[klshumble]

Ok I have been dating a wondeful women for 10 years and we finally decided it was time to get married, problem is the ex he has nevered remaried and has had only one failed relationship. Recenly I bought a house which is about 10 miles from my girfreind I told her we could live there after we were married but she doesn't want to move away from the town were she is, the reason is because she wants to be close to her exhusband so when the kids come home they won't be inconvienced. Problem is she spend her holidays at his house or invites him to her house for supper or dinner or to just hang out. If I'm there he won't come over so she goes to his house so again the kids won't be inconvienced. The youngest kid is 25 -- 2 of them live a couple of hours away and he constantly ask her to go with him for every event they have. It makes me very uncomfortable that he does this and when I tell her so she says that is just the way it will always.be. Her kids and my kids all kid along great and as well as we do with them. I feal second to him! She seems to jump whenever he needs something and he uses the kids as an excuse to be around her. I told her that she is leading him on and that she should tell him to call family when he needs a ride or a favor but he calls her instead, when I tried to discuss this with her I ended up being a insecure jerk. I don't know what to do! I glad they get along but when I'm sitting alone at my house and she's with her ex and the kids it just seems wrong and she doesn't think it should.

[Jake2008]

Did I read you right that her children are all over the age of 21? She sees her husband frequently, without you, they have dinners together, and hang out. She spends the holidays at his house, and doesn't want to move a measly 10 miles from town, because she doesn't want to inconvenience her adult children?

What I want to say is, "Are you kidding me?", but instead I will say, why do you accept her still being involved with her ex to such a ridiculous degree. Why do you put up with her having such disrespect for you. Why is she not mature enough to end her marriage. Although it is officially and legally over, it is not over by any stretch. They just live in different houses, that are too close together.

She has no excuse, even if her children were under 10 years old, to spend so much time at her 'ex's' home with them. The children are an excuse and nothing more. They could easily visit your home, and their father's home, without your partner of 10 years, having to be in both places. And while she is at his place, she is both mother, wife, and far too much of a friend, in my opinion.

You are not wrong to feel underappreciated, disrespected, and put in second place here in the pecking order. You should be her focus, your needs, wants, expectations, and feelings should hold water in what decisions she makes. And particularly the decisions that involve being with her ex husband as much as she chooses, and when she chooses. The only boundaries here are the ones she sets, and she puts her ex, first.

I would think long and hard about a woman who is still so involved with her ex husband. While she carries on a relationship with him, you sit at home, and wonder why. Well, that IS why- she is still in a relationship with her husband.

Before you marry this woman, I urge you to attend counselling with her. It is important that if she won't listen to your very valid concerns, that a third party will. Determine whether she is able to sever these ties with her ex, or at least reduce them to a reasonable level, and whether she is willing and able to set boundaries with him.

You will have no one to blame but yourself if you do nothing, and go ahead with the marriage, and find yourself in the same boat as you are now.

As Ann Landers used to say, "Wake up and smell the coffee!"