[pauloke33]

My wife and I are approaching our 9th wedding anniversay we are both 33, we've been togther for 14 years, and it's all falling to pieces, we have had many years of heart ache and trouble with her family and to be honest my intollance of how they behaved towards her rather than letting her deal with it I would wade in and have a go.

We have had 2 lovely children since we got married they really are great, but we've also had an eptopic and we had a termination last year, due to me worrying about money, and she has a really bad back and I was worried that another pregancy would finnsh it off, the doctor had advised it might not be a good idea, and that frightend me, but I stopped her going to the first appointment, but was worried about it and she then took the discision to go ahead later in the week, I did'nt try and stop her, this is what is ripping us apart now, she also had a child when she was 16 that she had adopted, this has always been a problem for her, which I can understand and knew about with in a week of us meeting and it never bothered me.

In the past few months I have also been very unwell and spent over a month in hospital that was 70miles away, she came every day with out fail to see me, but since I've been home she has told me that she is unhappy and doesn't know what to do about it and the only way she can see it being OK is if we spilt up, now I have been sat here, unable to think of anything else but sorting this out and I have pushed and kept on at her when I should just step back and give her some space. I don't want us to separate I love her dearly and she loves me, I know she does, but she can't seem to see a way out, she says she feels ground down and wrung out by me, I am at a loss, she is loved by every one, and since my near death experience in hospital I have changed a lot and things that bothered me don't any more, but it's too little to late.

Thanks for any advice.

[QLP]

With so many major incidents in your lives I really think it would be good for both of you to work through some of this with a counsellor. It's hardly surpising after you have both been through so much that things have become difficult. You both have individual things to work on and the chance to see if you can get your relationship back on track. I do think some outside help would be a good idea here.

[Devorameira]

Sounds like you've both been through a lot.

Taking a break never seems to solve anything. In order to get to the root of the problems and get everything out in the open, you need to talk and work on the relationship. Since you don't seem to be communicating well, marriage counseling might prove to be a God-send for you.

[Cat1864]

Whether you remain a couple, I think you need to look into marriage counseling and some individual counseling might be an idea for her to work through her feelings on everything that has happened in her life.

Is she willing to give you a chance to show that you are changing? Are you willing to accept that she has gone through changes of her own?

Regardless of what happens, you both need to keep your children in mind. I don't recommend staying together for them, but I do think that working together to keep their lives from totally falling apart might help the two of you find common ground to essentially start over.

[pauloke33]

I strongly believe we can be a couple still, she says she loves me, and wants to be normal, but doesn't know how to get there.

[Cat1864]

If both of you are willing to relearn how to communicate and work together, then you have a starting point.

Look into marriage counseling if it can be very helpful to have a neutral party moderate. There are books on the market that can help give you a place to start in rebuilding.

Remember that it will take time, patience and a lot of hard work. It didn't get to this point overnight so don't think that it can be fixed in one or two days. Have realistic expectations for what progress entails. Expect frustration and moments where everything seems doomed. However, they will pass if both of you are serious about keeping the marriage intact.

Good luck.

[pauloke33]

I have suggusted counseling but she is digging her heels in, and won't even consider it.

[talaniman]

It think if you make your focus on improving yourself, and let your actions, and concerns revolve around your children, and their wellbeing and care, your wife will join you in this project. She is understandably tired from the circumstances she has been through, and needs a light at the end of the tunnel to focus on. That's her motivation, future happiness to look forward too. She wants to see that light and you can guide her to it by your actions. If she doesn't want counseling, why haven't you done so yourself without her??

Few females will follow a man blindly while all they do is talk, and tell them what to do, but produce no results. Lead by example, and put family first, and I bet she will follow. Give her space as I bet every day you get out of bed you see something you can do to make your life better, without her being told see what I am doing, help me. Do it yourself, and let her do what she has to for herself, even with her family.

You have years of history, of doing it your way, now try what I think is a better way, that starts with you and the attitude you have. Let gratitude be your attitude, and appreciation of what you have be your actions. Its not easy, following a clear path is hard freaking work sometimes, but I think your partner will go along if they think you are headed in a GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION, at a reasonable pace.

I think she wants a guy who is happy, and willing to work, and SHARE, who sees the work to be done as a love of labor, and not a chore to ***** about. Wake up, and pay attention fella! The ball is in your hands so run with it!!

[pauloke33]

This is how I want to play it, I am so down at the moment and really trying to pull myself up and be happy but I am struggling, I am still unwell and had news yesterday that all is still not right, but thanks I will try your method.

[talaniman]

I wish you luck my friend, with your health, and your outlook.

[pauloke33]

I have taken the view that paying for a counsellor is the way to go if only to help me, I have booked an appointment and told her I'd be really pleased if she'd come as well, fingers crossed that she does, if not it will help me deal with this.

[QLP]

I think that's a really good decision, working on you and giving her the opportunity to get on board.

Counselling can be hard going at times though worth it in the long run. If you want to pop by to vent please do. Wishing you well, do let us know how it's going.