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bholmes4 · Feb 2, 2011, 04:42 PM

My fiancé gets really irritated with me and usually makes a snide comment when I ask her something she thinks I should know. Often she will snap back with "I am not answering that", "Are you serious?", huff, shake her head and roll her eyes. This is not done in a playful manner either and usually results in me "biting" and snapping back.

Example:
Yesterday I misinterpreted an email she sent that implied (to me) that the bank had called. Instead she meant it as a reminder to call them, as we had discussed a few days earlier. When I asked if the bank left a number to call she huffed loudly, and then rudely told me "We talked about this!" and stormed off causing a fight to ensue.

Obviously she feels I don't pay enough attention to the things she says and I can work on that, but this is unlike anything I have experienced in a relationship before. Nothing seems to work: arguing back causes her to lay off for a day or two but then goes right back to it and asking her to be kinder (the topic is a bit sensitive as my grandfather just passed from Alzheimer's and it's a big fear of mine that I will get it) doesn't seem to work at all. Stress from the wedding-planning may be a contributing factor but this was an issue even before then (it's just worse now).

Any help would be much appreciated. I tend to get REALLY, REALLY down about this issue as I feel like I am being attacked and am almost afraid to ask questions now. My mind does wander a bit, I know and can work on that, but this is the way I have always been and no one has had a major issue with it before. It's not like I am an air-head, more of a "dreamer".

I'm even starting to wonder if her behaviour is a symptom of something? ADD perhaps? She can be so nice one moment and then almost vicious for an instant (which quickly passes or I wouldn't be with her). She has a low attention span and is easily irritated by minor things.

JudyKayTee · Feb 2, 2011, 04:55 PM

Has she always behaved like this?

Sounds like she is less than supportive of you.

If you think her behavior is a symptom of another problem one or both of you needs counselling. (I'd go anyway, personally. How are you going to live with this for the rest of your life?)

talaniman · Feb 2, 2011, 08:36 PM

How olds are you both, and how long have you been together??

bholmes4 · Feb 2, 2011, 10:19 PM

I am 35, she is 27.

I am likely making things seem somewhat worse than they are because it was so fresh. I really don't know what else to try though. I love her but I hate feeling like if I ask the wrong question I will get attacked. Really she doesn't do a lot of things I can't handle but this is one!

answerme_tender · Feb 3, 2011, 10:24 AM

I agree with Judy's question--Is this something you want to live with rest of your life? You wouldn't be the first and you certainly won't be the last to go into a marriage thinking that the love you have for a person will change them. That just doesn't happen. If they are verbally nasty before, they will be just as nasty after in fact it usually gets worse!!

If you are afraid to ask a question at this stage in the game, what do you think will happen after the wedding, and after children come---you might as well cut them off yourself and hand them over to her now!!

I also agree that you might want to get some counseling BEFORE you proceed any further with the wedding!!

Take care

talaniman · Feb 3, 2011, 11:53 AM

I don't know how long you have been together but, sometimes young couple make the mistake of misreading their partners, and take their tone a bit too personally. That does distract us from seeing things properly, simply because what we take from their words is filtered by our own feelings. It takes a long time to teach each other, or even get a grasp of understanding how each other communicates.

I remember back in the day being so irritated by the sarcastic ways of a g/f that I never knew what she was talking about, and always took it that she was talking about me. That didn't work to well, but we were young.

You are not, and can back up regroup your feelings, and find out what she means, and what she is talking about, and learn.

Generally, it takes a while to speak the same language, and it will define how you proceed, that's why I wanted to know how long you have been together, and how long you dated, before you decided to be engaged, and set a date.