[Frustratedhuby]

We have been married 43 years, our sex life was very good too many years ago. Today our problems are 1 I have ED. This requires the use of a pump device. 2. We have both had back surgery with us both having vertibrey being fused, this does leave us with pain, hers worse than mine. 3. She suffers with chronic depression, fatigue and generly a poor outlook on life. 4. The big problem is that my condition requires us to use the pump to get and maintain an erection, her madications couse her lebido to nonexhistant. She controls our sex life. I give her massages to help with the stiffness and the pain almost every night after showers, sometime two times a day. This only puts her to sleep or that is enough to satisfy her. I am very attracted to my wife and I am looking for help getting us back to a more normal sex life. Any help out there.

[talaniman]

What? Forget normal. How can anything go back to normal when the physical circumstances have changed?

After 43 years I think you have done well to work through a lot of changes that you have been through, and made many adjustments along the way. See this as just another one and work through this by being creative in a way that fits your needs. Massage works for her, now you have to see what works for you, so you get your rocks off, and can relax and sleep.

Start with what she is willing to do, or let you do. Hey it may not be normal, but effective, without causing pain or discomfort. That may lead you to investigate alternatives that you can discuss. Interesting how you described her as controlling your sex drive, since it seems she just has no alternative suggestions either.

That's my advice, investigate reasonable alternatives together. There are a few positions a couple can try in the older book, "the Joys of Sex" from the '80's that work well for injured, or impaired couples as yourself, and may be a good place to start.

[excon]

My wife controls our sex life.

Hello F:

I don't have an answer. It can't be easy for old farts like us. I'm just glad you're getting some. But your post DID give me the opportunity to post this picture:



excon

[Fr_Chuck]

As we get older, and there are ED issues, sex is often much more planned, even scheduled. If it be a pump or a blue pill.

So you both need to discuss times and not assume things will just happen. ( sorry if it does not sound like romance but at some point with medical problems of all sort, planning is romance)

[omasue]

Love this picture... true, so so true right? Lol

[Jake2008]

I don't know that the non existent sex life isn't caused by only the huge medical problems. To say that she controls your sex life, is to say that she can also control her pain, depression and fatigue. Maybe sex is something that is just too painful, or too uncomfortable, because of her medical problems, and has nothing to do with her simply denyig you sex because she's not in the mood.

Your needs are not being met, obviously. Instead of seeing this as a control issue on her part, try instead to address the lack of intimacy in other ways. Starting with the Doctor. Ask your Doctor, hopefully together, how the medical problems could be improved, changed, or altered (medication, therapy, etc.), in order to help with your sex life.

But clearly, the two of you need to work actively together, without blaming her for being controlling, to come to some sort of resolve in this. Only a medical assessment, and maybe counselling will help to address the problem, and find some solutions. What isn't working, is blaming her, and putting pressure on her to do something she is not going to do.