[trixter]

I have a best friend whom I can share with any topic under the sun. We really jive well. But she annoys me most of the time when she seems to let me problematize her problems which are really minor. For example, she said that she still doesn't have a prom date. I recommended some of my guy friends. But still she said, 'other choices'. Also, when I tell her of things like schedules. I said for example we have a HW due tomorrow. I said that in school. She then says, 'can you remind me later, text me'. So I'm like saying to myself, 'am I your secretary? I also have other things to do. I'm also a student.' What should I do? She doesn't even reflect about herself. Although I also feel guilty when I scold her about these. I only want her to change for the better, you know.

[Jake2008]

This is a good example of what happens when friendships don't have respectful boundaries.

She has become very dependent upon you to the point where, as you say, she needs you to keep her life organized right down to a reminder to get her homework done.

As long as you accept the role of 'secretary' she will continue to use you as one. I wouldn't remind her of anything, and if she gets angry that you didn't remind her, tell her it's up to her to organize her school work, not you.

And the same sort of thinking goes along with the petty issues that bother you. You accept her minor problems as your own, and set about helping her to solve them. If she asks you about prom for example, and you have a few guys in mind, and she rejects the suggestions, simply tell her she's on her own. You are not obligated to help her beyond what you feel comfortable with, but by allowing yourself to give too much, she has come to expect it.

And when there is such an imbalance in a friendship, where one gives too much, and the other gives too little and expects too much, that builds resentment, and eventually the relationship ends. It would be a shame if she cannot accept simple boundaries and understand that her relying on you so much for simple things, is wearing you out.

Have another talk to her, and explain what you have written here, and tell her that things have to change. Ask her to try to understand that while you value her as a friend, she needs to rely on herself more, and you less, and give her examples. And you have to follow through with being strong enough to let her know when she's crossing that line again, and stick to your resolve to tell her that she needs to figure things out for herself.

[AbovenBeyond]

Like Jake2008 said, you've been her secretary for a long time I'm guessing? She's used to it, but it's up to you to change that.

[Wondergirl]

I'm betting she's fully aware of what she's doing to you -- pushing, pushing, pushing you for ideas and solutions until you're exhausted. She's like the little child who asks Mommy a question, Mommy answers, and the little child asks again, "Why?" This can continue indefinitely unless Mommy stops with her first answer or two and sets boundaries if the child continues to "push."

Answer her question as you did regarding a prom date, and then move on to something else or walk away.