Ask Me Help Desk - New Years Problem

My sister in law, her fiancé and my husband and I all went out for New Years. We're all friends and have gone out together before. We went to a party, drank a little too much, called a cab to go back to their house. We had a few more drinks, danced like fools and then my sister in law went to get things ready to call it a night. She didn't come back so when we went to check on her, she had passed out and so we put her to bed. In the mean time, my husband (her brother) fell asleep on the couch, leaving the fiancé and I alone. We had a few more drinks and discussed the oddities of being outsiders in this family. I was really intoxicated so most of what happened from this point on is a blur with a few noted exceptions. I remember talking to him then all of the sudden we were kissing. Then we were kissing again. I remember him leaning back in his chair and saying something about having his email at work and emailing him if I wanted to. The next thing I remember is waking up in bed with my husband. My husband says he woke up about 5am and came and got into bed with me. I don't remember going to bed or how I got there. My husband also said we had sex together and I kept saying my soon to be brother in laws name. I can't remember any of that. Now, I have never cheated on my husband or even considered it... honestly. I really don't think that I could even if I wanted to. My husband laughed off the name thing as me being totally wasted. What do I do? Do I confront my soon to be brother in law to see what happened? Forget it happened? What? I can't remember going to bed, that is what scares me.

Well- just chalk it up to a big mistake.

How about no more drinking in 2007!! No more drinking.

I agree... Big Mistake.
As for the drinking, I agree too. Just a note though, we only drink a few times a year( like 2 to 3), honestly. This has been enough to quit even that.

What do I do? Do I confront my soon to be brother in law to see what happened? Forget it happened? what? I can't remember going to bed, that is what scares me.
That is what I need an answer to... I can't remember after the kissing. I'm afraid of what else might have happened.

That is indeed a problem but if I was in that situation I would really want to know what happened. Because if you never ask then you will be always wondering what really happened. It is a Catch 22 either way but it is better to know then just pretend it never happened.

Let it go - if your husband found you - nothing more happened. It's the past - we can't do anything about the past. You may not like the answers - so just feel luckym because it sounds like you have a good husband. Stay away from the other guy - PLEASE!! Only see him when hubby is around. He's a jerk who it sounds like TOOK ADVANTAGE of you - what a creep. Sounds like he shouldn't be getting married!

Again - watch the drinking.

If hubbie didn't notice anything you probably just passed out. Some things are better left unknown though but I can understand your distress with not knowing. I would try to discreetly find out the truth.

I agree with Wildcat here. Just leave it alone and chalk it up to an experience in alcohol consumption (or when there has been too much of it). I feel that if you pursue this issue further it could upset your husband and lead to other issues for you. It would be in your best interest not to put yourself in a one to one situation with this guy for awhile. He sounds like a real creep.

Ahhh! Help! He just emailed me and long story short illuded to wondering if I was trying to piece together the evening. I want to know what happened and I want to also just forget it! What do I do??

I worry that this man is playing with your head. I say leave well enough alone. Engaging in banter with him over e-mail is not a good thing

Hmmm, do you have a gut feeling about anything? Do you think you might have done more than kiss him?

I would be in your shoes and wanting to know if anything else happened... but the thing is I think if you were both wasted and had sex, well I don't think either of you would have been sober enough to have left the scene... if you know what I mean. The fact that you woke up with your husband is a really good thing, and that he does not think anything happened is even better.

If you feel like you can manage to ask this guy if anything happened... I would do it, cause it seems like nothing did, but it would be nice to know for sure. As far as saying anything to the husband... yeah I would not go there. As with everyone else, I would chalk it up as a drunken make out that meant nothing to you, and its better off forgotten and put behind.. just be sure not to put yourself in that position again! As for this guy, well you were both drunk and both were wrong... if he tried to pursue anything, then he is definitely wrong!

Just be the bigger person and make it known that whatever happened was a one time mistake and will NEVER happen again... let this guy know that so he doesn't try anything more with you, but that you can still deal with him since he is about to be your brother in law too...

Good Luck... and well if you feel like letting us know what happened... I would be intrigued to know:) Hope it goes well!

Update...
I agreed to go to lunch with him to get the details. We met at a restaurant near his office and we had lunch. Nothing happened. According to him, I was all over him and he put me to bed where I immediately passed out. Great... except I do remember a few things. I remember him encouraging me to drink more when I wanted to stop. I remember him telling me after we kissed that I could keep in touch with him at his office... All that proves to me is that he is lying. Lying about what? I'm not sure. He had been showering me with emails then he has suddenly stopped. I know what that means. I see the writing in the wall. He got what he wanted and after lunch, when pursuing it wasn't as easy as he thought... he cooled off. Fine. That's really fine. I don't want an affair with him. I just can't stop thinking about what it would be like... just once. And he knows that and is getting off on it and I know he is playing me like a cheap fiddle. I have never NEVER cheated on my husband or even thought about it but after that night the door was opened and I find myself wondering. I feel like a schoolgirl that has a silly crush and I know I don't want it and I know it will never be. I just feel like crap. Everyday that we don't talk, I feel worse. I guess that is the price I pay for being so stupid drunk that this happened in the first place. And I guess this heartache is my pennance for my stupidity. It still hurts, none the less... and I am weak when it comes to him and guess what... he's marrying in to the family... a close family. So, I'll have to see him all the time. Stupid me... Stupid me... I get the resolve to forget it and then out of the blue... another email then the rollercoaster starts again. Right now I'm in the period where I'm not hearing from him and it is getting easier... I just dread the next email. I know I'll fall right back in... STUPID!! I know his attention is filling a void that I need filled. I know I don't want him in reality and that there will never be a relationship.. I don't want one. I know all of that but yet again, here I am. AUGHHHHHH!

How about - he sounds like a big creep!

How about no more drinking and staying away from BIG CREEP!!

You DON'T have to see him. AND NO DRINKING if you do. I bet $1 million he tries to get you all drink a lot again.

This is all creepy. REMEMER he's about to become a relative.

How about telling her??

TELL HIM TO STOP the e-mails.

AND you and hubby need to work o nyou guys!! I suggest counceling. And in that counceling you tell hubby WHAT HAPPENED!!

Sounds like you and hubby have a lot of issues to work out or there WILL BE TWO BROKEN MARRIAGES in your family... and it will come across as creepy.

That was a BIG MISTAKE do you think you slept with your brother in law? You might did that . Your really lucky that your husband probably didn't realize what happened cause he probably trust you , don't try to do more than that with the brother in law . In your place I would tallk to the brother in law and ask what happened and like s2tp said you better make it clear to him that you don't want to go farter than what happened till now except if you want to...

Good luck!!

This is really starting to sound like a second rate soup opera. Tell this guy to stuff it, and you go back to your life. You seem to like to feed into all that drama and fantasy, and I think you should get over it, and move on. You're the one letting him have the upper hand and you're the one to put a stop to it. Do so.

Aww Tal I tried to give you some rep... haha. Well I agree, she is letting him do this to her.
And what is a SOUP Opera?. hehehee

Uncharted
you need to focus on your marriage and put this behind you. block his emails and get yourself straight. You are only looking to get more hurt and hurt every one around you - It IS NOT worth it...K. You made a mistake, yes, you were drunk and stupid yes...but now your sober and your still making a stupid mistake by letting him get to you like this. Getting drunk is an excuse, not a reason, and your still using excuses to live off his attention.

You have a husband you love, you say everything is great, so stop fooling yourself that this other guy means anything to you.

Another thought on the things he has said, is it possible that he decided to downplay things so that you would let things go... Maybe he feels guilty too, for encouraging you to drink and kissing you, and by telling you he just put you to bed hes trying to tell you to let things go...I dunno, I doubt this is the case, but its still a thought.

No matter what, you need to make the decision to move on. You are the one holding on and anticipating what comes next. You need to put this behind you and concentrate on your marriage. I will not preach counseling, but if you continue this way you will certainly lose your family. If counseling is the only thing that will knock some sense into you, then it is necessary...

I hope you figure things out soon, and learn to make wiser decisions both drunk and sober!

Good Luck!

You sound like you almost want him to continue the emails so you can continue with your fantasy.

Block his emails. Don't talk to him.

Concentrate on your own marriage!

I also am not one to preach conselling but in this instance it may help to explain what has happened to a trained professional before you do something silly.

You are letting this guy play with your head. You have the power to stop it but you aren't. You are letting it continue which makes you as guilty as him!

Please put an end to this before it gets really really sad! I can see a world of pain for a lot of people here unless YOU end it! It all rests on your shoulders in my opinion!

I'd let it go and be thankful that it turned out the way it did. The problem started when you allowed yourself to be alone in this man's company. If you're going to drink, it's important for you to know your limit and stick to it. If you've outlasted your companions, then simply say "goodnight" to the stragglers and call it a night yourself.

Well I guess I’m really putting myself out here for this one because I disagree with everyone and I think you like this whole scenario and I almost feel your looking for permission or an excuse to pursue this. Some of your statements don’t add up as I see them.

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Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

Update...
I agreed to go to lunch with him to get the details. We met at a restaurant near his office and we had lunch. Nothing happened. According to him, I was all over him and he put me to bed where I immediately passed out. Great...except I do remember a few things. I remember him encouraging me to drink more when I wanted to stop. I remember him telling me after we kissed that I could keep in touch with him at his office... All that proves to me is that he is lying. Lying about what? I'm not sure. He had been showering me with emails then he has suddenly stopped. I know what that means. I see the writing in the wall. He got what he wanted and after lunch, when pursuing it wasn't as easy as he thought...he cooled off. Fine.

The way I read that makes it seem like your actually upset by it as opposed happy that it should be the end of it.

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Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

That's really fine.

Again, it sounds like your upset with it, not actually happy with his decision.

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Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

I don't want an affair with him.

Interesting you would say that then following it up in the very next sentence with this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

I just can't stop thinking about what it would be like.... just once.

Either your leaving some details out of your posts or there is some serious trouble in your marriage. Someone doesn’t just go from one extreme to another like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

And he knows that and is getting off on it and I know he is playing me like a cheap fiddle.

I’m sorry but I don’t buy that. First your allowing yourself to be “played.” You didn’t have to answer his emails or go to lunch with him. Secondly he’s one the that pulled back so he is not getting off on it. He is controlling the situation to be sure, but you’re the one that’s is wondering what it would be like….even if it was just once.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

I have never NEVER cheated on my husband or even thought about it but after that night the door was opened and I find myself wondering.

That seems to indicate something isn’t right in the marriage or a bigger family problem that you would want to pursue a future family member.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

I feel like a schoolgirl that has a silly crush and I know I don't want it and I know it will never be. I just feel like crap. Everyday that we don't talk, I feel worse.

Again you go from “I would never cheat on my husband” to “everyday we don’t talk, I feel worse” which means you either miss him or the mystery or the excitement, or the thrill, or whatever but you come off to me as your trying to almost justify any actions you might be setting yourself up to take.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

I guess that is the price I pay for being so stupid drunk that this happened in the first place. And I guess this heartache is my pennance for my stupidity. It still hurts, none the less... and I am weak when it comes to him and guess what...

You are weak when it comes to him? What? I’m supposed to believe that from one night of drunk making out that your barely remember over a guy that you never thought about in that way before? I don’t know. Maybe I’m off here but it seems to me like your holding out on parts of this story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

he's marrying in to the family.... a close family. So, I'll have to see him all the time. Stupid me...Stupid me...I get the resolve to forget it and then out of the blue...another email then the rollercoaster starts again.

I thought you said he quit emailing you?

And since he didn’t like you said, why can’t you just block his emails like every email account service provides.

Seriously this does not add up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

Right now I'm in the period where I'm not hearing from him and it is getting easier... I just dread the next email. I know I'll fall right back in... STUPID!!!

Into what? Another drunk make out session that you can barely remember? This goes deeper than your letting on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

I know his attention is filling a void that I need filled. I know I don't want him in reality and that there will never be a relationship.. I don't want one. I know all of that but yet again, here I am. AUGHHHHHH!

I think you hit the nail on the head that this fills a void. Attention perhaps? I don’t know what it is but I can tell you if you were my wife I’d want to know about this and I’d want to know yesterday what was wrong with our marriage that is causing you to think like this and I’d want to know what the void was you had, so I could attempt to fill it. I think this whole thing is a cover for a bigger problem and it sounds like you might need marriage counseling.

Well I’m on my island here with this one but after reading and then rereading this post as I wrote this I still stand by what I wrote and think this is a cover for a bigger problem.

Totally agree with chuff, but as usual could not rate you!

Uncharteredwaters, u really do seem bored and are looking for some excitement in your marriage. Why not do some sports or activities or anything else that does not involve cheating.