[cathlarson72]

I have been dating this guy for 1 month now. He's 39 and I'm 34. We get along soooo fine, we are very compatible, we talk about everything. He still lives with his "ex" girlfriend. He said they already broke up but he cannot just throw her out of the house (they've been together for 12 yrs and her -- not his -- kids live with them), and the house is in his name (he's still paying mortgage). He's trying to get rid of the house through a lawyer, and he said his ex girlfriend talked about moving back to the state where her family is. He is a truck driver so sometimes it is hard for us to meet in a regular basis, but we try at least once a week to see each other. I can really feel he is falling more and more in love with me... not only does he tell me many times a day, but I can just FEEL it, by the way he treats me, touches me, talks to me. I know he's not faking it. But all this waiting period for him to sort his life out is killing me. Sometimes I think "is he playing me?". But then after the wonderful moments we've been having together, I feel he really loves me. He texts and calls me many times a day saying he loves me, we stay on the phone for 2 hours at a time sometimes. He tells me he's not playing me... he says he just needs time to sort things out with her and about the house. So am I exaggerating thinking he's playing me, or do these things really take time to solve? Thank you so much!

[ken007nielsen]

Well from what you told he seems genuine, and if I had been in a relationship with someone for 12 years, I wouldent just kick them out. Purely out of respect for what we had not to mention there's kids included also, but it is a dangerous situation.

But keep in mind, your getting along VERY well :) I would stop worrying

[Jake2008]

Simple answer is, you should not be dating a man, who is living with another woman, and children, in a shared house, who are continuing to have a long term relationship together.

Think about it. You've been dating him for 30 days, she's been with him for 12 years! He's helped raise her children, they all share a life together, and continue to share a life together. You ARE the other woman.

While he professes love to you (after a month?), he goes home to her, and their house, and they continue to live together, as a family.

What kind of man would treat a woman this way; have an affair, while he is still very much involved with her.

What kind of woman would date a man who is not available, and believes anything he says. And it doesn't speak too highly of your character in my opinion, to get mixed up with this man, knowing there is another woman in the picture.

I would tell him flat out that until he is single he has no business dating you, and until he is single, YOU have no business dating him.

When he can put his plan to separate, legally, in place with all the problems that will happen as a result of that, including her and her children, or him, moving, dividing assets, etc. you are messing with trouble.

Such a long relationship with her, will take time to recover from. Until he is emotionally, and physically able to be involved with another woman, I would tell him to take a hike and call you when he gets past talking the talk, and actually walks the walk.

You can do much better.

[joypulv]

One little part bothers me.. 'getting rid of his house through a lawyer' makes little sense. You get rid of a house with a real estate agent. Unless you are married and the wife is on the deed... I suppose there could be other reasons, but I can't think of them.

Another little part that bothers me is that you are online asking if we think it's fishy. That in itself suggests to me that YOU really aren't sure.

A long distance trucker can have women in every place they go through.

If you wish to keep thinking he is telling the truth, which he might very well be, I would give yourself a deadline.

[liongal]

@ Jake2008, I could not have put this any better, EXACTLY...

[cathlarson72]

@Jake... it makes sense what you said. I deeply feel this way, but you know the heart... it's tricky. I hate this situation, really. I'm not trying to justify his behavior, but: he hardly ever goes home. He drives in state but he works basically 7 days a week and he usually stays around his terminal, which is close to my house. He lives 2 1/2 hrs from here. I know it will take time for him to sort things out. I am falling for him and you know that feeling that you "believe", deep down, that it's going to work? I know that I came in the wrong time in his life, with all this confusion. So should I just break it up now, what do you think? It will be extremely hard... but... if I have to, I will.

@joypulv... He said he cannot tell me what he's doing about the house, but he said he won't file bankruptcy, or short sale, or foreclosure, or put it for rent... I keep thinking WHAT he's doing about it, with the help of a lawyer. He told me -- I know that sounds very strange -- that he has to "play nice" and "make her happy" until this deal with the lawyer is done about the house. I just don't understand that. It makes absolutely no sense to me. He just said it might take a few months up to 2 yrs to get rid of the house! I don't know, but that's too long to wait! Life goes by too short, and I am concerned. I might be the silliest person in the world to believe people, but I do... maybe I shouldn't be so naïve.

[Jake2008]

I think that you are sensible enough to know that you really have to protect yourself here.

Remember you are hearing only one side of the coin from him. I'm sure the reason for the breakup has more to it that just what he explains. It isn't enough that a new woman in his life will solve all his problems; he has to work through his own problems, and not carry baggage into a new relationship.

To start fresh with someone, when you are really sure that they have taken care of their own business, will be a wonderful thing for you. There is no harm in setting your own expectations and putting some boundaries in place. If I were in your shoes, and could follow my own advice, I would draw the line at sex for starters. Then I would tell him that you want to give him time to take care of his own business because you realize he is not in a position to commit to anyone right now.

Think, if you wish to remain in contact with him, as a friend if you can. Just put enough between you that you have a safety net, and he has the opportunity to step up and take care of his business before any serious commitment will happen with you.

If he thinks you are worth the effort, and shows that he is by more than just words, I would still take it slow, and be prepared for a rough ride. Anybody recovering from a long term relationship needs time whether they realize it or not. Better for him to be really available, than you accepting a man who is not yet firmly on his own two feet.

I know it's not easy. Keep in mind too that you don't have to necessarily understand the reasons for anything he does, including the questions you have about what he's doing with his house. That, for now, is strictly his business, between him and his partner. He should not be involving you.

In a perfect world it would be wise for you to keep a good distance, not be always available, and when you are, no intimacy, and don't involve yourself in his business. He has to take care of his own business before I would consider him to be serious about taking on more than he is faced with now.

Until you know this guy better, it is never a good idea to be 'the other woman', no matter how honourable you believe him to be.

[vanheart]

So much for jumping into things..

What? Hes living with his ex & kids. Geez.

Let him sort out his past. He isn't ready. Or you for the sound of things.

You don't want to be with a guy like that. Do you? Be #2.

This is trouble with a capital T.

Only a month. Don't make it any more.

[talaniman]

I have to tell you that no matter how well tings are when you are together its only been a month and there are just to many red flags to ignore.

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule - Never ever get to close to a person that has a committed partner in their lives.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule- When you see a brick wall, don't go head first into it, and expect to get on the other side.

Talaniman Rule-Never put all your eggs in a stranger’s basket. Save some for your own basket.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

Talaniman Rule- Never run head first into the unknown, there may be a brick wall behind the curtain.

Talaniman Rule- Never run full speed, head first, into a brick wall, go slowly and see if their is a door, ladder or rope, to get thru, or over it.

Talaniman Rule #2- Never doubt your head, is not as hard as that brick wall.

[vanheart]

Hold on, let me copy that list.

[cathlarson72]

Thank you guys! A lot of good comments here to help me out.
I appreciated Talanima's rules. It makes a lot of sense. Not to rush into anything. It's wise.
Yeah, the lawyer thing is very weird. According to him (and 2 other friends said the same thing), the house is in his name only. They are NOT married. I don't think her name is on the deed. It could be, but I'm not sure.
Anyway, thank you guys. He is still texting me "I love you", "Miss you"... but I'm more cautious now about that. The heart says YES but the mind says NO. I must have the strength to say NO.