[CaliMaddies]

Should I stay with friends who do not go out of their way to accommodated me? I know it sounds selfish, but when when I really think about it, I do for them in so many situations. I wait for them when they have to make an extra stop somewhere (they leave when I have to). I listen to their problems and actually ask when I think they are upset about something (they don't ask, they are not curious at all). I drop what I am doing for them. I've even left the bathroom when I was getting ready in the morning so they could get ready. Why do I feel like they do not return favors like this for me. When I want them to go with me somewhere a little earlier than planned, they don't because they are so dead set on the time they want to leave at.

Ive tried talked to them in the past about these kinds of things and all they really say is that's who they are and I have to accept it if I want to be their friend.

Is this a normal friendship? :confused:

I am starting to really get frustrated with them and upset at myself for thinking I should be finding new friends.

[talaniman]

You seem to have many issues with your friends, and maybe your expectations are to high for them. In real life we usually only have one friend who is true, and unconditional, and others are acquaintances we have, that we see often. That doesn't make them good unconditional friends, and we better know the difference.

Part of your problem I think is expecting them to give as freely as you say you do, but that's the whole thing, they don't. Clearly they are not as friendly as you want them to be and you have to make the proper adjustments to them.

Not all people you do things with are really your good friends and if you expect them to be, that's a mistake you make. Treat them accordingly.

If they are not breaking their neck to accommodate you, why are you breaking your neck to accommodate them?? That's my question to you.

[Jake2008]

Friendships are no different than any other relationship. If you were talking about a boyfriend instead of your girlfriends, would you feel the same about always doing the giving, and him always taking? What if these girlfriends of yours were co-workers, with exactly the same jobs. Would you expect to work twice as hard as they do, for the same paycheque? Would you be resentful of the boss for making you do more than your share, because the other two didn't work as hard?

It is natural for you to feel a little resentment, and a bit hurt that they seem oblivious to your needs, while you seem very aware of theirs. You go out of your way to accommodate them, and they do not accommodate you. And if you are seeing this in both small and big issues, then there is a problem. Not with them, but with you.

When you allow yourself to be used, and you feel that is the only way to keep a friendship going, then it is you who will pay the price. If you give and give, and expect nothing in reuturn, you have only yourself to blame. Where you don't establish boundaries that define at least respect and consideration, you allow yourself to be put in the position where your friends will perceive you to be the one who doesn't need what they do. And that is care, compromise, and friendship. Which is a two way street, not a one way street with a dead end.

For many people, having a friend means having someone in your life that cares about you, as much as you care about them. It's give and take, being flexible and accommodating, and sensitive to the other person's needs.

If they haven't changed even after you have talked to them, perhaps it is time to seek out other friends.

[Cat1864]

I have a question for you: Why do you do things for them? Is it because you really don't mind helping out someone else or because of what you think you should get back in return? Are you keeping score?

Are these 'friends' or 'roommates'?

I've even left the bathroom when I was getting ready in the morning so they could get ready.

[mystific]

I understand how you feel. I used to be the same. You go out of your way in kindness and understanding, just because. They're your friend/s and when needed you're there for them. When it isn't reciprocated, you feel a little disappointed and hurt because its something you'd do.. why can't they?

What I learnt is that I was forever 'giving' to my friends and they quite happily kept taking. But it got to the stage where I resented doing it because there was no reciprocation.

So rather than resenting my friends, what they lacked in 'giving' me, I decided that I wasn't going to go out of my way at a drop of a hat for them any longer. I learnt how to say no. Very quickly those to whom I thought were my friends dissipated into thin air.

Ironically, the best gift any of those friends gave me has been my best friend of 20+ years. They all left me hanging at a nightclub on my own where I met this friend.

Start standing on your own two feet, don't be reliant on them and start appreciating what you can offer to a true friend rather than being used for what you give.

[CaliMaddies]

They are roommates of mine, and I've lived with them for three years. My life isn't a largely complicated one but everyone has issues now and then and when mine come up they never ask, especially if it one of my issues is with them they really don't want to ask. I do enjoy doing things for them but I feel like it has gotten to the point where I might be taken advantage of. Another friend pointed that out to me. I guess I am that friend who drops what they are doing for you, or too nice to say no. I am leaning more towards mystific's reply. I think I may just try to say no more often to them and work on doing my own thing from now. Make new friends, keep them in my life however not really put them first anymore.

Hopefully they don't think I am a snob for saying no to them now. It's not what they will be used to.

[Cat1864]

I think you may be trying to make a deeper relationship where there isn't one. Roommates aren't always 'friends'. At least not the close friendship you seem to be wanting.

You don't have to be their chauffeur (unless there is an arrangement in place for you to give them rides), confident, etc. Each of you should be doing what is necessary to keep your living conditions acceptable to all residing there, but that doesn't mean your interactions have to extend beyond the boundaries of the property you share.

If you want to be there for them when something major happens and they need to talk, that is your choice. However, I think you need to make your closest friends those who don't live with you. Do you have someone closer to you who doesn't live there?

I suggest getting out and getting involved in your life so that you aren't as available to be involved in theirs. You don't have to be confrontational about it. You can be upfront and honest about expanding your horizons and that they will need to look for other transportation in the future. You don't have to cut them off completely, but you don't have to work so hard to be accepted by them either.