. a) How long did it take you to regret it?
b) Why did you regret it? Is it because your new life sucked and didn't work out the way you planned it?
c) What is the best advice for an ex who wants you back? NC? Or occasional contact?

My boyfriend and I were happy for 3 years till I had to move overseas for 2 years. We would quarrel a lot, mostly about him not putting in an effort to keep in touch. However, when I returned home for the holidays, our love would be as good as new. Until the recent holiday, I felt him drifting away. He would always be 'busy' attending compulsory office events and would even 'forget' about our prearranged dates. Soon I found out about the other girl, and he did not attempt to deny her existence. He told me they were just colleagues and he had to breakup with me because he was not mature to handle relationships. However, I heard they became official a day after we broke up.

I am really confused about what I should do now. I have been doing a lot of thinking during the past few months of NC. He thinks I don't know that he and the girl are together, and we are not connected by Facebook nor MSN. In the first two weeks, I attempted to contact him by sending a text once a week to ask how he was doing. But those messages were quickly shrugged off with 'I'm busy, got to go.' Thereafter, he never attempted to contact me again. I am really hurt that after all we had been through, he didn't even attempt to be 'friends'. He just rode off into the sunset with his new love without turning back.

I did some reflection about the relationship and I admit I was wrong about making him the center of my life. I gave him my all, and expected the same of him. Yet, that wasn't what he wanted. I had loved him the wrong way. Before I left, I told him that I was willing to make amends but he told me it was too late and he didn't love me anymore.

Initially, I wanted to wait it out, as I believed that he and the girl would not last and I would soon be moving home. But as time grew on, I started having nightmares about him being with her, and the very thought of them having sex made it impossible for me to accept him again. I still love him with everything I got, and have not considered dating as I want to use this time to heal and learn to love myself.

What should I do? I still love him so much, and there is so much I want to tell him. I know that things will never be the way they were before, yet I can't bring myself to love another. I know I should not contact him now as he is having the time of his life with the new girl, yet I do not want to be forgotten. Will it be appropriate to contact him when I move home half a year later?

redhed35 · Feb 7, 2011, 02:05 AM

No contact has been tried and tested, its works when it is applied fully, your on the right track with your words, but your actions (making contact) won't help you heal.

All your doing is going around in a loop, you need to break the pattern of trying no contact, breaking it and starting again... go complete no contact.

No contact can be a powerful tool, giving you 20/20 vision on the relationship, allow those harbouring thoughts and feelings to subside and eventually fade.

It takes time, one day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time, but it all adds up.

Breakups hurt, and it takes time to recover and move on, you need to give it time and see no contact as just that... no contact at all,now, next week or next year.

He has moved on and made it clear he does not love you any more and does not want a relationship, that's hard to swallow then you still have strong feelings for someone, but it remains the truth, he has moved on.

Every time you make contact he rejects you again, and you feel hurt again, its emotional self harming..

Time to see the situation as it really is.

Try and except its over and he is not coming back, the sooner you do the sooner REAL healing can take place and you can move forwards with your life.

talaniman · Feb 7, 2011, 09:02 AM

Listen to Redhead as she is dead on the money. You don't wait for an ex that cheated, and dumped you to come back. You cut all contact with him and heal, and rebuild your life without him. If there were things you need to say, write a letter, and burn it, and look forward, and not back.

He is doing his thing, start doing yours, and being happy with what you do. Why be stuck on this loser? What you want to make a fool of yourself, or do you want to be healthy, happy, and ready for a better romance??

liongal · Feb 7, 2011, 09:41 AM

I agree with the above two replies... Hun this man isn't worth it/you! Do yourself a favour and focus on you (I know it's not easy, as you feel you have lost something good, however you haven't! When the ruble has cleared from your eyes, you will be thanking God he is now out of your life... Although I understand you wanting to remain friends etc, however it way too early, and you cannot force someone to recognise that they lost a good thing in you... When he is ready, he will acknowledge this, but only when he is ready (and he may never extend this to you)

Stop blaming yourself for the failiure of that relationship, it takes two to committed adults to make it work... And regarding his 'new found love' There is a saying, 'the way you find your man/woman is the way your going to lose them'... If they got together while he was still in a relationship with you, she will prob find somewhere down the line she will lose him to another woman.

There is a book called 'In the Meantime' by Iyanla Vanzant Very appt for the process you are currently going through...

God Bless.

BBKittyKat · Feb 8, 2011, 08:40 PM

Thanks redhead35, I'm trying to accept that he's gone and not coming back. I feel really guilty because looking back at the relationship, I realize there were times he wanted out, but I told him to try again, and he did. I believe in commitment and effort for a relationship to work, but my selfish thought had trapped him in a relationship he didn't want. How do I achieve closure from all of these?

Hi talaniman, thank you for your encouragement. I wrote many letters to my ex but didn't send them. :) I'll try my very best not to make a fool of myself. At least for the next half a year I wouldn't be able to, because I'm 3000 miles away from him.

Hey liongal, what do you mean by 'and he may never extend this to you'? Does it mean that he may realize he lost something good but wouldn't let me know? Your quote made me smirk for a moment 'the way you find your man/woman is the way your going to lose them'. Some days I wish misfortune upon them so that he can see who is truly good to him, yet on other days I comfort myself that I just want him to be happy no matter who he is with. It's really tough wrestling with two opposing feelings.

I checked out the book summary online and will get it on my next trip to the bookstore. Thanks for the recommendation!

redhed35 · Feb 9, 2011, 01:32 AM

Look, you were in love, you wanted it to work, he didn't have the balls to say it was over and move on, he stayed, its as much his fault as yours, plus he cheated.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Keep up no contact and you will get there.

BBKittyKat · Feb 10, 2011, 12:01 AM

Hey, you guys.. any idea why most people's exes keep the doors open/ask to remain friends whereas mine without a single goodbye? I know people who ask to keep the doors open are more often than not looking for a fall back. But the fact that my boyfriend and I started as best friends and shared years of relationship makes me wonder... am I not even good enough as a fall back? I didn't treat him badly. In fact, I gave him my everything. Do I not deserve a place in his life after all we shared together?

P.S. not that I like being made use of. Just wondering. ;)

BBKittyKat · Feb 10, 2011, 12:04 AM

Typo: mine LEFT* without a single goodbye

redhed35 · Feb 10, 2011, 09:26 AM

When an ex leaves the door open, it leads to confusion and more hurt to the person who has been dumped, its so difficult to move forwards when they still make the odd appearance, and its very disrespectful, meaning they have no regard for the person there hurting, or the new person their with.

He leave without a trace, hard to swallow, but he did you a favour.

Time to focus on you, get busy doing your own thing, get back on track.

Below are a few links that you may find helpful.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-510422.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-510425.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-510427.html

BBKittyKat · Feb 15, 2011, 01:28 AM

I can't do it :( I can't stop loving him. I thought life was back to normal but a few months of NC has passed and the wound is still as fresh as it was on day 1 :( Can someone help me please

redhed35 · Feb 15, 2011, 06:43 AM

Are you keeping busy in your life?

Apart from NC what are you doing to help yourself?

From my own experience getting over one particular relationship took me 2 years, after my marriage ended it took 4 and half years before I even considered thinking about dating again, but that's just me.

It will happen, continue no contact, get busy in your life.

If your finding it difficult to cope talking to a counsellor may help.

BBKittyKat · Feb 17, 2011, 01:13 AM

Yes redhead35, I have been keeping busy. Hence I try not to be online or on this website too often. I think I have been making progress because I can now have fun with other people and I have new goals to look forward to. But I am confused as at the end of the day, I still wish to be with him.