[ladynica]

My boyfriend cheated on me before. I accepted him after that and we love each other. But that affair changed me, my attitude and our relationship. I began to be too clingy. I always had to be reassured about everything that he does. I always bring back his affair whenever we have arguments that I usually start. I wasn't like this. And I want to break up with him because I feel that we are not really going anywhere. But he doesn't want to. But I really feel like we need to. What shall I do?

[pandead]

It's perfectly normal. When your other half cheats, it all comes down to your confidence and self-esteem. You find yourself controlling their every move, being clingy and sad, or mad - and it's all normal.

You don't trust him anymore because you have no reason to, he cheated on you and now he wants to continue the relationship. And you know you bring it up because it still hurts.

Some couples can take it, some can't. If you want to work on the relationship, give it a little time, you may consider counseling also. If not, you're right, this is not going anywhere.

If you want my opinion... I'm a firm believer of "once a cheater always a cheater." I'd hope he learns from this experience, find someone who cares enough about me to stay away from other women and let him go. There's no reason to stay with someone just because they "don't want to break up." You already feel like it's not going anywhere, why would you lose your time with a cheater?

[Jake2008]

It is because of his actions, that you feel and act the way you do. Had he been faithful, you would not be in a position to just 'live with it', as though you were no more affected than had he forgot to pay the light bill.

While the affair might be over for him, it is not over for you. He breeched the relationship by choosing to have an affair. He lied, he cheated, he put a wedge between you that affected your trust in him. Trusting him again, is not without consequences- to him- and to you.

Other than words, what has he done to change himself. Or, what have you seen about him, that gives you the impression that you can trust him again.

It is not something that one person does to another, and just because the truth of the affair came out, makes it suddenly okay, and everything is back to normal.

It is not back to normal for you. Some who cheat are very capable of turning their lives around, making a solid commitment, accepting the consequences of their actions. Some who cheat are completely remorseful, genuinely upset at having hurt their partner so deeply, and accept total responsibility for their actions. A one time affair, that was clearly a mistake in what is normally a person of good judgment and character, is a different animal than what is usually, in my opinion, the norm.

The norm being that once the affair is admitted to, and out in the open, there is nothing sincere in their words, behaviour, actions, or understanding of what they have done. You are expected to just 'get over it', and THEY become resentful of YOU, because you just won't let something so inconsequential just go. They feel that because they have come clean, that is the long and short of it, and fail to grasp, or act upon, the consequences to their partner, of their actions.

If a robber planned and plotted to rob the bank, carried out the robbery, got caught, and confessed, do you think the police would consider the matter over, just because they were able to retrieve the money that he stole?

So if you are in a position with your partner, where you have every reason to believe that he is sincere in being committed to change, then the two of you, together, have to work through putting an end to it. No more bringing it up during arguments, no more checking where he goes and who he's with. You should feel confident that you can trust him.

If, like many others who have faced this situation, you are not convinced that he is understanding the depth of his actions, and you are not confident that he ever will, and if you do not see that he has a grip on why this has affected you so deeply, then you are not in a position to trust him fully again.

And that is not a fault. It is just a decision you have to make based on reality, not emotion.

[ken007nielsen]

Cut your ties and run. There's no trust there anymore, and I'm betting your in a world of hurt in your current situation.

I would always advice strongly against being with a cheater.

[talaniman]

You want to leave him alone, do so, and it no longer matters what he wants.