[lcrichards]

My husband and I have been married a little over 2 years. He has been completely faithful to me until recently. About 2 weeks before Christmas he started talking to this other woman and became good friends with her. He did not however tell me about their friendship. I found out about their friendship on our December phone bill where I discovered 1900 text messages to and from a number I did not know. He told me about his new female friend and said it was nothing to worry about. He has just recently gone back to school and she is in his class with him so he told me they just study with each other. Even with him telling me this I was a little worried so I decided to start checking up on him online on our phone bill. I also did some snooping and found some texts talking about our relationship including our somewhat lack of a sex life. I thought our sex life was just fine since we were having sex a couple times a week but apparently he was not happy with it. I was also being nosy and got onto his Facebook account and found an exchange of some very sexual messages. When I confronted him about it he told me that he did cheat on me with this woman. He told me that they had sex one time a few days before Christmas but have not done anything besides talk since. He has agreed to stop talking to her to save our marriage and I have forgiven him.

My issue is I can not start trusting him again. I have been checking the phone bill, his email, and Facebook probably 15 times per day. I feel like I have an obsession with checking up with him. Is it wrong of me to do this? I have told my husband that I have been checking up on him and he really doesn't like it but I am honest about it. Should I be doing this or do I need to stop

[redhed35]

The checking has come because of his cheating, he broke your trust.

Has the reason for his cheating been cleared up? Did he tell you why?

Forgiving is good, except if that was really true you would not feel the need to check,trying to forgive is a great start, but the undercurrent of his deceit needs to be aired in a safe place where you can both question and answer comfortably, the place for this is counselling.

You need tools to cope and move forward,otherwise the checking will drive you crazy.

If you both want to save your marriage counselling is a good place to start.

[DoulaLC]

This is a tough situation to be in and I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling.

While snooping is also a breach of trust, obviously you wouldn't have found out what was going on if you hadn't.

It is going to take time, probably a good deal of time, and much openness and communication between the two of you. It is not something that can be forgotten about and swept under the rug. Not dealing with it, is not an option.

There is a line, however, between how much you talk about it, and beating it to death. He needs to understand that you are going to be suspicious for a time, it is perfectly understandable. He also needs to realize that it is up to him to work with you to help you overcome those concerns. If it means he either gets rid of Facebook or allows you access, so be it. You may consider a joint one that you both use instead of individual ones for example.

You need to realize, and this is a hard one, that loving him and wanting to rebuild the trust means that you will have to take some chances by allowing him to show you that he means what he says. Will you still check? No doubt you will, but as you become more confident that the two of you are headed in the right direction, the need for it will become less and less.

With time, and reassurance on his part, you can move passed it. You will feel less of a need to check up on him. His actions of commitment are what will do that for you. If you find, that with some time, it doesn't get easier for you, you may want to consider marriage counseling or at least counseling for yourself to help you gain additional tools at moving forward.

[talaniman]

I would keep a close watch on him too, to be honest, as he cheats instead of talks to you his wife. That's a crock of crap, and you need to get confidence back that his actions, and words match, and he darn better do his level best to show you that, or trust will never be the same again.

I think counseling for you both is a great idea, and if he doesn't go, its still a good idea for you. But if he isn't willing to do whatever it takes to put things right, then sorry, this may not work out that great. Ask him, see what he says, and then you do what you have to for yourself.

[lcrichards]

He just gets upset because he knows I do not trust him and he doesn't like that. I have tried explaining that I will not be able to trust him again until he earns my trust back. It is just hard because when I do snoop he gets mad at me so I decide to do it without telling him and then I feel guilty about it. I just feel like I can not win.

[redhed35]

There's no winning or losing here its ALL team work, or at least it should be.

Your both on separate pages when you need to be working on the same plan for recovery.

No point in him saying sorry and end of story, there is damage here,and it needs to be dealt with.

You both need tools to get through this, and a counsellor can help you both.

[excon]

My issue is I can not start trusting him again.

Hello l:

Nor will you ever.

excon