[Pboy87]

We hd made out and kissed after knowing each other for more than a month.. and she didn't go oral on me even then.after around 3 months we had sex. So I do feel kind of jealous as well that she took so much time for me but went oral with othrs first night.

[Just Looking]

You don't have to make any long-lasting decisions yet. You are only 22 and you have only known her for 5 months.

You ask if you need to change your whole thought processes for her. I think the real question is whether the two of you can grow together. Maybe you are being too rigid, but that's for you to decide. You have to be true to yourself.

If you don't want to know about her past, have you told her this? She needs to know how you are thinking. I know you want her to feel she can confide in you, but you don't need to know specific details. Think about steering the conversation into something more meaningful. What are her current thoughts about her morality? What does she want now and in the future? Even, what has she learned from her experiences? Open communication is important, but make it about what is really important.

[Pboy87]

@ just looking.. I am not.. I wished to take each day as it comes.. but she is apparently 'in love' with me and so already doesn't mind of a life with me.. I keep telling her to go slow.. n I guess she has warmed up to it..

We can grow together I feel.. we have.. in all these months.. whenever we have fought.. it has been because of these past issues.. not because I haven't gotten over them.. I try to push it deep inside.. but every time those people are mentioned.. or they call or text when she is with me it kind of pisses me off.. then all these images rush back to me.. and it bothers me... I mean.. all this was when I just knew that they had madeout and she was topless.. now knowing that she has given blowjobs to one and he went down on her and she doesn't remember what she did when she was drunk bothers me all the more.. I mean.. even if she was attracted it was cool.. but she was in depression and would have done it with anyone she found she says just disgusts me.. is she really that easy.. the one nightstand happened just 4 months before I met her.. so comparatively very recent. And she continued being best friends with that guy even after what happened and when we first started dating.. he would tell her to beware of me as I seem shallow.. what he did wasn't shallow is it.. and would write to me asking how his 'kitten' is.. etc.. But I didn't know their history back then..

I have told her that I don't want to know her past and she has stopped after that day.. but I thought she was honest.. today after all these months she tells me the truth.. n I don't know.. maybe if we still are together.. months later she'll tell me she even had sex with them.. She claims that she always believed in sex in love but just the first time it was an experiment with her then boyfriend... but she was under depression and did all this and then was drunk and did all this.. how did her morals change when under depression and drunk.. I don't know how to get these images of her giving head to these guys out of my head.. especially when I know the guy.. have spoken to the guy and have a face to it as well..

[Homegirl 50]

Does she still drink? I think you are always going to worry about that. If her sexual morals are different from yours, you are going to worry about her getting drunk and being with someone else.
You two have been together 5 months, that is not long at all, you are still in the getting to know each other stage.
Are you with her because the sex is good and you don't think you can find anybody else or do you think you love her?

I still think you two are too different. She is who she is.

[Pboy87]

Yeah.. she still drinks.. sh isn't a regular drinker.. just occasionally.. no.. I'm very secure that she won't go with anyone else.. she has gone drinking with many of her guy friends even after we started dating.. and sometimes even with that best friend guy.. but she didn't do anything.. the worst bit that ihate about it is that after she is drunk her guy friends hit on her thinking they'll get laid this time.. and keep asking her if.. that guy was Ok for you then why not us.. (he looks crap).. she leaves her morals aside more when she is depressed than when drunk.. and it has happened twice.. I don't know how she gets gratification from making out or giving other guys blowjobs.. when she is still not satisfied in sex..
I know her almost too well now.. the way she thinks.. even what she would say before she says it.. and she knows me that well too..
And well.. for sex to be good we need to Have sex right.. we hardly have sex once a month.. and that too isn't great as she uses teeth while giving a blow.. which I don't like.. have told her.. lets hope she changes.. n the first time we had sex she thought I wouldn't have the guts togo buy a condom( as I was kiddin around with her that I won't b able to) so she got it from that best friend who she gave a blow on newyears.. for me.. and that night was horrible.. she was in pain all along as she was having sex after a long time and then her mind drifted and she went on to blurt that she feels she will get fat because of sex as she put on weight when she used to with her ex boyfriend.. next afternoon we had a quickie at a friends place and that was wonderful.. that was the first time she ever had a quickie.. we did it once more another time which was comparatively better. But she still didn't find it 'awesome'.. it kept getting better and better and we have had quickies usually which she loved (in risky places).. what hurt me was.. even though we are getting better at it. She says.. that she would be better off at sex with a stranger or a fling or one night stand as it is just pure sex.. no emotions involved.. but screws up when emotions are involved as she tries to impress.. and gets conscious and had trust issues..
We are actually very very similar on all aspects except when things come to sex.. weird.

[Just Looking]

If that is how her guy friends are acting, why is she friends with them? She probably likes the attention and likes knowing they find her attractive. You ask how she gets gratification from what she's done. Chances are, she doesn't. She was looking for a quick fix to make her feel better, but I doubt it gave her much of anything.

I just had a thought. If you really want to be helpful to her, why not start having discussions about things that will be a longterm benefit? The discussions might even help you to focus your feelings and intentions. If you are both interested, you could even do some reading on subjects that will help you define yourselves and figure out what you want in life.

I read an article yesterday that was talking about how to achieve happiness in life. Happiness does not come from being young and good looking, nor does it come from something like winning a lottery. One thing that does lead to happiness is setting and achieving goals. Maybe your solution here is to start thinking about things like this rather than dwelling on the past and sex.

[Pboy87]

Well.. u right.. she likes holding on to people no matter how they are.. she is scared of being alone ( mentally) she needs to know she has people for her.. that's why is she is still friends with that one night stand guy , the whole friend circle who knows what they did and ask her to do it with them and also friends with that rebound who she gave a blow and got eaten out in depression. In fact.. the first time. That We were making out , going oral was a far fetched thing.. she wasn't even emotionally there as she was messaging this same rebound guy in the middle.. it hurt me as hell..
How does one get any kind of gratification from sex? I mean I understand it can be possible when you reach an orgasm and the brain realises stuff to soothe the body and mind.. but this? How? She didn't get any gratification and couldn't get out of her ex even after that rebound oral sex.. but still.. when she was lonely and depressed again.. she did the same thing 8 months later.. its very weird..
And as she was drunk.. one thing lead to another without her knowing and she doesn't even remember it clearly... isn't this what date rape is?sexual contact with a female when she isn't in the senses to make a decision of yes or no but would have said No under normal circumstances? Yet.. after next morning they got back to being best of friends..
Well I was over her past this morning.. ( that she had just madeout with these guys) but this afternoon she told me that it was oral with all and she doesn't quite remember what all happened when she was drunk.. it just disgusted me all over again.. and these guys are close to her family. The rebound.. her fathers drinking buddy and ex student and the other the best friend who always drops by..

[Just Looking]

You keep repeating yourself. If you are going to make progress, you have to let this go. I'll repeat myself - I think if you could focus your energy and thoughts elsewhere, you will be much better off.

You are 22. Start thinking more about what you can do to make your life better, whether it be school or a better job or even simply getting to know yourself better. You are confused about things, so now is a good time to figure out what is important to you. You don't have to decide today what you think, but today is a good time to start thinking about these things. You might even take a step back with your girlfriend. Stop thinking so much about sex, and concentrate on having fun with her and getting to know her on a deeper level. Every time it's suggested that you may not be right for each other, you defend your relationship. I don't think you want to give up on her yet, so get to know yourself and her better. That will give you more answers than dwelling on her past.

[talaniman]

If your first 5 months are so wacky and off, I can't imagine another 6 months of this crap. I see nothing besides trying to build something from sex and lust, by two very young people who have life and BS all mixed up. I see no love, just unhealthy attachment built around lust. Throw in the distance too, plus her choice of friends?? Drinking?? I don't know guy, I just ain't seeing it. Heck the sex doesn't even sound that great.

All good men must make a choice about what they want and how they get it, woman do too. But I can't see this working for much longer, and maybe you need to step back and re evaluate this whole thing without her influence. Your brain is to full of sex, and not what's important for love and happiness.

[Pboy87]

Well its just very difficult to get those disgusting images out of my head..

I have very clear thoughts about my life and my aims and objectives that I have to achieve.. I became sexually active after the age of 21.. very late actually compared to others , and even her, as my life was focused on getting somewhere in life and knowing what I wanted and working towards it.. Now after my goal is clear to me and my profession is well set and established with no worries to loose balance I started giving importance to girls and sexuality and realised that maybe I was too late for this race.. everyone my age already had few sexual partners.. experiments. Goof ups but I never got into all of this like most teenagers as I focused on my objectives in life and didn't want to get any of these issues in my way or something that would hamper the reputation I was trying to establish or my fathers reputation. So that's why when I look around.. I feel everyone I know of my age has had wild and bad and weird sexual pasts.

I don't think much about sex with my girl.. we hardly have sex anyway.. we know each other better mentally than physically.. so sex with her isn't what's on my head.. .
Actually I have never had an issues getting girls.. I just never acted on it and went ahead for sex just because the girl wanted it.. like most people would.. ( like her best friend did).. I believed in sex with the one I really liked.. and that was my ex girlfriend (prefect girl, but she was older 25 and wanted to get married and I didn't, I was 21.).. and now this girl...
When we first met.. my girl had a crush on me but wasn't going to do anything about the crush because she thought I was way out of her league.. my lifestyle.. who I am... my family.. etc.. She boasts of being able to get any guy she wants.. so.. the best friend guy challenged her to get me and try and make me fall in love with her.. I was a challenge for her.. but apparently within 2 weeks it was off because instead of me falling she had started falling for me and now she is 'In love ' with me... (in a way I got to thank 'that' Guy for having her in my life -yuckk).. Sex is not the issue here.. the issue here is the intention behind having sex with all these guys.. which I just can't seem to understand or get into logic..

[Homegirl 50]

Dude you are way out of your league with this girl. You want to call what she did with this guy date rape so you can justify it in your mind and hang on to her.
The truth is you don't like the way she conducts her life. Period. Get over this infatuation with a "bad girl" and move on to someone who is more your speed.
This mess is too full of drama and it has only been 5 months. I'm not even understanding what is so attractive about what you have with her. Stop trying to talk yourself in to staying with her. She gave your ego a boost but is it worth it? I think not.

[talaniman]

You are STUCK for lack of a better word.

[Pboy87]

Well.. both of us think alike.. very much.. except on the issue of sex that is.. that's the only reason I'm holding on.. I don't think I'll find a girl like her who compliments my emotions so well..
She hasn't given me any kind of ego boost by being with me.. I have always been surrounded by much hotter , badder girls and that is the reason she tried to hit on me.. to try and get into that higher league..
Honestly, I don't like the way she has conducted her sex life.. because all the reasons ( which I didn't need to know) she gave me for having sex or oral sex with these guys was BS. I can't believe that you have sex just in depression and are feeling lonely or just because you are drunk and its new years.
I have no issues with anything else about her life.. the way she flirts to get her work done , and other similar things which most guys she dated had a problem with.
I have no worries about getting a much hotter , beautiful girl than she is.. as its very easy for me as girls look to be with me.. I'm not all that bad looking and professionally very successful at 22... ( I'm really not boasting, its very true) , but I like this girl.. because she thinks like me, and we can handle each others nonsense . Neither of us in the past have found partners who could handle us for who we are.. she is a completely wild girl.. and I am wild guy but only when I wish to be, in a very controlled manner.. we both have the reputation of being players in our circles.. she has been at it since she was 17 physically.. but I have never been physical.. just more of the emotional lover boy..

[Homegirl 50]

You keep telling yourself that.
I would imagine she is not bothered by her life at all and her inhibitions about sexuality seems to bother you quite a bit. Do you think she is going to change?

[Pboy87]

She says she will for me.. she has kind of reduced contact with that best friend from what it used to be..

[Just Looking]

Your words:
everyone my age already had few sexual partners.. experiments

we live n a very conservative society and any girl having many sexual partners or one night stands gets termed as a slut

These statements seem pretty contradictory. You are worried that she's had more partners than you and concerned about her motivations. Without re-reading every post, I don't remember the numbers... but it's not really important to what I want to say. You are saying there is sex among your age group, but you waited until last year. She started younger. Could it be that you are following the traditions of the culture you were taught and she is more modern? You seem to like that she is a "completely wild girl", but you can't handle that she has a past. You really need to decide what is important to you. I read lots of confusion in your posts. I also keep reading that you haven't found anyone else like her (i.e. the things about her that you like), but at the same time you are 22 and admittedly only started being interested in relationships in the last year. I'm not so sure you have even scratched the surface of the girls you could meet.

Your original question was how to get over these thoughts. You get over them by focusing your attention on something else. Don't engage in further conversations about the details. Find something else to talk about that is deeper and more interesting. You might even think about taking up a new interest. If you want to have a better relationship with the girl, think about something the two of you might learn together.

You are getting no where dwelling on all of this. You either let go of your thoughts of her past and accept her where she is now, or you determine that you can't let go and it's time to move on. That might take you some more time to determine, but if you are going to spend more time deciding at least try something new - instead of dwelling on the things in the past, strive to improve your relationship in the present.

[Homegirl 50]

she says she will for me.. she has kinda reduced contact with that best friend from what it used to be ..

She has been dating you for 5 months. Why should she change who she is to suite you?
She is who she is, why can she not be herself and be with someone who is not hung up on who she is. You want her, but you want her to change to suite you. I think that is very selfish.

[Pboy87]

I have never asked her to change.. I have only always pleaded of her to not talk about these guys with me.. if she meets them,I don't want to know what happens.. what they speak or anything. That's all that I ask of her. I don't want to know that side of her that is associated with them and what happens in that part of her life.. yesterday I don't know how she spoke about her past again and ended up blurting out details that she had hid from me the past few months.. I love her for who she is and not who she was.. and that's all I want to be concerned with.. her telling me makes it feel like she is being honest tome and telling me her life.. but, I seriously am never concerned about anyone's past, because it just makes you feel uncomfortable that the person who you love today was something totally different just few months back under drinks and depression..

[Pboy87]

It is a conservative society and I followed it unlike others who were modern. I have dated more girls in the past one year since I started, than she has guys in 7yrs. The number isn't a problem. What is weird is Who and with what intention.

[Pboy87]

When we met, she was a different person, showed me a shy homely girl image, a one man girl, who believed in love and passion and sex and love being one , etc.. But slowly opened up to what her past was like.. and it is definitely not what the image she had shown me.. I reaaaaaaally want to get over the past.. but I don't know how to.. she has spoken about it so many times that it literally got rubbed into me as she would brag about her escapades. I have my own past, not as wild, at least no one drunk was every involved but I haven't shared it with her as I know what I go through and I don't want her to go through the same..