[kimian]

I have been in a relationship for five years with this guy, I find out that he was cheating I break it off it been two years I even get married and I still can't find closure I love this guy like crazy I wonder if I am out of my mind. I don't know if it was when I break it off I still was in love and hurt. I start to call him I see him now and then he keep telling me that he don't want to settle but he still see me when ever he can,when he call me I gald to go see him he tell me he love me he gives he comfort or so I think I want to no if am living in denial,I try my best to get over him and I can't I just need someone to tell me if I am just too foolish to can't see the light. I am still young in my 20ts, my married life is not complete I don't no if that the reason I keep going back to him but I really want to get over him can someone please!tell me what I can do I need your advise!! Thanks in advance

[Jake2008]

I don't know what you mean by 'closure'. It seems you want closure with benefits. As long as you keep seeing this guy, you are cheating on your husband, and maintaining a relationship with your 'ex'.

The truth is, we can't always get what we want. What is it about your ex that you don't get. He tells you he does not want to settle down, you allow yourself to make the choice to be used by him, on his terms, and he clearly sees no future with you.

What do you think marriage is. You can't blame seeing another man continuously, behind your husband's back, with the lame excuse that it is because your marriage is not 'complete'. Don't paint this picture as somehow having to do with the lack of your needs being met in your marriage, to justify seeing another man that you cannot somehow get over.

If you have problems in your marriage, then work on your marriage. Spend the 'boyfriend' time looking instead to your husband for some communication. Set time aside with your husband, and give him the opportunity to address that which you find as so bad, that you have to have another man in the picture.

You can't have it both ways. You justify seeing your ex as somehow a result of your marriage not working. That is not how committed people solve problems. I would bet your husband hasn't got a clue what you're up to, or how you feel. And why is that? Because it has nothing to do with him, it has everything to do with you not putting on your big girl pants, dumping the ex, and working on your marriage.

If you want 'closure' which is a nice way of saying you want your cake and eat it too in your case, stop justifying an affair. Stop seeing the ex, stop looking for answers with the ex that you know you will never get, sever ties with him, and see if you can't salvage your marriage. The only reason, in my opinion, that you don't do this, is because you simply don't want to.

[kimian]

I appreciate your comment is not like I want to cheat its just that I can't get over him I still love him and I don't no why! When I said closure I mean I just want to stop thinking about him, I will talk it through with my husband .thanks for your advise

[Jake2008]

Kimina,

It is not unusual when problems happen, to look for a temporary reprieve, or a little escape, to alleviate the stress caused by a problem, or problems.

I don't think too many of us can say that we haven't allowed ourselves the luxury of drifting into the past, and remembering the good things about a past love. The reality though, is it is just a dream. The things that caused the breakup, the bad or nasty stuff, fades with time, and I personally think that it is 'normal' to remember just the good.

But, I also get the impression that you already know what you need to do. If talking to your husband is not easy, or you don't have good communication (maybe that is one of the main problems), then seek counselling to learn how to learn to better communicate. It seems maybe trite to say that, but, sometimes a third party with no vested interest that can mediate and teach you how to acknowledge problems, and find solutions works. A small investment of time in therapy, can give you a whole new outlook.

Best of luck to you.

[answerme_tender]

Kimian,

Well the reason you broke up with your ex no longer matters now does it, because you are now no better then he is--you are both cheaters!!

The reason your marriage is not complete is because you never gave it your all. You used your husband as a rebound from your ex. Now you wondering why its not working out--hmm well could it be the sneaking behind your husband back, could it be that you are in love with a man who will have sex with you and tell he loves you, but its obvious he doesn't give a rats about you outside his bed!! You are just a piece of cheese that this rats is out to get, but beware not all rats get caught by the trap, they usually get the cheese and then move on to the next piece!!

Bottom line is that if your not willing to be your whole being into your marriage, then at least be a decent enough person to stop being a whore behind your husbands back. Divorce him and then you can mess around with the ex all you want without hurting anyone else.

I know this sounds harsh to you Kim, but listen you are a grown adult woman, who yourself know have devastating it is to be cheated on by the person you love. But then you turn right back around and break you marriage vows for same creep that broke your heart. You of all people should understand what you are doing is beyond wrong. We all understand the pull that our ex's have on us IF we chose to not heal from the initial break. Its time to at least make a choice here.

Take care

[kimian]

Thank you very much jake I put my story just to hear what someone else think and what you said mean a lot to me thank you very,very much I will put the pass behind me seeks counseling that's I could make my marriage work!

[Fr_Chuck]

You end it, you stop any contact and start counseling with your husband. If you still loved him, you should not have gotten married to start with to someone else till you were over it, but now, you don't call, you don't email, you don't look at their Facebook and so on.

[kimian]

I thought I was over him ,I try the no contact thing before that why I having the problem now my mind still keep going back, but I make my mind up I am going to do the counseling and focus on my husband. Thanks for the encouragement its means a lot!