[jojoa1]

Here it goes. I met my present girlfriend through a nurse that came to take care of my dad. My girlfriend is Korean and I am Italian American born in Italy but feel completely American. We love each other, we did from the beginning and do now. The problems started when she asked me if we can hurry and get married because she needed to adjust her green card status. That was 6 months into the relationship. I thought it was early so said no, but we did make plans for a wedding. Art the time I admit I was still not ready to commit to a marriage. I was not strong enough to let her know this. She almost broke up with me because of this then. Our relationship survived. About one year ag we bought an apartment together and things were going OK. However this past year she has used the fact that I was not up front about not being ready to marry the first time, to threaten with breaking up time and time again. The problem is that not even 2 months can pass in pur relationship where she comes to me with some earth shattering problem that she has. One time was her work visa, other time was expirind drivers license, problems at work, denial of application for a green card and so on and on. She blames me for not wanting to marry her when she needed me the most. I have done so many things for her and with her. Vacations, outings, dinners, borrowed a lalrge sum of money to buy the apt. we live in now. Somehow it seems every month she comes with a new problem that shakes my world too. One month goes by and she has another huge problem that she complains to me about. Crisis after crisis after crisis that leaves me with no energy. Meanwhile I am letting slip my work my friends, my other career plans because everything takes so much energy to sort out in this relationship that becomes toxic every day. Another problem is that even we have developed special feelings for each other I feel she is far behind me and my peers since she doesn't speak very well English. I know that is something that is learnt but I am losing patience because when she comes from work she sits in front of the PC and surfs her own korean sites and except for movies expresses no real drive to become part of american culture. I am growing impatient, and simply feel I am stuck with someone who is needy and want all my attention, takes away so much energy just to keep the relationship running and yet no guarantees. I LOVE her since, I have put up with it for almost 2 years now. I feel stuck especially because she is not very outgoing, keeps pushing for attention. We used to have so much fun. Recently she told me she is not sure if she wants to get married soon, but wants a baby. In fact I come to realize she has constatntly used my indecision to marry as a weapon, when in fact now for a long time I think SHE was the one ALL the time that was not sure whether I am the one for her. Our cultural differences here have a lot of significance and I have been simplu giving into her not wanting to learn more by letting her watch Korean TV too much instead of advising her to learn and become more culturally involved in American Culture. She is withdrawn and doesn't have any friends except one Korean girlfriend who I think gives her all the worst advie when it comes to relationships. She is all alone in the us on a work visa. She is a nurse, and otherwise very faithful. But we are so close each day that I simply am not sure of my feelings. I feel closed and held back. I think I have horizons that are so much wider then her world but care for her. I feel like ending this relationship but love her. I know she loves me too.Advice please. Please.

[chuff]

We love each other, we did from the beginning and do now.

You love her. She is using you for everything she can get.

The problems started when she asked me if we can hurry up and get married because she needed to adjust her greencard status. That was 6 months into the relationship.

That is her problem. That is also illegal, not that the court would ever prosecute for that. If she wants to be an American so bad then clinging to one is one approach but how about becoming a citizen. I know a couple Americans who weren’t born within the confines of the country but became citizens via taking the proper legal channels.

I thought it was early so said no, but we did make plans for a wedding. Art the time I admit i was still not ready to commit to a marriage. i was not strong enough to let her know this. She almost broke up with me because of this then.

She almost broke up with you because she didn’t think you were a meal ticket. That’s why she was cheating on you with that other guy. She’s looking for a meal ticket into this country. She doesn’t care a thing about you.

Our relationship survived.

Yep, because the other hopeful didn’t fall for this either.

About one year ag we bought an apartment together and things were going ok. However this past year she has used the fact that I was not up front about not beeing ready to marry the first time, to threaten with breaking up time and time again.

She’s trying to scare you into marrying her. Let’s be real here JoJo you know this isn’t love. I don’t have to tell you, you know. I will confirm it for you but you know she’s after anything she can get and hopefully citizenship. She’s already cheated on you, so you know she doesn’t love you.

The problem is that not even 2 months can pass in pur relationship where she comes to me with some earth shattering problem that she has. One time was her work visa, other time was expirind drivers license, problems at work, denial of application for a green card and so on and on. She blames me for not wanting to marry her when she needed me the most.

She does all this so that you’ll marry her so that you think she’ll shut up. She’s trying to guilt you into a marriage.

I have done so many things for her and with her. Vacations, outings, dinners, borrowed a lalrge sum of money to buy the apt. we live in now. Somehow it seems every month she comes with a new problem that shakes my world too. One month goes by and she has another huge problem that she complains to me about. Crisis after crisis after crisis that leaves me with no energy. meanwhile i am letting slip my work my friends, my other career plans because everything takes so much energy to sort out in this relationship that becomes toxic every day.

So when is enough, enough? Cheating, baby that you don’t even know is yours, guilty marriage, constant problems, constant guilt trips. Do you really think love is like that?

Another problem is that even we have developed special feelings for each other

You have special feelings for her. She is using you.

I feel she is far behind me and my peers since she doesnt speak very well English. I know that is something that is learnt but i am loosing patience because when she comes from work she sits in front of the pc and surfs her own korean sites and except for movies expresses no real drive to become part of american culture.

Exactly, Real Americans or for that matter real citizens to any Western civilized country that are not born there would do whatever it takes to study and learn if they wanted it bad enough. She spends her time finding a susceptible man to fool into marrying her.

I am growing impatient, and simply feel i am stuck with someone who is needy and want all my attention, takes away so much energy just to keep the relationship running and yet no guarantees.

I guarantee if she and I met today and I asked her to marry me at a courthouse tomorrow she would accept. She loves me as much as she loves you.

I LOVE her since, i have put up with it for almost 2 years now. I feel stuck especially because she is not very outgoing, keeps pushing for attention. We used to have so much fun. recently she told me she is not sure if she wants to get married soon, but wants a baby.

Well, by your other post you say she’s already pregnant. So which is it. She wants a baby or she’s going to have one?

In fact I come to realize she has constatntly used my indecision to marry as a weapon, when in fact now for a long time I think SHE was the one ALL the time that was not sure whether I am the one for her.

She does use it as a weapon but it’s a guilt trip. She don’t care if you’re the right on or not. That doesn’t make on bit of a difference to her.

Our cultural differences here have a lot of significance and I have been simplu giving into her not wanting to learn more by letting her watch Korean TV too much instead of advising her to learn and become more culturally involved in American Culture. She is withdrawn and doesnt have any friends except one Korean girlfriend who I think gives her all the worst advie when it comes to relationships.

Like use men for marriage.

She is all alone in the us on a work visa. she is a nurse, and otherwise very faithful.

BULL F***ING SH*T she is. You just posted another thread a few days ago where you admit she was seeing someone else. You were in denial she would sleep with him. You’re in denial that she’s using you. And now you’re in denial that she’s faithful based on your own words in a different thread. She is the very opposite of faithful. She is a liar, a cheater, a user, a player, a low life, and just lazy. She is many things and faithful is hardly one of them.

But we are so close each day that I simply am not sure of my feelings. I feel closed and held back.

You are.

I think I have horizons that are so much wider then her world but care for her. I feel like ending this relationship but love her.

You do need to end this “relationship.” This is absurd. If you got hit by a bus today she wouldn’t shed one tear, and her only worry would be who she could find to support her for the next 2 years. I guess she could find that guy she cheated on you with.

I know she loves me too.Advice please. Please.

She doesn’t love you. She’s using you. She wants one thing and that is citizenship through marriage. You’ve got one life, only 75 to 100 years - is this really the way you want to spend I? Kick her to the curb now and don’t give in to the hundreds of excuses she’s going to use.

[rol]

Yes ,what happened about the fact that she was pregnant in your other post?

[rol]

I'm not sure if I would agree that she was cheating on you... she was most probably just trying to get you to propose to her in the worst way possible. Is she really pregnant or was that another means to get you to propose?

One other thing, you say she has not learned about the American culture, how much have you leaned about the korean culture?

[JoeCanada76]

Number one fact is SHE IS USING YOU BUD. PLAIN IN SIMPLE. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS LOVE OR JUST FANTASY? Can not be using the excuse that she is from another culture. She is in america now, right!


Joe

[Tuscany]

She wants into the country. But (and this might sound harsh) she does not want you. I am sorry for that. But I think it is time to move on.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Well, Chuff said it best so I have nothing more to add except, two things...

1.) Listen to what Chuff said above.

2.) You are being used!! Step back and take a look at the bigger picture.

[talaniman]

Its hard to take seriously a problem some one posts when they have an entirely different post out there already. The last I heard you where having a baby , now there is no mention of a child at all. You both are immature and should go your separate ways, and I don't believe for one minute you aren't using her as much as she uses you. There are a lot of holes in your story.

[lmnotok]

My brother was in such a relationship before, and after all, he said the best thing he ever did was to break up with her and to move on. So l think its also the best thing for you, too buddy! It might seem painful for a few weeks or even months but everything is going to be fine! Be brave, buddy!

[chuff]

"chuff agrees: Cultural differecenes are an excuse to not face reality. They become a cop out for what"

Argh. I hit the enter button by accident before I finished typing my agreement with Jesushelper. What I was going to say was cultural differences become cop outs for what is really going on in this situation.

[chuff]

Okay rol I'm going to respectfully kind of disagree maybe. LOL. Let me explain

im not sure if i would agree that she was cheating on you...she was most probably just trying to get you to propose to her in the worst way possible.

You bring up a good point that she was trying to scare him into marriage. Sadly a tradition in that relationship. But I don't think for once second that she wouldn't cheat on any guy that she thought she couldn't manipulate into marriage. If she thought she met someone who was guilable enough to marry her in a few weeks after meeting her then she would start sleeping with him now.

[jojoa1]

Here it goes. i met my present girlfriend through a nurse that came to take care of my dad. My girlfriend is Korean and I am Italian American born in Italy but feel completely American. We love each other, we did from the beginning and do now. The problems started when she asked me if we can hurry up and get married because she needed to adjust her greencard status. That was 6 months into the relationship. I thought it was early so said no, but we did make plans for a wedding. Art the time I admit i was still not ready to commit to a marriage. i was not strong enough to let her know this. She almost broke up with me because of this then. Our relationship survived. About one year ag we bought an apartment together and things were going ok. However this past year she has used the fact that I was not up front about not beeing ready to marry the first time, to threaten with breaking up time and time again. The problem is that not even 2 months can pass in pur relationship where she comes to me with some earth shattering problem that she has. One time was her work visa, other time was expirind drivers license, problems at work, denial of application for a green card and so on and on. She blames me for not wanting to marry her when she needed me the most. I have done so many things for her and with her. Vacations, outings, dinners, borrowed a lalrge sum of money to buy the apt. we live in now. Somehow it seems every month she comes with a new problem that shakes my world too. One month goes by and she has another huge problem that she complains to me about. Crisis after crisis after crisis that leaves me with no energy. meanwhile i am letting slip my work my friends, my other career plans because everything takes so much energy to sort out in this relationship that becomes toxic every day. Another problem is that even we have developed special feelings for each other I feel she is far behind me and my peers since she doesnt speak very well English. I know that is something that is learnt but i am loosing patience because when she comes from work she sits in front of the pc and surfs her own korean sites and except for movies expresses no real drive to become part of american culture. I am growing impatient, and simply feel i am stuck with someone who is needy and want all my attention, takes away so much energy just to keep the relationship running and yet no guarantees. I LOVE her since, i have put up with it for almost 2 years now. I feel stuck especially because she is not very outgoing, keeps pushing for attention. We used to have so much fun. recently she told me she is not sure if she wants to get married soon, but wants a baby. In fact I come to realize she has constatntly used my indecision to marry as a weapon, when in fact now for a long time I think SHE was the one ALL the time that was not sure whether I am the one for her. Our cultural differences here have a lot of significance and I have been simplu giving into her not wanting to learn more by letting her watch Korean TV too much instead of advising her to learn and become more culturally involved in American Culture. She is withdrawn and doesnt have any friends except one Korean girlfriend who I think gives her all the worst advie when it comes to relationships. She is all alone in the us on a work visa. she is a nurse, and otherwise very faithful. But we are so close each day that I simply am not sure of my feelings. I feel closed and held back. I think I have horizons that are so much wider then her world but care for her. I feel like ending this relationship but love her. I know she loves me too.Advice please. Please.

Hello everyone. Thank you for opening my eyes. About her pregnancy. When she told me some 6 weeks ago, she said the doctor told her she was in early stages of pregnancy but needed more check ups. She kept quiet for 2 weeks and when I would ask her she said she is not sure. Meanwhile she would go to see that other guy when during the day I would go to work. When I confronted her with my knowledge that she is seeing someone else she crired her eyes out. Still claims she was pregnant (by) me but when I would ask that we go to doctor to confirm she said it wasn't my business. Since I put the pressure on that if she doesn't stop then its over, she stopped getting calls from the guy and stiil claims she is pregnant. She claims she is willing to be a single parent, and doesn't wish to marry now. I have expressed great concern over HOW COME SHE IS WILLING TO CARRY THE BABY BUT NOT READY TO MARRY, NOW WHEN ALL TIME SHE WAS THE ONE COMPLAINING OF ME NOT Being THERE TO MARRY HER WHEN SHE NEEDED. I TAKKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE BABY, BUT IN THIS SITUATION IT HAS KILLED OFF MY WHOLE LOVING FEELING TOWARDS HER, and OF COURSE THIS HAS KILLED MY DESIRE TO MARRY HER. IN FACT THANK GOD I AM NOT MARRIED TO HER NOW. I THANK MY LUCKY STARS, I AM NOT MARRIED TO HER. IF SHE HAS THE BABY I WILL TAKE CARE OF BABY, BUT ABOUT HER THANK GOD NOT MARRYING.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PROCEED. SHE REFUSES TO DISCUSS HER PREGNANCY NOW, KEEPS SAYING SHE IS PREGNANT, SAYS SHE WILL CARRY IT, BUT Doesn't SHOW MUCH CONCERN ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT COMES. HELP!!

[talaniman]

Chill until a baby is born or if a baby is born since no one should trust anything this female says. You have plenty on time to take a DNA test so relax and hope it belongs to the other guy. I would be cutting all contact with this female.

[kanicky73]

Ok, I was reading your post and as I was reading I thought hmmm this guy is really confused and then there was one line that you said "I LOVE her since, i have put up with it for almost 2 years now." I think you answered your own question right there. When we really love someone we don't feel like we have to "put up" with them. I think your relationship with her is a habit and its what your used to now. She, on the otherhand, is using you and will continue as long as you let her.

[jojoa1]

Talaniman Kanicky73 and all you good people answering my plea. Thank you Thank You . I have been alone in this and did not where to turn. I have to be brave in all of this. I am sure I will come stronger out of this. If I am a father then wonderful, If I turn out not to be a father since I feel I can't trust her even with her saying she is pregnant that is wonderful too. I will concentrate on myself. Thanks to all your advice it is so much needed. I feel I am so alone and like I live on another planet with the situation that has befallen me. Thank you all.

[s_cianci]

This relationship sounds very toxic. You might want to seriously reconsider things. It sounds like she's a user. Don't be taken in by her or you'll end up being the sorry one with all the regrets.

[jojoa1]

Scianci. Thank You for your advice. I have been so lonely in my situation. Can you clarify What do you mean reconsider the whole thing? I know I may regret if I fall for her ploys. She has been crying a lot over the holidays. And this with that guy and her pregnancy by me ,happened just before the holidays so you can imagine what kind of Christmas I (we) have had. If she is really pregnant she really doesn't need the stress. It is tough on her too. But one thing is for sure. She was looking and found stress, with her threats of break ups, break ups break ups break ups off and on for a year now, and on top seeng someone else just before the holiday put us (her) in this hopeless situation. Thank You Scianci AND EVERYONE EVERYONE for your answers to my pleas. God I love her, but this is so toxic.

[chuff]

And this with that guy and her pregnacy by me

You are bound and determined to believe that aren’t you? Every post you right you say it’s by you even just as a reassurance to yourself, like this time right here. Why are you so sure it’s yours if two sentences later you write….

If she is really pregnant she really doesn't need the stress.

If she really is pregnant? So you will admit to yourself that she might be lying to you about being pregnant but she would never ever lie to you about sleeping with another guy when it’s painfully obvious she wants one thing. Come on. She’d sleep with anyone and I do mean anyone that would give her citizenship. Do judge her by your values. Judge her by her values. If she has any.

It is tough on her too.

No. No it’s not. Quit making excuses for her and face reality. None of this is hard on her.

But one thing is for sure. She was looking and found stress, with her threats of break ups, break ups break ups break ups off and on for a year now, and on top seeng someone else just before the holiday put us (her) in this hopeless situation.

She was looking for citizenship and the one stressed seems to be you not us or her. You come up with more excuses to justify this whole thing and it’s obvious to everyone else she’s using you. Do you really want to spend your life being used?

[jojoa1]

Hello good people,
Thank you for all your advice. I am hanging on.. In light of my question post above, I did have an honest talk with the lady, I purposely didn't turn it into I fight no matter how much she tried to yell and interrupt me. Firstly I am supportive with the pregnancy. I told her I support her. NOw, whatever her decisionn is about the pregnancy I will not sway her one way or the other. I am simply supportive. But I did let her know that our relationship if continues WILL be based on honesty and without threats. Now I am of opinion everyone speaks for himself and herself in a relationship and things are worked out of course with love and care as the essential ingredients. I did let her knoe not in exact words that this relationship will not continue based on manipulation but honesty. If one can not provide for this then our relationship is effectively non existent. I put this to her not as an ultimatum but as an argument. Opinions Advice Please?

[talaniman]

If you think you can make a silk purse out of sows ear you go right ahead and try. Better to have a relationship with someone who is on the same moral page as you, and not change someone into what you want, that seldom works and in opinion a waste of time. If you think by taking the high road things will work out... Good luck, buddy.