[carriehash]

I have a lot of issues regarding this that I have never dealt with. I seem to internalize everything, and am on the brink of suicide. After arguing with my husband over the past several days, it has clicked with me that I am not happy. It's not that I am not happy with my husband or my kids, its all on me. I need help! I have no medical insurance, with the forecast of not getting any. I really would love to go talk to some one before my husband admits me into the stress center. I live in the state of Indiana. Can someone please point me in the right direction?

[justcurious55]

IN.gov: Family & Health
Have you tried seeing if any of the services there would work for you?

I think realizing that you're unhappy and recognizing some of the behaviors, like internalizing everything, and being willing to get help is all a very important part of becoming happier.
While I think a personal therapist you can speak with one on one is best, in the meantime, we've got some really great people on this site. Feel free to keep posting here.

[Alty]

Hi Carrie,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I too am a survivor of childhood molestation, and I too was molested by a family member. I do know what you're going through, even though everyone experiences things differently.

Therapy is really the best option, and I hope that you can find some way to get in to see a therapist (sadly I can't help with that, I'm not in the US and have no idea how their system works).

Like Justcurious said, there are lots of great members on this site, and if you just need to talk, we're here to listen. You're not alone in this, sadly.

I hope you come back.

[tkrussell]

Here is one place in Indiana that may help:

United Way of Central Indiana - AGENCY DIRECTORY

[carriehash]

Thanks guys for the sites that you gave me. I am defientley going to check them out. I would love to have several one on one sessions with a therapist. I feel that I need to get A lot of stuff off my chest. The only person that I have ever felt comfortable talking about this too is my husband.

I know now that that wasn't probably a good idea. Not that my husband is a bad man, I just don't think that he fully understands what's going on in my head. He told me the other day to be truthful to him no matter what. So I did open up to him a lot last night. It didn't turn out to good. He told me that I need to figure out how to be happy. I told him I really don't know how. Honestly I don't know exactly what's making me unhappy, as crazy as that sounds. I'm thinking that it has to be the insecurities from my childhood, because it is on my mind quite often. Why can't I just let it go, I know that I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else.

Looking back at the last 12 years, my whole goal in life was to make everyone happy especially my husband and kids. Some how I have lost my way. I didn't realize till last night that the more I was trying to please him, the farther away I was pushing him. He always seems so distant from me.

I have now ran my husband off to having a online affair. I just found out about it a couple of weeks ago. It's just talking online nothing physical because of a 1000 distance in between.

In the beginning it didn't seem to bother me that much, but its killing me inside now. I have talked with him about this. He tells me that it is a woman that has similar problems like him,( being with someone that has major issues.) it really kills me when I walk in the room, and he logs off his little chat box.

He told me last night that it is that he is not attracted to my body, it is my personality and will for life. He was talking about divorce. Let me go on record right now and say that would send me over the edge in a heartbeat. We have been married for almost 12 years, and have 3 wonderful kids. God I don't know what to do. I am sitting here right now just crying my eyes out. I feel so lost! I just want to be happy.

[carriehash]

Altenweg, have you accepted what happened, and been able to move on with a healthy life?

Thanks justcurious! Please bare with my format for this site. I am generally not a computer savvy person. I will def keep posting, it helps me just to talk.

[justcurious55]

One of my psych professors at school has done some research on happiness and part of one of her classes was for me to read this book called The How to of Happiness, by Sandra Lyubomirsky. Now, normally I'm not into self help books. But some of my other assignments for class were me doing my own research and I ended up reading a lot of studies on happiness, and quit a few of the studies done by this researcher. And I started practicing some of the exercises myself, and they actually worked. You can find articles online just googling the book and her name that sum up the advice pretty well and it's probably available at your local library too. I'm not suggesting this as a substitute for therapy or anything like that. But it does have some helpful advice in there based on actual research on the pursuit of happiness.

[Fr_Chuck]

First most counties have mental health departments that see people on a sliding fee scale according to their income.
*** a lot of health insurance does not cover mental health well anyway.

Also places like Catholic Charities have counselors for various needs ( you don't have to be catholic, most of the people they help are not)
There are also religious leaders from the religion of your choice, many are trained in counseling.

[carriehash]

I was really hoping that my husband would see that I have accepted that change is necessary. I told him that I loved him, and wondered if he would still be by my side after getting started seeing a psychiatrist. He just sighed and chuckled saying probably not. I know that I have a lot on my plate right now, but damn that was like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I guess there is no good answer for this. I really just wanted to get that off my chest, He was admitted to the stress center in a local town a few years ago, for a number of reasons. I stood by his side the whole time. With that being said I have always stood by his side threw thick and thin, and now he's not going to return the favor. Thank goodness I'm going to go talk to someone. I know this sounds harsh,and am truly not a violent person, but I want to reach through the computer and strangle his online lover. Don't get me wrong, I understand it goes both ways. He might be next. I really think that she is filling his head with lots of ideas. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Should I just let go of all the hard work that we have both put into this marriage now or wait for him to leave me, and be totally crushed then?

[carriehash]

How do I pursue this? Should I call around to the local churches, or just drop in and ask if there is someone I can talk too. My stomach is in such butterflies. There is so much to tell I have no idea where to start. Are they going to laugh at me.

[Devorameira]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but if he isn't willing to work with you and try and fix the marriage, then there is no hope for it.

Sounds like he's cheating on you. May be emotional cheating, but it's clearly cheating. You really deserve better than he's giving you.

Would he consider marriage counseling? Won't hurt to ask. If he refuses, then all you can do is move on.

[carriehash]

That's really what I figured. The strangest thing is though he doesn't consider it cheating! Sending dirty text, and saying that you want to hold someone is cheating in my eyes.

[Cat1864]

Carrie, first and foremost, YOU are not to blame because your husband has decided to play games with another person instead of working on his marriage. HE made the choice. You didn't push him into anything. For him to even imply you are to to blame is bull.

It sounds like you have fallen into the trap that many women do of being there for everyone but themselves. It is complicated by your past. I truly hope you get the professional help you need to see that you can be happy whether or your 'husband' is there or not.

I suggest doing what is needed to help you find yourself and what helps you feel good about being you. If he doesn't want to be part of the solution, don't allow him to be part of the problem.

You don't say how old your children are or if you work outside the home. Even if the children are very young, you can make time for yourself to do things like take a community based class, volunteer, exercise, become involved in a hobby, etc. If they are in school, perhaps a part-time job. Which might be an idea especially if you are concerned about your husband leaving. Hobbies can be turned into money making projects. Though that can take time.

Good luck and remember there will be more advice coming. By responding (the Answer box at the bottom of the page gives more room for replying to the thread) and letting us know what you have tried and what you are open to attempting, the advice will get more detailed to your situation.

[carriehash]

My kids ages are 13,11,7/ I have a full time job which I enjoy. I believe there comes a time when you have to cut your losses and move on. That is very difficult for me to say considering I have put so much work into it.

Tonight he seems so distant. He knows exactly how I feel about the situation. I think he is wanting me to play pity party tonight which I refuse to do. Is it normal to feel so numb to a situation that bothers me so much? As many things that I have going on right now, this cannot be one of them.

I want to know if it is normal to be numb to a situation that bothers me so badly? My husband acts like nothing is wrong even though I have read his daily emails to this lady. This is not in my nature, although I truly felt like he has drove me to this. Please give me some advice on this matter. What kind a woman talks to a married man like that. I would never dream of it. Now I'm not trying to say that he doesn't instigate her on. Although I would never dream of it.

Thanks in advance for all your help in this matter. I do plan on getting help, but can't do anything until Monday.

[DeliciousV]

How long have you been married? I was in a similar situation but I wasn't numb to it. It really made me depressed I had to go on medicine and see a counselor. The situation with the other female ended, but I asked myself. If this happened again, will I leave him. The answer was no, so I decided that if I was not planning on leaving him then I won't look for what I don't want to find. I became numb, because I figure as long as he is treating me right, comes home at night, then as long as I never catch him I would be find. The difference is that before he was distant, which let me know there was somebody. After we fought it out and she eventually was out of our lives, he was never distant again, cause that is what got him caught. I am like this if it is not bothering you than leave it long. I go out with my friends and have fun, don't sit in the house pondering over him anymore.If it is bothering you than you need to approach him with it and like me I contacted the female and told her to step off cause my husband wasn't going no where, He was mad I called her but I did not care. Is this woman being intimate in the e-mails, or just talking in general? I have a friend who is married, and we talk all the time. He was my first boyfriends. He likes to flirt with me and I remind him that he has a wife... but we can relate and talk t each other about our relationships, and give each other advice. Presently, I really am not interested in what my husband is doing as long as he never stays out all night, and treats me right, because I am going through some sexual identity crises at the moment. I have found myself attracted to the female gender lately.. and don't know what to do because I am married 20 years an am not about to leave my husband, but I am contemplating having an affair with a female in the same situation I am in. Hey it will just be revenge for the time he cheated on me. But if you are numb to a situation like I am now about if he is cheating on me or not, then numb is better than depressed.

[DeliciousV]

An ignorant woman does. I would send her an e-mail and tell her she is destroying a family, and then if he gets mad tell him he can leave. He is only doing this cause he knows you isn't going to leave. The minute he realizes you will leave, he will stop

[carriehash]

I am having it out with my husband now. It is not pretty. We are poison for each other.

[kp2171]

There's a lot of backstory that isn't given.

What were the earlier struggles? On his side? On your side?

Risk a little here. Tell us the real history.

Trust me... I've been in absurd places in relationships... where you look up and wonder how the hell it got there.

So... I'm glad to address the present, but it sure seems like there's a lot of perspective missing.

If you want real help, lets have the real, detailed background. Please?

[carriehash]

I have to start a new thread, its much to long to explain in a comment. It will be labeled the other girl.


My husband of almost 12 years is walking out the door. Some part of me says stop, the other part says go. I am really in a pickle.Our children are at friends house tonight thank god. I have no idea what to do?

[DeliciousV]

I think you should do a self hypnosis exercise that has helped me. For one, being molested as child is traumatic. My friends daughter was molested from age 6 to 12 before her mom found out her step father was doing it. My co-worker at school was raped at age five under a bridge by her brothers friend and left for dead. Her brother killed the friend and did ten years. My girlfriends niece was being molested by her father at age two. My friends sister killed her husband for molesitng one of her twin to year olds and did 7 years. My cousin has three children for her father, her mother left home because her daughter wanted her father. My other cousin screamed at school one day because she was tired of her father molesting her, but her mothe rdidnt believe her and made her recant, and he was never punished. I can go on and on with a list, but thi strauma in your childhood is carrying over to the trauma your husband is placing on you presently. I would ask your docter to put you on lexapro for now. It really helped me. Don't let your husband put you in a stress center, so he could have total freedom to do what he pleases while you are locked up. Once you are admitted toone of those places, it will follow you, and he can us eit against you . This counselor that I talked to told me to layon a counch real quiet, then picture all my emotions sitting around a table withtheir own identities.she pulled them outone by one. Then she told me to talk to each emotion as if it were a person and tell the emotion you want itto leave the table. One by one a chastised each emotion and told each emotion why I wanted it to leave. As I dismissed them she told me to picture a door that they would go behind with a lock on it. Once all of my emotions that were causing my depression were behind the door, she told me to vision a large lock on them. She said the only person that should be left at the table is me in control of the key. I did this exercise and it worked. Every time I felt the emotion trying to get out of that room I just add another lock and some chastising words telling the emotion to stay in their, because I did not want to be bothered with it. To this day I still use that technique, and my door is welded shut. I have had control of my life from then on. I don't wait by the window or phone to see where my husband is ator what he is doing.I go out with my friends I have escaped the prison that I built for myself. Take your life back. Start ignoring your husband. If he wants your attention,let him seek it, after awhile he will wonder if she is not pondering after me, who is she pondering after. These type of chatrooms are really therapeutic too. Find you a chat buddy to relate to it will distract you from his bull ****, and give you control of your life again. Don't let him commit you. A bottle of lexapro and a good counselor that you go and talk to on a weekly basis is all you need. Join a woman's support group and go out to coffee and dinner with them. On the meet up website thereare plenty of different meet up groups that plan events and meet up. Punch in what you need and they will find you. Punch in women that were molested or women with cheating husbands . There is a meet up group for everything.