[hh516]

Hello.. I've been in a long distance relationship for nearly 2.75 years now. However, now I'm beginning to doubt the relationship I have.. My current boyfriend asked me out roughly fourth months before I left for college, and he knew full well he had to stay in the area to attend high school and then eventually go on to the JC in the area. Things worked out for a little bit, until I wanted to socialize and make friends in a environment were I knew no body.. liked moved 370 miles away nobody. I knew the consequences of this, and I warned him about the consequences of entering a long distance relationship. He told me it didn't matter.

However, he first would put up a front, or get really upset, and tell me to stay and talk to him when I asked if I can hang out with friends at night on weekends. At first, if I strayed away from the 8:00pm "skype" session (video chat program) on weekdays or Sundays, he would get extremely mad at me. 2.75 years later, the front turned into explosions of whenever I told him/asked him if I can go out (its a mixture because occasionally I get really self conscious about going out so I ask him rather than tell him), but now he accepts video chatting at like 9 or moving it up to 4 to accommodate school or work. And when I end up going out, we will still be fighting and with my face in my phone rapidly texting and barely talking to my college friends. If I tell him I'm in a group of a mixture of taken and single girls and guys (with emphasis on girls), he gets extremely over protective and, once again, gets mad and we get into fight based on the fact there may be 1 single guy. He tells me that he tries to improve and keep his possessiveness down, and I've seen moderate improvement, but only the past two months have I noticed the improvement.

Don't get me wrong, its not like I ignore him the rest of the week. I text him from when I wake up at around 7 to 9 am to 8 pm when we start video chatting. We talk for two hours, and any less would be detrimental.. And lately, since he got a job with late shifts and my major is becoming more demanding, our talk time now varies from 45 minutes to the wanted 2 hours, but we still text very often. Every school vacation I have I come back home to visit my family and my parents and my friends.. however now when I visit and the break is a week, he reserves that week for him and occasionally if I try to hang out with friends that doesn't neatly land into his work schedule, he gets "annoyed" with me.

I've talked about how his jealousy-explosions-turned-fights are affecting me often, and how they really make me upset since during those fights he goes on a string of: "you don't love me", "you never cared about me", etc. (which is, by the way really upsetting).. but now he's gotten into the habit of beginning to cry or actually starts crying when I try talk about it with him, and goes into a very dark and depressed mood, repeatedly telling me how he doesn't deserve me, and other degrading phrases about himself. I try and stop him, I really do.. and reassure he is just human, that he really is a sweetheart, etc. And he continually says he'll try and improve but.. he had said this a month ago, two months ago, and even six months ago.. I suppose my patience is running extremely thin.. I tried to pin down the initial cause, like I asked him if he was feeling self conscious, but he said that wasn't it, and that he just loved me a lot.

I've played with the idea of taking a break or on extreme nights even breaking up with him (I've never threatened though). However, breaking up with him would seem really difficult now.. My household is also a little bit more calming than his presently tumultuous one. Thus he is really close to my parents, like him and my dad are best friends, and my parents basically think we're going to get married sometime when I'm out of college. Thus this is an extreme concern... if its taking him over two years to stop outbursts and arguing for going out a night, what's going to happen when I'm married to him? He is a great guy, he really wants me happy and wants to treat me right, but for some odd reason he can't maintain his over protectiveness to a healthy level, because a sprinkle of jealousy shows he cares.. I try to blame it on his stress with work, school, and his homelife at his house.. but he acted like this even when his parents were still together, he course load was lighter, and his job had smaller day shifts. Also on top of his anger and jealousy: when we are together or when we are at a "peaceful" time, we laugh, smile, and we click well.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience of the long post, but please, may I have third party advice? Should I remain to wait it out? He is going to visit me soon for Halloween, should I see how he acts after the visit and see if that calms him down? I really don't know how long I can last fighting nearly every night I want to go out, with the occasional "improvement" of calm fun.

[talaniman]

Wow, you have allowed him to hold on for nearly 3 years, and now you do need a break, and some space to do your own thing. That's what happens when you allow bad, unhealthy behavior, you get more of it, not less.

Stop catering to his needs, and start meeting your own, and maybe he will get better, maybe he won't. Maybe it's the distance, but still its no excuse to still coddle him, and allow him to control you, and your actions.

Being away from him, and his jealousy for 6 months or so, and enjoy doing your thing, may give him the time he needs to get a grip, and if it doesn't that's his problem, and he needs to solve it without your influence.

Don't be so passive, who does that help? Neither of you, and he has nothing by which to adjust to, because you are always adjusting to him, and what he wants, and that's not love, it certainly is not healthy, nor honest.

[hh516]

I see.. I've mildly figured that, but I've only managed to put it off because he kept telling me he'll manage to get it under control, and occasionally he does, but I've recently noticed its because of when he has plans on the same night I have plans too. I guess I found it not so bad, also, is because I dated a manipulative, MASSIVE jerk before him who cheated on me three times. Once you pull off the rosy glasses you can think straight.

I've always been the one dumped, never the one initiated it. I'll need to summon a lot of courage.. and possibly an appropriate time.

Thanks a lot

[talaniman]

Just be straight and honest with yourself, and him.