[Synnen]

. I know at times keeping it may not be the right thing at times but i was raise u made ure bed now u gotta lay in it. how ever if i am and who ever is the father i will no let them get off that easly i will fight this. and now i know what i must do. it just sucks the men have to be like this. so what if he fails to pay for childsuport or show up for a DNA Test what would happend then

Okay--I'll apologize now for the NON-LEGAL nature of the following advice.

PLEASE talk to a counselor about this!

If you think that giving your child to someone else to raise and walking away is EASY, and isn't "taking responsibility" or whatever else, you REALLY have no clue about adoption. The attitude of "you made your bed, now lie on it" meaning that you have to KEEP the child is completely wrong--and VERY selfish. Frankly, I see young women who do NOT explore all of their options to be JUST as selfish and "like this" as the men whose first reaction is to not want to parent at this point in their life. Why is it okay for YOU to decide that HE is ready to be a parent when you haven't even examined whether it is in your CHILD'S best interest that YOU should be a parent right now?'

Every woman has to make her own choice in a situation like this, but frankly it drives me crazy that most of them don't actually do any research on the subject of what is best for their child before deciding that being a single parent with a reluctant father who will probably do everything he can to get out of child support and mental/emotional support of the child--which means that yet another kid is scarred by an absent parent.

You're being JUST as selfish as the father at this point if you don't even LOOK into all of your options. His selfishness is putting himself before the needs of a child because he does not WANT to be a parent. YOUR selfishness is putting yourself before the needs of your child because you DO want to be a parent.

In the end, it's your choice, and you have to live with your choice. But don't completely demean him for being selfish about his wishes regarding the child before really examining your own reasons for choosing to parent, and whether you were thinking about YOURSELF first, or the CHILD first when you made that choice.

[Xeosx09]

Synnen- I have considered adoption if I am pregent and I have even consider abortion but in the end I have to think wat's best for my child(not myself) as I sat and thought of other situations how it can effect a child being adopted not knowing their true parent's it came be damgeing as well when I have other kids as well. I have also check out open adption as well. But again I think in the end I'm going to raise it, I have amazing support systems(friends and family). I really trying not to be selfish and just trying to do what's right. I believe in my heart if I give this up I know I'm going to regret it. I know I can not make the father being into the child life but I can do what ever I can to make him pay


FR- chuck- thank you for the info, I know they can try that because my friend went through it with her baby daddy, but I will fight for my child and do what's right. I know I can't make him see onlu pay


Judykaytee- I have found everything helpful in everything every one has said in this and I am thankful for coming to this site and coming cross nice people like you guys. I now understand the how child support and right's and dna stuff. All this stuff is so stressfull and just under a lot of stress. And as for the punishment I don't know if that has to do with it, I was brought up with the old saying every action as a re action. So that's what I am doing is steping up I maybe be only 19 but honestly I'm want this child if I am pregnant, and I want nothing but the best for the child. That's whyt I can't see myself giving it up and having them going up with out knowing their real parents not only that its my parents, I know they will fight me with adoption, I have thought about it real hard, I looked into things but in the end I think this is right for me and my child. I'm hoping maybe who ever the father will step up and we can keep it out court. It feels like all the blame on me, like oh well you can't just make him pay or you know he wants nothing to do with it, I know I am just as much fault as them. But you know, I can't thank u guys enough for you advice(even if it wasn't what I want to hear) it meant a lot. I will deffelly keep in touch and judykaytee if you have a email I can email you wats on going on and keep you all updated

[JudyKayTee]

We are not allowed to exchange email addresses (unfortunately, because I really am concerned and interested in what you decide to do). I don't necessarily agree that an adopted child grows up wondering who/what/why (you know what I mean) but the decision on what to do (and how to do it) is certainly yours. You are thinking things over and it sounds like you have some time to put your thoughts in order.

I don't know whether it's in the child's best interest (or yours) to be adopted or raised by you. Only you know that. I know you want what is best for the child and that is why you are somewhat conflicted in your decision.

Yes - please keep me informed, even if it's just a word or two. If you have any problems with the legal system, ask away!

And thank you for the kind words - a lot of people never come back at all and to be thanked is just great (and keeps me posting).

Please - keep me updated.

[Xeosx09]

Judykaytee- It's okay and it's understanable that you can't give out email adreeses, how ever I will deffently keep in touch and keep you updated with everything that comes along. For the kind wors its not a problem, the advice helped me out and at least I can say is thank you.(now day's a simple thank you can go along ways) I do actually have and updated I actually just got off the phone with one of the pos father(the one who wanted to sign over rights) I guess he had a changed of heart because he said that he may not beable to always help (pay for the child) because he says he's livng out of his truck cause hs parents kicked him out) but he will be there if hees the father and if I am pregnant, But I'm still keeping a gard up and do what I need to do.

[ScottGem]

Synnen- I have considerd adoption if i am pregent and i have even consider abortion but in the end i have to think wat's best for my child(not myself) as i sat and thought of other situations how it can effect a child being adopted not knowin their true parent's it came be damgeing as well when i have other kids as well. I have also check out open adption as well. but again i think in the end i'm going to raise it, i have amazing support systems(friends and family). I really trying not to be selfish and just trying to do what's right. i believe in my heart if i give this up i know im going to regret it. i know i can not make the father being into the child life but i can do what ever i can to make him pay

I think you missed some of what Synnen was trying to tell you. When you say things like; " it can effect a child being adopted not knowin their true parent's it came be damgeing" and "i can do what ever i can to make him (the father) pay" it shows that you don't really have much a clue what you are getting yourself in for. May I remind you that this started asking questions that showed a total lack of understanding of paternity issues.

What Synnen was telling you was to get professional counseling to help you understand and deal with the issues you face. If, after getting such counseling you decide to raise the child, fine. At least you will have made an educated decision. Right now it appears to me you are making a decision based on fallacies, emotions and lack of knowledge.

And yes, please do keep us posted by adding to this thread from time to time.

[smoothy]

Good luck in whatever you decide to do... I hope you got a lot of information from the other threads I asked you to check out.

True... many times we go seeking advice hoping to confirm what we want to do, but many times we find out the advice is something we didn't want to hear but had to. It was true when we were little kids... and it will be true in our old age. And a wise person won't ignore something they don't want to hear... but instead take the advice close to heart when they work on their decision.

[Synnen]

Thank you, Scott.

Xeosx, I'm a birthmother. The way you talk about adoption tells me that you have not TRULY looked into it, because you talk about things that just aren't true--like not knowing biological parents, or that being raised by parents other than biological parents would be more damaging psychologically than having a deadbeat father and a single mother. ALL kids have issues stemming from their parents--it has nothing to do with whether their adopted, but with whether their parents are mature enough to not involve their kids in their issues.

I chose adoption for my child 18 years ago. I have an open adoption, and get regular updates on my child. Frankly, she's a LOT better adjusted than she would have been if I'd raised her--because she KNOWS who her biological parents are, and has regular communications with us. But raising her with no money, and a father who was not going to stick around, even with a great support system--I would have been a TERRIBLE mother then. And my child wouldn't have gotten all the things she needed and deserved to have, because regardless the support system, she would have had two parents that fought all the time and one of those parents wouldn't have been around through the tough crap. My parents fought me, too, on adoption.

I'm not telling you to choose adoption. I'm telling you to please, please, PLEASE see a counselor regarding ALL of your options! Lutheran Social Services is who I dealt with, but Planned Parenthood has counselors that can help you, too, as do other places that kind of vary by location. These people are trained to help YOU make an informed decision. And they're people who have dealt with the fallout from every choice--because you'll have regrets no matter what you choose--and help you understand the consequences of EVERY choice.

Choosing adoption was the hardest thing I ever did. It was the right choice for me, and for my daughter, but it was HARD.

I just want you to please talk to someone who is completely neutral to help YOU decide, with all the information, what is best for you and your child. YOUR choice, not theirs.

[Fr_Chuck]

And I am adopted, I am sure it was a hard choice my birth parents made many years ago. It made me who I am. In fact I most likely had a better life, but who knows.

The only real difference is adopted children have a society telling them they are "missing" something, and I have never seen that to be a fact.

[Xeosx09]

Thank you for the information of the conusler and I do plan to make a call to them so I can talk to some one with this, from thinnking I have a different opionon about adoption. All I want is what is best for the child. I have mixed emotions about everything. Its just really hard and difficult choice that I'm going to have to make. And synne again thank you for the info and I'm sorry if I came across with a attitude (not my intentions) I have check out a program my friend told me about.

[Synnen]

Honey, I know how confused you are right now--I've been there, right?

That's why I really want you to get help from someone who understands what's happening with you and who can help you understand your options so YOU can make the choice.

I am sure your emotions are everywhere right now, and it's hard to think, and everyone is throwing their opinion at you as the RIGHT opinion.

The only opinion I have about what you should do with your pregnancy is that you should see a qualified counselor so that you have someone to help you, someone on your side without their own agenda.

[Xeosx09]

Yeah I am very emotional right now and my mind is like a roller coster right now, I have made that call to talk with some one and I go and see them Thursday, again thank you all for your advice

[JudyKayTee]

Let us know how you are doing - talking to someone is a very good idea. Sounds like you are getting things under control and are less panicky.

[Xeosx09]

Judykaytee, after talking with some one it help me out a lot and its helping make my choice if I am, Wednesday I get my bloodtest results back. I'm still very emontional and in pain having side pain and back pain. But I'm trying to do all the right things. I'll keep you guys posted

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks for the update - I'm thinking about you and I'll be waiting to hear what you learn.