[tamb19]

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. In the beginning sex was great then I noticed we were starting to have problems he wasn't getting hard or he was not getting off during sex. He claimed this was because he was masturbating to porn too much he then said he would stop. The sex did get much much better and the issues went away for about 2 months then I noticed them starting again. I got him to admit he was masturbating again. I even caught him lying to me to go home and watch porn, that same night he turned me down to pleasure him is this not an issue? From all this I have resorted to feeling unsexy, horrible at sex and unattractive which I have never felt with previous partners in fact it was the opposite with other boyfriends. I do love him and I do not want to end it with him but he does not think he has a problem what can I do?

[CravenMorhead]

Hhhmmmm... About the only way I could envision this happening is if he was Masturbating several times through out the day.

You've identified the symptom of a larger problem. You need to sit him down and find out why he doing that. Why is he masturbating furiously instead of laying you properly.

This will also allow you to analyze his priorities and figure out where he is going and what he is doing. It might be time to decide if this is worth sticking around for.

I am not suggesting you leave him. I want you to figure out why he is doing what he is doing. Maybe you can come to a compromise. Maybe you can't. You won't know until you try.

Above all else realize that this is most likely his issue and not yours. Don't internalize this as a reflection of yourself in the relationship. You're not inadequate. You're probably not unsexy, unattractive, or bad at sex. It probably isn't you. It is most likely him.

[smoothy]

Incidentally how old are you both... age can play a huge factor here if we knew it.

Obviously if he was 16 would mean something significantly different than if he was 46.

[hathoreros]

I've had this same issue with my husband. It IS a problem, it's called an addiction. He needs to admit he has a problem before anything can get better. There's also a small chance that you and he have lost a bit of "spark" in his eyes, and he's trying to supplement that.

[BrandonGT]

Ok, to start, I must disagree with hathoreos. The problem is not you! Nor is it how he sees you.
Secondly, he does have an addiction. An addiction is when any activity interferes with your every day life. He needs some professional help. All you can do is be supportive and try to get him some help.
If he refuses help, I'm sad to say that I'd advise leaving him. Without help, the problem will progress, and nothing will be more important than his addiction.
Good luck.

[tamb19]

I am 21 he is 22

[tamb19]

I don't think it would be a spark issue I do lots for him in the bedroom in fact I do anything he wants. Plus I have always been pretty wild when it comes to sex.

[tamb19]

Well I have tried talking to him about it he says he does not have an addiction and he is going to stop watching porn. My problem now is do I believe him or not?

[smoothy]

Maybe it's the fear of you getting pregnant... or other issues in the relationship you might not be aware of (I'm going with this one).

And before you say you are on the Pill or use condoms... please know that you can be using BOTH and still get pregnant. We have prominent members (as in more than one) here that were on three forms Pill, cream AND condoms all at once and still got prenant.

So the real issue may be one you are completely unaware of at this point. It might even be a combination of issues. For all any of us knows he might be sleeping with another woman too. A year isn't much time... you still barely know each other, it takes at least 3 to even start to really get to know them.

Plenty of men watch porn... far more often than he does and its not an issue for all but a very few. Just because a few people with an axe to grind about naked pictures thinks it's a huge problem in every case doesn't make it so. Porn has existed since humans learned to paint on cave walls. And been part of every civilization that has existed. Last I noticed... it hasn't stopped humans from breeding yet... if anything Humans are overbreeding.

If you pressure him to stop doing something he likes that's not harmful (and porn generally isn't harmful), expect pushback in some way... Its his right as an adult to watch as much as he wants... are you willing to give uyp watching any movie that has an attractive male actor in it in exchange? Or give up ALL chick flicks?

I think he might be giving that excuse to dodge the real answer. I don't know any guy that age who would rather whack off to porn than bang an open minded and adventureous woman.

I don't care how good the pron is... his hand is a poor substitute for a woman.

[tamb19]

I appreciate your answer but I did not tell him to stop watching porn, that was his solution and I do not think he is going to which makes me more mad cause he is lying to me. I wish he would be honest and try to fix the problem

[smoothy]

Don't take this as actual criticism... as its not meant to be... I think you are someone to takes things literally. And that can get you in trouble if you do in many ways. Trust me... when I was younger I did that too.

You are focusing in the wrong area (porn) if you want to find the problem...

No matter what he says... he has the right to do it if he wishes...

And don't tell me you haven't EVER been less that 100% honest with him about everything... because you would be the first person that ever was.

Just pointing out... its a dumb thing to get mad over... besides being something you really aren't in a position to dictate about.

But I think its more of a fib than a lie... he really didn't need to say it and probibly shouldn't have. Start holding everyone to everything they ever say or promise isn't realistic... and keep in mind... what if YOU was held to the standard as well? Because that can apply just as easily. See the point I'm getting at? Nowhere in life can you expect every single thing someone says to be as binding as a legal contract. And in fact, legally, if its not in writing... its just hear-say, 99.99% of the time.

You can't take everything literally... seriously. You can get burned big-time if you do, before you learn that lesson. People are not able to deliver on everything they say every day... even when what you understand is what they were intending to say... verbaitum.

If you tell him you won't go to starbucks... and he sees you in one... does he have the right to get mad?

Incidentally... a year into a relationship isn't a lot to demand or expect much... I've been married for 19 years and my wife doesn't have that right... and it does go both ways, I don't really have a right to demand she do certain things. I can ask, and if she does I am thankful... but I have no right to demand or expect her to do what I say.

[Cat1864]

How is his health? Is he on any medications? Does he use marijuana or alcohol? Does he smoke? Is he stressed? Is he overly tired? Those are just a few things that can limit a person's libido and/or impact his/her performance. Sometimes, we don't even realize they are affecting our lives until something happens to call attention to them.

When a person masturbates, it is all about his/her own thoughts and feelings. The person doesn't have to be concerned about his/her partner's needs and desires. So, while you may have been willing to take care of his needs, he may not have felt up to taking care of yours. Even if you were okay with that thought, he may not have been.

Release him from his 'promise'. It is only adding issues instead of fixing them. Something I tell my husband is to not make promises he may not be able to keep. I would not expect him to keep any promises made about not viewing porn or masturbating. Erotica is everywhere and porn is just an explicit form.

Sit down together and discuss the issues. No confrontations. No blame. Just talk. Look at how jobs, school, family, friends, finances, etc. affect your lives. Porn and masturbation may be a symptom of a larger issue. It may be a habit like gaming or reading to relieve the stress from work, etc. Like all methods of stress relief, it can become a problem if it is relied on too much. See if together you can find alternative means of stress relief that would be an acceptable compromise, but don't let him make a blanket promise about no masturbation. Expect him to masturbate. However, also expect him not to lie about it.

Be open in your communications. Be understanding of other factors going on in your lives that will have an impact on your libidos.

[tamb19]

So are you saying there is no problem?

[tamb19]

Thank you for your advice. But I did not ask him to stop watching porn he said he had to. I just don't want him lying to me to go home and do it. It doesn't feel good as a woman when your mate lies and turns you down to watch porn.

[tamb19]

I am a very sexual person and I enjoy lots of sex and maybe that's where our problem is because he can't seem to keep up with me.

[smoothy]

Comment on smoothy's post

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So are you saying there is no problem?



What I am saying is there IS a problem, any 22 year old guy that would rather maturbate than get laid when he has a willing girlfriend... is upset about something... but its not what you think it is. And apparently he hasn't told you for whatever reason. Problem is it can be a lot of things... and until he has the balls to speak up... we all have to guess at what it might be, including you. I honestly believe you don't know what is really bothering him. It might be something you said or did , it might not even be about you at all. Are you sure he doesn't have any female friends he's unusually close to? Are you sure he's spanking the monkey that offen and not really getting laid someplace else?

[tamb19]

I see him everyday so it would be pretty hard for him to cheat

[smoothy]

If you see him every day for more than a tiny bit... then him fooling around would be a lot more difficult... and less likely. Not impossible. Just less likely.

In which case he might be upset with you over something... and a guy that age... if he's only moderately upset... may just keep quiet that something's bothering him.. not wanting to offend or hurt you... but the fact he is upset will show in other ways... this might be an indication.

But again... I'm taking a guess based on How I thought and acted when I was that age... and yes, I have actually dated a woman that while outwardly was so kind and doating but privately irritated me so bad I grew to dislike her (the reason was far different than your situation I am certain, as in being in bed with her was literally like sleeping with a corpse, and I am not exagerating)... and in my immaturity of that age, never spoke up about exactly what was bothering me to her. In hindsight it was the wrong thing to do... but in my mind at the time she appeared to genuinely care and I thought I was sparing her from the hurt of being brutally honest with her... it was really a cop-out for me to avoid saying what I had to say. I didn't see that at the time.. and its only through the hindsight of nearly 28 years I can see it more clearly.

Not saying this is an same situation as mine was, just tryig to explain why its possible he is acting like this. From a guys perspective who remembers that age very well. And I see a bit of simularity, not a lot, but enough that its possible he might be thinking much like I did at that same age. I've learned a LOT in the years since... and preffer to be more direct and honest than I was then.

[BrandonGT]

By definition, an addiction is almost impossible to stop alone. If he is serious, you should insist that he see a professional.