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tparsons07 · Nov 6, 2010, 10:04 PM

I live in Texas. I have been divorced for one year. My husband gets the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend with my daughter who is two. He has always picked her up at 6:00 PM on the Fridays of his weekend. However, on Halloween he decided he wanted her early and found it in the papers that on his Fridays he can pick her up when school is dismissed. Well she doesn't go to school. However, the definition of school is the primary or secondary school that she goes in or the district in which she is enrolled in. He doesn't want to pick her up at daycare on all his weekends only when he can manage to get off work early enough to. This isn't consistent. I don't know since daycare is not a school if he even has the right to pick her up at daycare. I wouldn't mind given him the extra time, but I want it to be consistent. He shouldn't be able to pick when he wants to exercise his right to pick her up early. Not sure what to do.

Jake2008 · Nov 7, 2010, 08:12 AM

I would presume that 'school' was stated in your agreement, to mean 'in future', when she was actually in school.

Daycare is not school.

If he has always picked her up at 6 p.m. and now wants to change that, and it is not convenient for you to do so for whatever reason, then failing some sort of compromise on your part (which I presume you are willing to do, you just want it to be a consistent time), the onus would be on him to go to court, and amend the pickup time to mean anytime he feels like it at his convenience.

You may be further ahead to agree to the odd holiday or occasion, as an exception to the normal pickup time at 6 p.m. provided you have two weeks notice. That should pretty much cover his needs, and your needs, to have some heads up time when pickup time changes.

Probably better to straighten this out now, before your daughter is in activities, school events, sports etc. that will require compromise on both your parts.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 7, 2010, 08:27 AM

Bull, he wanted her early for a holiday and you are playing the evil ex at this point,

Get a life and let him have the child early for some holidays.

You are way out of line and visits have to stay flexable,

Obviously he would not have had to go to the paper work if you in any means would be reasonalbe to just let him pick her up early.

Stop using the child to fight and start being fair

tparsons07 · Nov 7, 2010, 10:18 AM

Chuck its not the point that he can not have her early, but it's that I went to daycare and she was gone... He said he would be there at 6:00 and he just took her. When I called he just laughed at me like it's a game. I am willing to give him extra time with her dad. He gets Wednesday visits and never shows up. He just picks what Fridays he wants her and I just have to go to daycare to check to make sure he got her. How is that fair to her. Daddy will pick you up from daycare whenever he wants to. He didn't even tell me he wasn't going to not come on Wednesday. Just one Wednesday he just stops showing up and my baby sits by the window and waits for him. My question is can he just pick what parts of the paper that he wants her. Just pick her up early on the Fridays that is best for him. Its not fair for her and I don't know what to do about it. I'm the one who has to explain to her where daddy is when he doesn't show. I want him to be there and I don't have a problem with the extra time.

Jake2008 · Nov 7, 2010, 10:40 AM

T, the situation was not quite as complicated as your first post, as it is in your second post.

What would happen if you dropped her off at daycare in the morning, expecting him to pick her up at six, and you caught a plane for a business meeting in Saskatoon, right after dropping her off. Then the daycare calls your cell phone, and tells you that he has not picked her up, they cannot reach him, and it is two hours past their quitting time and your daughter is very distraught.

That is what could happen when visitation, and visitation times, are not set in concrete. I think it might be necessary for you to re-visit the visitation, agree to a schedule, and include contingency plans, should he dial out, or in, as far as that goes, whenever he feels like it. Call your lawyer, and see what he or she says and suggests, in order to put a stop to this.

I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to also specify that she is not to leave the daycare centre, until a specified time. Him messing with that, also when he just feels like it (and not telling you he's picking her up early so you don't go there and she's just gone!) should also be in a revised agreement.

It really seem to me like you are having to go to a lot of work, for what should be common sense, on his part. His reaction to you being worried when she wasn't where she was supposed to be, by laughing at you, sounds like this guy needs to have a serious talk before a judge in my humble opinion.

You may want to research 'parent alienation' and further think about his behaviour.

I don't think you have a problem with him per se, you have a problem with him being immature, selfish, vindictive, and unpredictable. You can change none of those things, except to have the problems you have stated, clearly and in big bold print if you have to, in writing, set in concrete. Only then, when he continues to do what he pleases, can you again revisit this, and modify, or change his access to his daughter. Sometimes it just has to be spelled out.

ScottGem · Nov 7, 2010, 10:58 AM

On reading your OP, I had the same reaction as Chuck. But reading your second response changed things a bit. He has no right, since you are the primary custodial parent, to pick up the child without your knowledge.

Its very simple, you tell him that on Fridays, he has to let you know when and where he will be picking her up from and when and where he will be returning her. Tell him this is simply for your daughter's safety. Tell him he has to give you at least a couple of hours notice of any change in plans. Tell him you are not trying to limit his time with your daughter, just to make sure that she is safe and secure. Tell him, however, that if he does not do this for your daughter's sake, then you will be forced to go back to court and have this written into the court order.

cdad · Nov 7, 2010, 11:10 AM

The way I see it maybe you both either need parenting classes or at a minimum communication classes. Children live on flex time. There is no such thing as "in concrete". And if he isn't picking her up before 3 pm then the courts are likely to roll with it as that is the time schools let out. Appointments and activities etc change all the time. Is it rude he didn't call you? Yes. I would have been ticked too. Been through it before myself. But the fact remains he is trying to spend time with his child. If you go in trying to prevent it then you're the bad guy. As Scott said have a line of communication. Call him text or email the night before he is to pick her up and ask. If there is doubt that she is at the baby sitters or not call the babysitter. They shouldn't mind. If they do then start looking for another one.