[bobthebehr]

I have been with a wonderful man for 4 1/2 years now. We've talked real commitment (aka marriage) but both of us have shyed away from it claiming we're not ready, because we're not. We get along wonderfully, he's my best friend in some senses. We think very simarly too, almost having the same thoughts at the same time. At first this was a sign to me that maybe we belonged together. Don't get me wrong here we have our problems too. He doesn't trust me because I've told him that I've cheated on every one of my previous boyfriends. And I have a lot of male friends. I don't really get along with a lot of girls. He's been violent only once or twice in the past and the last incident was almost two years ago. But now he feels like he can yell at me freely and call me names, both of which I've told him I won't put up with in long run. I don't tolerate either, which is why we end up in fights most of the time. When we do fight, which is about once a week. Our only real problems seems to be communication and romance. I would like to tell him everything but I'm araid of judgement or that he won't like all of what he hears, because he probably won't. And the only way romance exists in his farmer brain is if I put it there. And I'm tired of making all the effort. And lately I've been contemplating what I've wanted for myself for the future and is that measures up to where I am now. I kind of feel like I've been spining my wheels and staying in one place. I want travel, schooling, and success. I want to go back to university and finish my degrees. I want to write my novels and work with under priviledged children. And being with my boyfriend doesn't quite seem to fit into those dreams I have. He was born in a farming family in the community we were both raised in. He wants to live and die where we were raised, where we live now even. And while I want to raise a family here because the community and schools are amazing, and I loved growing up here, I want to live in another state, town, any where but here. I feel need more wordly experiences. So I kind of feel like I'm torn between two dreams. Amazing family life just how I had pictured it or my big big dreams. What I would hate is to take the risk, leave him and fail miserably (because lets face it my dreams are a little far fetched)and regret leaving him. Because he really is an amazing person and we could have a wonderful life together. I'm trying weigh what I would regret more leaving him and having to come back to this valley a failure and watch him with whomever he has moved on with, or watching my dreams faded to dust (and that's only with the hope that new ones may appear). I need a third party perspective, because or friends and family all love us together (with the exception of his grandparents) and every one I ask is biased. HELP PLEASE... we're getting to the point where it's **** or get off the pot and I need to make this decision before a real commiment is made at least in his mind..

[talaniman]

You have been with your boyfriend for 4 and a half years, and not committed, you have had dreams, and not pursued them.

How old are you, and what HAVE you been doing in all this time??

[bobthebehr]

25 and I've been working and going to community college... Sorry found the comment button kind of new to this, but I've been working with animals and going to community college part time just kind of feel like I'm spinning my wheels

[Just Looking]

You are still young at 25. There is time to pursue your dreams and settle down into family life in the future. Is he your age? If he is older, he may want to start a family sooner than you are ready.

You want to experience the bigger city life. Have you thought about getting your Bachelor's at a college in a bigger city? You may find that you don't like it, or you may find that it's what you want. Are there other circumstances that would prevent you from going to a university - for example, the cost, your grades, entrance exams? Have you done any research on universities?

You have been with him since you were 20-21. I take it that you haven't cheated on him. A lot of people make mistakes when they are younger. He should get past that and trust you, or you have a serious problem in your relationship. When you say you would like to tell him everything, what are you referring to exactly? If you mean everything about your past, I think this is a mistake. He doesn't need to know about your past, only what affects him, your present, and your future. If you mean you can't tell him your dreams, again that is a serious problem. At 25, it's very normal and healthy to have dreams. This is the time in your life to pursue them.

I don't see where your dreams are far-fetched. You could go to a larger city for university and see how you like it. Do you have a major in mind? Does it fit in with your working with children or writing? Stop thinking in terms of failure. You are exploring, and that is what you do at your age. If you find you aren't happy or your dream is not what you want in reality, you reassess and come up with a new plan. That is not failure. It would be a learning event.

Finally, you can't live your life based on what your family and friends want. This is something you need to decide and discuss with your boyfriend. Communication is one of the most important things in marriage. His feeling that he can yell at you and call you names is a sign of disrespect. It sounds like you think he is holding you back from your dreams. What you are talking about is taking a risk, but if you want self-realization you may need to take that risk.

[Homegirl 50]

You fight once a week, he yells at you and calls you names because he feels like he can, you have been together love 4 years and you don't sound happy to me.
I say go pursue your dreams. You and this guy may be friends but I don't think you are a match.

[bobthebehr]

Thank you so much needed another point of view... and no I haven't cheated on him... I'm trying to get past that because I've hurt so many in the past. And I agree with you I should / need to take that risk

[talaniman]

Take a risk, and do what you really want to do, and you already have a good start, so go for it.

[bobthebehr]

Oh yes I think that maybe the hardest part of this whole thing I've been accepted into the unversity I chose and it all fits but him... which hurts but I guess I don't really want to hurt myself for many years before I come to the same conclusion..

[Just Looking]

That's great that you have been accepted into the university of your choice.

To me, one sign of a good relationship is being supportive of each other's dreams. I have a story to tell you about one of my best friends. He and his girlfriend had known each other for almost 5 years and had been dating seriously for 2 years, but she had a dream of getting a Master's degree in screenwriting. It's a very competitive field, so she wasn't accepted into the local universities - the best in the country for that field. However she was accepted into a prestigious university 2,000 miles away. He wasn't happy at first and wasn't sure what that meant for their relationship, but after giving it a lot of thought he decided that she was the woman he wanted to marry and he would support her decision - even when her own family discouraged it because they thought she would lose him. She will be graduating in June, and they are getting married in July. He knew that he could have talked her out of going, but he also knew that this was her dream and she would regret it if she didn't go. I think the way your boyfriend reacts to this will tell you a lot. He can support you and your dreams or he can yell, call you names, or threaten you with a break up. Either way, it will tell you something important about him and your relationship.

However, whatever happens with him, you will be doing what is right for you. You will learn so much from this experience, and part of that is getting to know yourself better. That's something that will benefit you for the rest of your life. I think you know what you want to do. Don't be afraid to take the risk. You are right that you would be hurting yourself if you don't take advantage of this opportunity only to discover in the future that it was what you really wanted to do.