[Tuscany]

Chuff tried to spread the Rep to you as well... no such luck. Great answer though!

Waters... work on your marriage, yourself, and your happiness without trying to tear your family apart.

[UnchartedWaters]

Chuff,
Thank you for your honest reply. You are right. That is why I am wrestling with this so much. I know it is wrong and the void it fills is attention. I know that. I also know that I love my husband, trust me, this has made me really examine our relationship. It hurts me that I let myself get so caught up in what could have been shrugged off as a stupid drunken moment. I also want to talk to my husband about this but I get sick at the thought. I love him and he trusts me and I violated that. And since I did say my soon to be brother in laws name in bed, I am afraid to tell him that we kissed and the whole soap opera that follows. I have told him that the name thing was just a drunken moment and it was stupid and that I didn't mean it. We have also talked a lot about our relationship as a result. I think the attention was appealing, I know it was. I have been married for over 8 years and the thought that another man was interested, even if it was superficial, was very appealing because I don't think of myself in that way. Which gets me to the heart of what you helped me realize, the problem lies in myself. I am a strong person and usually extremely put off by women who let themselves fall into... well... what I did. Thank you for the reality check and the perspective.

[rol]

Hi there unchartered,

Well its good you are realising before its too late..
Yes sometimes we need a reality check...
Try and get your life back into order and do more activities etc.
I guess ye just got into a bit of a rut...

[Wildcat21]

Chuff - we all understand she's seeking permission. This guy gives her the ATTENTION her husband won't.

[chuff]

Chuff,
Thank you for your honest reply. You are right. That is why I am wrestling with this so much. I know it is wrong and the void it fills is attention. I know that.

Look in all fairness to your husband maybe he doesn't know that. People get caught up in life and after time take the other for granted. I think that's natural to an extent. But if you husband has invested 8 years of his life in marriage and a few more going out with you I think he deserves to hear that. I think he has earned the right to hear from you that you feel like you need more attention. He might be willing to give it to you if you just told him. After time we just take people for granted but that doesn't mean he won't spend more time with you if you just ask.

I also know that I love my husband, trust me, this has made me really examine our relationship. It hurts me that I let myself get so caught up in what could have been shrugged off as a stupid drunken moment. I also want to talk to my husband about this but I get sick at the thought. I love him and he trusts me and I violated that.

Yeah you did. And this is really where I differ with everyone else. I think your husband has a right - no I think your husband after 8 years has EARNED the right to be told the truth when is wife is making out with someone. Drunk or not. Is this going to cause a divorce like sex would - No. Is he going to be upset - Probably.

But to me kissing is cheating. Not to the extent of a full blown affair but your in an intimate relationship with your husband and you did violate that. If I were him I'd want to know. I'd also want to know about all these feelings because I'd like to think that if we were married for 8 years I might be the first one to have a opportunity to feel this void as opposed to my future brother in law.

And since I did say my soon to be brother in laws name in bed, I am afraid to tell him that we kissed and the whole soap opera that follows. I have told him that the name thing was just a drunken moment and it was stupid and that I didn't mean it.

I agree that it wouldn't be a great conversation. But to me it's a conversation he's earned the right to be in... or at least listen too.

We have also talked a lot about our relationship as a result. I think the attention was appealing, I know it was. I have been married for over 8 years and the thought that another man was interested, even if it was superficial, was very appealing because I don't think of myself in that way. Which gets me to the heart of what you helped me realize, the problem lies in myself. I am a strong person and usually extremely put off by women who let themselves fall into...well... what I did. Thank you for the reality check and the perspective.

Well if you're a strong person then tell your husband what your missing. Tell him you need more attention. Everyone else says don't say anything about the drunken make out but I think if I was him I'd have a right to know. Even if you don't say anything to your husband, you know your being neglected by his lack of attention, but you are also neglecting him. Your neglecting a problem that he could address but probably doesn't even realize is going on. Your neglecting to give him the facts.

God, I'm going to sound like Dr. Phil here, but you know a lot of women complain that men don't give them this or that but we are not mind readers. We do not know what you are thinking. You have to tell us. We can't guess ANYTHING. Women tend to think, and especially years into a relationship, that we should know what to do or know what a problem is, but sometimes men just have to be told. My hunch is that if you just said to your husband "I need more attention from you" then he would give it to you. Truthfully you might have to tell him a couple times because it takes a couple pushes to get the ball rolling but none the less I think your husband has earned that right from someone he's given 8 years to.

[chuff]

Chuff - we all understand she's seeking permission. This guy gives her the ATTENTION her husband wont.

Wildcat, I guess my big surprise and disagreement was over the fact that everyone said she should not tell her husband. And I think he has a right to know. I think this make out session, drunk or not, goes to something deeper and is the start to what could snowball into something more. For that reason alone her husband, I believe, needs to know everything so that he can not only give her attention or fill any other void but also because it speaks to where this could go if he doesn't.

When in doubt I'll always defer to you because you know what's going on in the psychology of a relationship. But I just know that if I was the husband I'd want to know about not only the make out session, but the emails and secret lunch. I don't know, to me he's earned that right. That is emotional cheating and I think the husband has a right to know. If I put myself in his shoes, I'd want to know.

[UnchartedWaters]

I agree with you... again. I know he would want to know. I know he deserves that. But the ramifications here are greater since it is not just some random guy off the street. It is family, you know, the ones we have to see day in and day out for the rest of our lives. It is a different, if not much more delicate situation. And as crappy as it is, I am close with his sister. So is he. This will create a huge wedge. I have talked to my husband about needing more attention, validation if you will. I have spent 8 years investing in that pursuit, trying daily to show him how I need to be loved by example. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me. I just don't get reminded of that often. He is not openly affectionate. And he comes from a very unaffectionate family. Again, all things I knew when we were married. We talk constantly about our needs and wants. He knows. He just doesn't do it. I used to think if you love someone you would try. But, as we've grown together over the years, I've realized that that is so foreign to him that he has to make a conscious effort to be that way because it just doesn't occur to him to be that way. He's not withholding love, he's just doesn't act that way naturally. He works hard, he is a good father, he does love me, I know that. Like I told him the other night, we are two very different people emotionally but we are still in love. I still crave that part of our relationship and I do tell him I need it.

[Wildcat21]

He's already created a huge WEDGE!! Huge.

AND if he cheats on her - he'll cheat on you on day - no question.

Get to counseling with your husband.

QUite frankly, if he was sending gyou all these e-mails - he probably shouldn't be getting married.

[UnchartedWaters]

He's already created a huge WEDGE!!! Huge.

AND if he cheats on her - he'll cheat on you on day - no question.

Get to counseling with your husband.

QUite frankly, if he was sendin gyou all these e-mails - he probably shouldn't be getting married.

Look, I am not attempting to pursue a relationship with this person at this point, just trying to give a little background as to why...
[QUOTE=chuff] Maybe I’m off here but it seems to me like your holding out on parts of this story.
And explain why I can't bring myseld to tell my husband. We haven't exchanged emails in a few days and I am actually relieved.

[kanicky73]

I agree with everybody here. Just leave it alone. I don't know if its even a good idea to email him back.

[Skell]

Im with Chuff here. After reading your first post where you made out that it wasn't really to big a deal and you sort of brushed it aside yourself it thought maybe it was best to just leave it!

But now you have opened up and told the truth about a whole range of things, form your feelings of actually hoping something happens with your brother, to your problems with your husband and yourself, I have to say that you need to do some serious talking with your husband and some serious evaluation of yourself and your marriage.

There is obviously some things very wrong in ti for you to be expressing some of the things you have done in your posts proceeding your original question.

It would have been good to get all that info initially so we could offer more relevant advice.

I can't add much more than what Chuff has suggested other than to hope you take it on board and begin to sort the problems out in your own home with your own husband!

[chuff]

I agree with you...again. I know he would want to know. I know he deserves that. But the ramifications here are greater since it is not just some random guy off the street. It is family, you know, the ones we have to see day in and day out for the rest of our lives. It is a different, if not much more delicate situation. And as crappy as it is, I am close with his sister. So is he. This will create a huge wedge.

That’s a nice excuse to a horrible situation. Here’s how I see it as an outsider. You’ve cheated physically on your husband. Not sex but still kissing and making out with another man. You’ve emotionally cheated on your husband. You’ve lied by omission to your husband. If you never tell you husband with who he still has a right to know that.

Your sister in law probably also has a right to know that her future husband has made out with you and had no problem attempting to start an affair with a married woman. That might be some information she could use now before the wedding rather than find out 5 years into the marriage this was the kind of guy she got involved with. Maybe if her sister in law who claims to be so close to her told her that she could save her a lot of future pain.

Your right this does go beyond you and your husband. But it starts with him.

I have talked to my husband about needing more attention, validation if you will. I have spent 8 years investing in that pursuit, trying daily to show him how I need to be loved by example. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me. I just don't get reminded of that often. He is not openly affectionate.

Well it sounds like you definitely need marriage counseling if after all this time he still doesn’t give you the attention you desire.

And he comes from a very unaffectionate family. Again, all things I knew when we were married. We talk constantly about our needs and wants. He knows. He just doesn't do it. I used to think if you love someone you would try. But, as we've grown together over the years, I've realized that that is so foreign to him that he has to make a consious effort to be that way because it just doesn't occur to him to be that way.

This will be my Dr. Phil moment and I’m warning you that I’m not a professional psychiatrist some dude from Florida. But her goes… Could this event have and the aftermath have been some subconscious way or perhaps even a conscious way to get back at his family for raising your husband to be unaffectionate? Your problem seems to be lack of attention and yet the person your involved with is going to be a member of the family, it effects two of the children and obviously the parents wouldn’t be too happy about this and in the end it gives you a lot of attention, even if it’s not good attention.

I’m not standing by that comment but I’m pointing it out.

He's not withholding love, he's just doesn't act that way naturally. He works hard, he is a good father, he does love me, I know that. Like I told him the other night, we are two very different people emotionally but we are still in love. I still crave that part of our relationship and I do tell him I need it.

You need to see a marriage counselor. He might be able to suggest ways for your husband to communicate and give you more time. If you’ve been trying for 8 years and you can’t get through to him then your not going too. You must let someone else try.

[talaniman]

I'm confused , by your own words he was not affectionate before you married him and now you use that as an excuse to be less than honest about what you are doing. There is no excuse for your behavior.

[chasesmommy]

The problem is this guy may not give you an honest answer. What I would be most concerned with is IF anything did happen... like sex... was protection used? You never know what this guy could have.

I'd at least get to the doctor & be checked out for different STDs, including HIV. I'm sure it will turn out fine, but better to be safe than sorry.

As for the drinking, it sounds like maybe you should watch your alcohol in take. Unfortunately you can't always trust people & they can easily take advantage of you. You don't want to do anything else to possibly jeopardize your marriage. If you do decide to continue to drink, I'd stop as soon as I started to get a buzz so you're not to the point of blacking out and/or doing something stupid.