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maddiera5 · Dec 18, 2010, 03:19 PM

We have asked our three sons to have christmas day every other year. Our daughter-in-laws only want to make3 a brief visit on Christmas and speed most of the day with their familys every year. I am not used to this as I was not brought up like this. My family took turns with holidays or brought familys together where they could. I have decided to have a our family get together on another day during the Christmas season but I find this highly selfesh on their part and I am really hurt by this. What happened to the good old days??

joypulv · Dec 18, 2010, 05:23 PM

Are you as close by as their families are? Are there small children? What are your sons saying? (I'm wondering what the odds are of all 3 DILs being exactly the same, rather than the sons letting their wives handle it for them.) Sure, it hurts, but you can't enforce tradition. Take what you can get, Christmas is a state of mind, not a day.
I would sit down with one son some time next summer and ask if there's something bothering them about you, your house, what. Too much planning and work and organization? Formality? Hovering? Stopping kids from running around the house? Forgive me for saying those things when of course I haven't a clue. But see if you can find out why.
Is there any chance that the brief visit with you is also a brief visit with the DIL's families and most of the day is actually at home?

Fr_Chuck · Dec 18, 2010, 08:33 PM

This is YOUR customs and practice, It does not mean that is theirs and their family may have other opinions.

With most ( opinion) not even getting together because they live 1000's of miles apart, But the odds of 3 separate daughters and their families actually being able to be at your home at the same time for an entire day, is almost not countable, I have 5 boys ( four grown) since the oldest left home, I have never had all 4 grown ones at my home at the same time on any day ever.

quacks1 · Dec 18, 2010, 08:47 PM

No, it is not MY custom. It is there custom to be only with their families and every one of their brothers and sisters are there unless someone is living out of town and can't come home. Does no one understand?? We get a 1hr.visit!!

quacks1 · Dec 18, 2010, 10:18 PM

I am really Maddiera5 but, I can't find the place to reset my password so... I just registered again.

joypulv · Dec 18, 2010, 10:23 PM

Wait a sec - you just gave Fr_Chuck a negative because he and I asked how close you are to your sons, something you hadn't even mentioned? That is truly unfair. I'm done wanting to be helpful.

J_9 · Dec 18, 2010, 11:21 PM

Let me call your attention to the proper use of the comments feature.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

You did not provide enough information for anyone to formulate and answer. We are not mind readers, nor are we psychic. We are ordinary people who VOLUNTEER our time out to help others.

If you want an informative/accurate response, you are going to have to give us all the details.

quacks1 · Dec 18, 2010, 11:44 PM

A very precise description was given! We asked 2 of our married sons to share Christmas day every other year so both families would have a Christmas day. The girls refuse,their fam is #1. Our sons feel very bad about this . Girls rule. They r nearby

J_9 · Dec 18, 2010, 11:45 PM

The solution is so very easy...

Have your family Christmas on Christmas Eve.

quacks1 · Dec 19, 2010, 12:24 AM

TU J9 4 trying to help!Christ/eve doesn't work as the boys visit their other parents who abandoned them at 3,6,8,&10. Asked the boys Mother to share christmas eve every other year? No was her answer. That leaves us to pick another day in Dec. peace!

quacks1 · Dec 19, 2010, 12:40 AM

Sorry I didn't understand the rules but my hurt and frustration level is bad. Not even sure I know how to use the site correctly. IF you need more information I would be happy to give it to you. As far as I am concerned I will just pick another day in December. Life is not always fair but accepting that is not always easy. My boys happiness is more important than mine. It always has been!

quacks1 · Dec 19, 2010, 01:08 AM

Don't see another answer!

J_9 · Dec 19, 2010, 01:39 AM

You see, there has to be a compromise. If the girls' parents aren't willing, then you be the bigger person.

This is what I do with my sons who are married.

We celebrate our Christmas on New Years Eve. This gives my sons and their wives Christmas to spend with their father and their wives families without the stress of having to be at two or three different places on the same day.

It also stretches out the holidays for the little ones.

Synnen · Dec 19, 2010, 02:37 AM

Oh lord.

When I was growing up, we went to mom's mom's house on Christmas even, then to great gramma's after church. Then xmas morning, we opened presents at our house, went to ANOTHER great gramma's for lunch, then dad's parents. THEN we went to ANOTHER great gramma's for dinner. THEN we went to ANOTHER great gramma's for after dinner drinks (which was EXCELLENT cocoa for kids). We didn't spend more than an hour ANYWHERE.

When you have kids of your own, and a family, it's HARD to schedule Christmas---and frankly, I'd rather spend Christmas with MY mom's family than with my husband's family, because they're more fun, and it's the ONE day a year I get to see my whole family, because we all come back to grandma's from out of state to be together. If I miss that day, I miss seeing aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews that I won't see again for a YEAR.

If your SONS (not their wives--YOU don't bring it up with their wives, you bring it up with your sons. Leave in-laws out of it) won't support you in this, then you have to come up with something else that will work. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

quacks1 · Dec 19, 2010, 09:25 AM

Thank you everyone for your help! Any new ideas let me know.

quacks1 · Dec 23, 2010, 02:27 AM

None of this fits the situation!?

quacks1 · Dec 23, 2010, 02:35 AM

What does MY custom have to do with any thing?? It is common courtesy and common sense to treat your spouses parents as you do your own. They are just as important to him as they are to the women's unless they are the inlaws from hell!!

J_9 · Dec 23, 2010, 05:37 AM

When our family grows and changes, many times it is time to create new traditions for the little ones.

Just food for thought.

adthern · Dec 23, 2010, 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by J_9

You see, there has to be a compromise. If the girls' parents aren't willing, then you be the bigger person.

This is what I do with my sons who are married.

We celebrate our Christmas on New Years Eve. This gives my sons and their wives Christmas to spend with their father and their wives families without the stress of having to be at two or three different places on the same day.

It also stretches out the holidays for the little ones.

My family is half in Vorginia and half in Massachusetts so we celebrate in August, a nice excuse for a vacation and get to see everyone and spend time without hurt feelings.

Just as a note of interest Christmas meaning dec 25th is an artificial date chosen, so if you truly want to celebrate the spirit, NYE works great, the 27th works any day you want...

Synnen · Dec 23, 2010, 11:49 AM

No---see, what I'm seeing here is that YOU will not compromise, and neither will they.

What I'm ALSO seeing is that is YOU refuse to compromise other than "every other year" instead of "every" year.

Based on what little I've seen of you (I obviously do not know you as well as they do), I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time there either, if that's what your idea of compromise is. Have you gone out of your way to welcome THEIR traditions into your house? Or do you expect THEM to conform to YOUR traditions?

Let me tell you, as kids, we HATED going to one gramma's house. She only had food out that adults would like, and she had a house that you couldn't touch ANYTHING in. Roughhousing of any sort (and what kids don't play and run and get silly?) got us yelled at. Presents weren't even much fun, because everyone opened all at once, so there was no anticipation and no fun of watching everyone else open theirs---presents were done in about 5 minutes. And we couldn't even PLAY with them, because eithere there were pieces that could get lost, or it was something we couldn't play with THERE, because there was too much stuff that could get broken.

So... take a look at your traditions. Are they the kind that bore children to tears, and your daughters-in-law take their children to someplace that the kids could have more fun? Are they YOUR traditions, taking no account of THEIR traditions?

TALK to your SONS. Leave the daughters-in-law out of it. ASK why they don't spend more time at your house each year. You may be hurt by the response, but at least you'd know.