[J_9]

Carrie, you are going to have to give us some more information about this relationship if you want us to help you.

[Alty]

Altenweg, have you accepted what happened, and been able to move on with a healthy life?

Thanks justcurious! Please bare with my format for this site. I am generally not a computer savvy person. I will def keep posting, it helps me just to talk.

I have accepted it, and I have moved on. I'm a married mother of two wonderful kids, and a wonderful husband. Of course I told him early on what had happened to me, and he's been very supportive, which makes it a lot easier.

I am on anti-depressants, which has also helped. The meds aren't only for the abuse, but also because I lost both my parents within 6 1/2 months of each other in 2001. It was a tough thing to deal with. I'm an only child. Also, no, my parents never knew what had happened to me. I never told. My molester was more teenage cousin. I was 5 when it started. It lasted a few years. She (yes, she) was my babysitter.

There is hope. Counseling helped me a great deal. So did my family. I found the will to go on and leave the past behind me, not allow it to have any more power over me. It doesn't deserve that power. It's my life, and I refuse to let one incident, one blemish on my childhood, be the thing that rules my happiness and my future.

I learned to accept the child I was into my life today. For a long time I wouldn't accept it, her. I didn't want to allow that to be a part of me. Now that I have accepted it, her, I can move on, and I have.

There is hope, and I really do hope that you can find the happiness within, learn to accept what happened, but don't let your past experiences define who you are today. You deserve happiness. You deserve to put this behind you and move forward with your life, no longer dwelling on the past.

[ScottGem]

Carrie, I've merged your threads for you, since this is all wound together it needs to be in one place. Please don't use the Comments feature for follow-up, use the Answer options at the bottom of the thread.

[Just Looking]

The other girl

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband of almost 12 years is walking out the door. Some part of me says stop, the other part says go. I am really in a pickle.Our children are at friends house tonight thank god. I have no idea what to do?

Carrie - Do you have someone you can call to come spend time with you tonight? You could use some support and someone to talk to you in person.

[DeliciousV]

Also Carrie don't let anyone control your emotions. My friend who had the twins that were molested, actually had triplets, but for some reason the triplet was taken by the grandmother at birth,because it was too many children in the house at once. When she killed her husband she only served a short time because it was temporary insanity. He was in her room in the middle of the night in her two year olds bed, penetrating her. She has a son too, that is five and she found out he had also molested the boy. He deserved what he got. The five year old called 911 because he was afraid of the gunshot sound, and the police found him dead on top of the two year old mumbling the words dirty bastard dirty bastard over and over. I was 25 at the time. She was 20. She had her children really young.They are adults now' but the twins seem okay, but the boy has issues. I am just telling you this to tell you that the way you are feeling is normal, trauma is a bad thing to have, when I lived in wheaton , this docter really helped me with the hypnosis thing. It really works. You should try it. It is amazing how many people that I have run across that have seen this doctor, and have used the same technique. I am in Connecticut now. Married 30 years have one child, who is downs syndrome.ADHD and autistic all at once. I didn't have anymore children. Got my tubes tied, but didn't take into consideration that my husband wanted more children, I was afraid I would have another special needs child and disappoint him. His family is is mad at me because they wanted an heir. The Hindu are really really strong on that. Anyway I hope my conversations help you. I have so many people that I know that have molestation stories and it is just terrible. The co-workers daughter was six when hers started but she told her mom at twelve. That fool went to prison and I think someone killed him in prison.

[DeliciousV]

I meant 30 years married. It will be 31 years come jan. 13th. If I could hold on this long, you should just hold on a little longer, but start to livefor yourself.The friend I mentioned that is married that I talk to, we dated in 9th grade, and broke upin 10th, but back then dating was considered carrying someone's books and walking them to class. To this day we have always kept in touch, and still talk. He likes to flirt a lot. We are both 55 and 54 years old now. So its all in fun. Hold on hold on hold on things will get better. Youhave children, just make sure they are not in the middle of this mess. You two will get it together. But you need to find a friend to talk to too. What's good for the goose is good for the gander is an old saying my tiny Italian mother use to say. She cheated on my dad, after he cheated on her. He left us and she raised us as a single mom. My brother is my half brother.. he is irish/italian with red hair. My family is all screwed up My husband is Hindu Indian, so our child is Italian and hindu, and I always say chinese because he has Asian eyes from his downs syndrome . But we only joke about that.

[carriehash]

I know people have asked if suicide is worth it, but is it really. The more I want to do it, the more I am stopped and plagued with the question,will my children every forgive me. Maybe I'm being dillusional from sleep deprevation.God love their souls they have no idea what hornets nest is being stirred up at home. I am sitting here in my bedroom with the door locked not knowing what to do. It is just eating at me knowing that my husband is sitting 30 feet away from me, chatting it up with his online girlfriend. I have no one close to talk too. I'm sorry guys but please just put up with me tonight! I really have to get this off my chest and this website seems to be the only way to do it.

I did send her a email which I heard my husband just blow up too. I'm sorry but I had to tell her like I told my husband how it was. I think I have it bad I guess. I just found out that she is in a serious relationship and has 2 daughters. I doubt her boyfriend has any idea. It's a lose lose situation.

[justcurious55]

Feel free to keep posting here.
And no, suicide is not worth it. Even if it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better. You have the desire to be happier, and seem willing to take steps to get there. And that really is the most important part of changing- wanting it. And your kids need you too.

I don't even know what to say about your husband. I don't care what issues you two are having, there is no excuse for him to be going on with this other woman. Anyway, we're here for you to talk to.

[baq13]

Oh my God ti sis so weird. I have been reading the responses to your questions Carrie, and the information is so close to people I know in my life that it is scary. First of all I understand why you would be upset if your husband is discussing his marital situation with another female. Second of all agree with the post Delicious V posted Start living. Some of the things she talk about is so similar to some advice I would give. I talk to a friend of mind that is married too, but just for advice, but like most men they like to flirt. I put him in his place. Anyway it is terrible to hear the stories about child molestation. I can't even relate, but I too have friends who have had similar experience.I just happened on this site tonight looking for answers for a depressed friend of mind. I feel so bad for her.Like you Carrie she is having difficulties at home. I posted a question on how to help a depressed friend when you have run out of answers.I wish I can give you sound answers. DeliciousV seems to be on the right track. I too have been through therapy for self hypnosis with a doctro that make you create all these people in your head to help you get better. And I have been on lexapro, it just made me tired, but it helped. No to get off the subject, but I would like to ask DeliciousV where she is from, because she describes some things that are similar in my life. I too have a friend whose twin niece was molested, and the father met with a fatal end by he hands of the mother except the twin was not a triplet. I also have a friend that was attacked under a bridge at a young age, by a brother's friend and has a brother who went to jail for 10 years too for killing him. Wonder if we know the same people. You also describe the technique used by my doctor that I use today. I see your profiles says you are from Wheaton Illinois originally. That is where my doctor is located. Carrie you have to hold on, like Delicious V says. Everything will work out. I have been married 20 years been through stuff but is still holding on. If he loves you he ain't going no where, but if that female is getting to close I don't know, you may have to send her an e-mail and tell her she is interrupting your household. Will your husband get mad if you do that. And that comment about not being attracted to you.. he should love you regardless. He should really keep those comments to himself. Though. I really hope you can find some happiness and peace, I am seeking answers for my friend too. She was just at her doctor and the doctor made some rude comments to her. She has such a beautiful and giving heart to be treated like that, but these things just makes us stronger. You are much older Delicious V maybe you can give me some advice to give to my friend that may help her out too.

[carriehash]

I am so numb right now. I can't even describe it. I really need a let out, which is this website. My husband told me today that he is no longer in love with me. He is so madly in love with this woman that he meet 2 months ago. I don't understand. I have tried and tried again for the past 12 years. I feel like a lost little puppy. Please bare with me, as I have been drinking tonight. I hate being drunk, but I feel no pain. Divorce preceedings to follow. God help me. Is tomorrow ever going to come. I really need to talk somebody.

[Cat1864]

Carrie, you need to stop drinking. I know you feel like your life is falling apart, but you have three very good reasons to keep looking for the positives. I take that back. You have four reasons. Three children and yourself.

You said that you have a job that you love. Do you want to talk about it or other things you enjoy doing like hobbies?

[baq13]

He is a fool. All I can tell you is let the loser go and move on. But drinking will just make you sick.

[Alty]

Carrie, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Remember though, everything you go through will only make you stronger.

No, suicide is not the answer. No, your kids will never forgive you if you go that route. I know that from having dealt with my cousins. Their father committed suicide when they were teens. To this day (some 30 years later) they still haven't forgiven him. They hate him for what he did.

We're here, and we're listening. Put the alcohol down, and use this site. Vent if you need to. Scream if you need to. Cry if you need to. We're all here to lend a shoulder, to lend an ear.

You will get through this. How do I know? You were strong enough to come here looking for answers. You came back. You continue to come back. You're not ready to give up, and we won't let you give up. Find that strength we all know you have and continue to post. We'll help get you through tonight, but the main strength to get past this is in you. You've shown it to us. Use it!

[kp2171]

I've been in a bad, bad place. Evil place. Ugly place. Darkest of the dark.

But most of that noise was me. Feeling as bad as I did, feeling as lost as I was, feeling hurt and deceived and rejected... well... honestly, I was in my own way.

Allow yourself to be mortal.

Hurt. Get angry. Cry. Don't fight it off. You need to go through this.

You need to feel this to move on to a better place. Fully feel it. Deal with it. Figure it out and find a way to take a step forward and then do it again. Again.

Sorry you are in this place.

I can tell you, there was a time when my marriage was ending, with her in love with another man... when I was facing leaving my home and losing time with my beloved son... that it just seemed like things would not get better.

But they did, despite me.

The day I signed the divorce papers... I fell apart. Completely. I knew I needed it. I knew it was best. It tore me up.

And then I mended. Again. And again. And again.

I'm sorry you are in this place... and I never guarantee anything... but I at least damn near guarantee that in time... the noise you are going through will become a part of what you needed to get into the right place.

You need to worry less about why he is doing what he is doing and how he thinks about you. *poof* done. Right? No? Crappola.

It isn't that easy, but it does require you to keep at it. So he is clueless and an idiot. Fine. Its well established. You need to be OK with him being wrong for you. He is not right for you, not the other way around.

[carriehash]

Since my life and marriage has started to fall apart, everything I see and hear, has to do with unhappy couples.I turn on the TV for divorce court to be on. I turn on the radio, there are songs about husbands cheating on wives. It's crazy!! I keep trying to tell myself that today is a new day. As hard as I try to tell myself that this will pass, It's so hard to see through the fog. I am a strong person. I have always been able to do whatever I put my mind to. Why am I having such a problem with this. Regarding my marriage. Thank you to all who have given me kind words. You guys will never know how much you guys have really helped me. It is so nice to be able to get this stuff off my chest, and not be judged by the content. I knew that my husband hasn't been super happy for a few months, but I had no idea that it was probably guilt. He had been unemployed for almost a year. I had got up and went to work everyday. For the past 6 months picking up a second job just to make ends meet. In turn he found love online. I know I sound like a broken record, I'm sorry, but that seems to be the ultimate betrayal. I have many hurdles still to jump over, but I am not looking forward to telling my children the truth. It scares me!! I don't want them to see the hate I have for there father right now. I would NEVER tell them that. But kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I guess overall I'm afraid they already know.

[Cat1864]

Carrie, always feel free to say what you want here. So many times writing out your thoughts can help you see a way through all the confusion. You do not sound like a broken record. You sound like someone who needs to talk and find her way back to some sort of normality. Broken records (and we see a lot of them) keep saying the same thing over and over again no matter what response they get. They aren't trying to feel their way through the fog. You very obviously are.

On the subject of your children, they may know more about what is going than you do. It may be a relief especially to the older ones to know that secrets are coming out. They don't need all the details, but answer their questions as truthfully as you can. Be there for them as much as you can. Let their school counselors and teacher know what is going on. Sometimes children start behaving differently when major events happen and the school may see it first. They may also have some materials and resources that can help you all through this.

As for your husband, is he contributing to the household? Has he gotten a job, yet? Is he looking? Is he looking for a place to live? I hope he finds the couch or floor very uncomfortable if you don't have a guest room.

I'll be honest that it sounds like he has lost or put aside the part of him that is tied to reality. The other woman is a fantasy of greener pastures and no expected responsibility. He seems to have done the emotional equivalent of running away from home. You could not have seen that coming. You could not have prevented it without him wanting to help. He wants to give up, wipe the slate clean and begin again. He is in for a very rude awakening. Be prepared for him to realize his mistake and try to make better at some point in the future. Don't accept it. You and your children deserve better than an adolescent in a man's body. He has shown who he really is when the pressure is on and you should not pick up the pieces. You have been doing enough of that already.

You have yourself and your well-being to be concerned about. First thing I am going to suggest while you look for professional help is to get all of the alcoholic beverages out of the house. If you don't have it available, it can't be a temptation. I applaud your trying not to show how angry and upset you are at their father to your children. However, do find a constructive way to let that anger out. Kneading bread, chopping wood, physical exercise, batting practice, etc. can be safe ways to let off steam.

Contact a lawyer and find out what your legal rights and responsibilities are. Be open and honest about everything. A lawyer can't give you accurate advice if you hold back information.

Everything may seem very dark right now. But there is light. Even inside yourself there is light. Give yourself permission to see it. When we are going though major events, sometimes we get into a mindset of everything is supposed to be dark and gloomy. For it to be otherwise is denying the reality of the situation. It doesn't have to be that way. Rant, vent, take it seriously, but give yourself permission to look for the light. It is in so many places like the faces of our children, stars in the sky, a candle on a table, diatoms on the ocean, even fish and bugs that make their own light. When you feel the darkness closing in, open your eyes.

[donf]

Dear Carrie,

The very first thing I have to offer you is that your life has value and you deserve all the dignity that is yours to have.

In the issue of what appears to me to abandonment by your husband when you are in need, he's a dullard!

However, I must honestly admit that sometimes I do not understand some of the black holes that my Lady falls into from time to time.

The physical illness are easier to deal with. They are things I can see and feel. The emotional problems and feelings are always a mystery to me.

When Bonnie is caught up in that, I just do my level best to lighten the physical stuff (chores, running around, kids <we baby sit a lot>) Hot cups of tea to sit and share time with her, a simple back rub or sometimes just sitting with her and holding her. I can do these things with her. I just change my focus to her, end of story. I often times cannot provide solutions but I can give time and attention to her.

By no means is it a one way street, Bonnie returns the aid when I'm off the deep end. But her way of helping me seems to me to be a more thoughtful caring way. She just seems to be much better at those.

As to e-mails to other women, never on a consistent basis. I have chatted from time to time with some of the ladies here but that was and is the extent of it. Nor have any of the ladies wanted or asked for more.

His behavior is his responsibility, not yours.

Personally, if I want to do something or go somewhere and I'm not sure how my Lady would feel about that, I ask her. However, sometimes I just know that it is a waste of time to ask, because I already know the answer.

I believe it is my calling not to cause my wife hurt. She has never done or behaved in a way that could justify my being an a**.

Sorry for prattling on, but I get like that from time to time.

One last thought. Last year, my Granddaughter's cousin committed suicide. She was 24, and left behind two small girls. This was a complete devastation for the family.

Look at yourself, smile in a mirror or just wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug. There is much to value and love in your life.