[oo25wd]

We have been together for 7 years. Things haven't been right for a while many cos sex was painful for her and so we started to lose intimacy between us. At the same time she got a much more stressful job. She didn't have much time before as she has quite a time consuming hobby but with the new job it just drove a bigger wedge between us.

Over the past 6 months I've tried and tried to get her to see it and she just thought I was imagining it.

I have never really been jealous but the lack of intimacy has made me paranoid.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I found she had been talking to someone else over the web.

We had a huge row during which she admitted sending the messages, but was adamant it hadn't gone any further.

She left and went back to her mums.

The odd this is that in the two weeks since, we have been talking and texting normally.

During that time she suggested going to see a counsellor.

We had the first session last week. It was quite painful.

She seemed to blame me and was quite negative. Apparently in her mind it all stems from me surfing porn on the internet when she was out at her hobby. This seemed to be the MAIN focus of her issues and seemed quite BIG.

I tried to conceed that I had some issues but said we could work though them and said I hadn't realised how big an issue it had been for her.

I asked about the messages and she just dismissed them saying it was just a friend.

She had no comment when I said they seemed more affectionate than just a friend.

She said she had been talking to the 'friend' for a couple of months because she had been lonely!

(Thats despite me doubling my efforts with our relationship)

And bizzarely she said the reason she left wasn't because of my discovery, but because of the long term issues we've been having. In the session she said things hadn't been right for two years... just so you know in that two year period I proposed to her and she gladly accepted. It was only about two months before the wedding that she suddenly had doubts saying things weren't right between us.

I made it clear in the session that I wanted to work through the issues.

When the counsellor asked her what she wanted, she said she didn't know, but she needed time to sort her head out.

The counsellor suggested we have a break for one week with no texts, calls or email.

I reluctantly agreed thinking how negative she had been, what was the point.

The counsellor then suggested another session.

I sat in silence, but my girlfriend seemed quite keen and the two of them arranged for the 3 of us to meet a week later.

I was so surprised that I called the counsellor the following day saying I doubted the value of a second session.

She said the second session would help improve communication between us in our future relationship together.

I was a bit surpirsed as I didn't think there was any future.

She counsellor said the first session is normally this painful.

Taking all this into consideration, d'you think I'm wasting my time?

How can she be so negative, but want to have a second session??

Give me your independent thoughts please?

[Devorameira]

In my opinion she does want to work on the relationship or she wouldn't be getting the counseling.

The first session was bound to be hairy because it was the chance to open up and complain about what's bothering both of you.

Don't give up so early. Why not give it a little more time to see the fruits of the counseling? You may be surprised.

[flowerchildfala]

I think you need to have a think about how much you want to invest in this relationship! Do you want to work things out or have you had enough? Do you see things getting better or not improving? I think after a few years relationships lose that glamour and glitter and things get a lot tougher but that doesn't mean you just end things! It sounds like the counselling will be good for your relationship (if you think you want to continue) and will let a lot of issues get resolved! I don't think she wants to end it because she's seeking help and seems like from her side she wants to try to make things work! I want to congratulate you for sticking through and not just walking out at the slightest hint of any trouble, most guys I know, just leave when a small problem comes up in a relationship! So I respect you a lot for that and also she's probably negative because she's got a lot of issues from her side about the relationship or is being defensive but still wantds a second session because she hasn't given up on the relationship and still wants you guys to stay together!!

[oo25wd]

You were both right!

The second session while still upsetting and painful for both of us was more positive.

While she still doesn't know how she feels or what she wants she seemed to be thinking more about 'how' it can work, not 'if' it can work.

We have another session booked for next week and the counsellor suggested some 'further reading' on how to improve your relationship which my girlfriend seemed quite receptive to.

Still early days.

But what do you think?

[talaniman]

I think you do what the counselor suggests, and go through the whole process, as long as your both willing.