[lonelyrose84]

Hi,

I was in a live in relationship for the last 2 years with my fiancé and we were preparing to get married. We had so many issues as our wavelengths were not matching. He is a very loving and caring person and many a times I have felt no other guy in this world would be able to care for me like that. But we often fight for small small things, he gets angry, he abuses me and sometimes hits me. After some time he feels sorry that he hit me and would come back to me. So things would be fine all over again. We both are short tempered and egoistic, am expressive but he does not express his love at times, I find happiness in small small acts of love and surprises, his love is expressed through his caring nature. How much ever we have fought we would get back as we miss each other. But some where these fights were troubling us and he used to ask me if we have a future together, as there would be more responsibilities later. We are from two different family backgrounds and our culture, language everything is different. May be because we got used to each other so much that we were not in a position to even think of staying without each other. And may be it was like our marriage got fixed and then we also had mentally prepared to be together.

Lately I met another guy and made friends with him. We both became close so fast and could feel that in such a short span of time we could develop some sort of understanding between each other. And my fiancé did not like this and asked me to keep distance. I somehow could not do that. So he told he does not want me back in his life, not only because of this guy but because of the various other issues we faced. This made me more close to him and he was there for me as a big support. I could feel that this new guy wanted to marry me but he never told me as I was in a relation. But when things got worse between me and my fiancé, we could feel that we both shared the same feelings. But I was always missing my fiancé and so I was confused as in what to do. I thought, I need some time to be with myself, and in the meanwhile my fiancé came back to me saying he is missing them and loves me still but does not know whether he wants me back in his life. But still I understood that the emotional part in him wanted me back to start a new life.

I really got confused because I was not able to decide whether to go back with him so that things would be fine and we can start a new life all over again, or to start a life with the new guy if not now may be later as I could feel that things would be in place when I think about long term. I know currently me and my fiancé would miss each other a lot as it is difficult to come out of the relation. But I do not know whether we have a future together. And because I got close to my new friend, he also has some feelings for me now and he went and told his father about me. I cannot be selfish and make any of them sad for my happiness. I am with myself now and not talking to anyone. Some times I feel I should be with my fiancé forgetting what all happened, for the love we had for each other, for it is difficult to forget him and the time we had together, for everyone came to know about our marriage, our parents also have agreed BUT we need to make compromises and adjustments so that we would have a future. The same me thinks why can't I consider the new person as I am some how sure that there is going to be a future for both of us, but it needs time for me to come out of everything which is really difficult.

This is a real confusing situation. I am not able to decide anything as of now. Please help me.

[KoolAide187]

First off I didn't read your whole post. When you said he hits you. That's enough. You need to drop his *** for somebody better. It doesn't matter how much time y'all have spent together or love each other. You don't need to live with anybody who is abusive. What happens if you get married to him and he becomes more abusive? Better yet. What happens if you have kids with him and he abuses his kids? Would you want that on your conscience that you had a chance to leave some guy you thought you loved and didn't and now have kids with him and he abuses them.

You could have a better life with somebody else who loves you and only lives/breathes you. Somebody you can spend a life with feeling completely safe. Somebody you can have kids with and not worry about your kids being sent to their room with a black eye or bruses on their legs. First and foremost you need to leave that idea of having a relationship with this guy right now. You are too good to be letting some bull headed man hitting you and then crawling back to you appologizing later. Once an abuser always an abuser. Just like once a cheater always a cheater. If he hits you he doesn't love you the way you think. He doesn't deserve you. Move out and move on with your life.

I am 100% sure you will find somebody else out there you can call your own and be in love with. Change is scary but it's often a nessisary thing to do. I am for real though. The first time he raised his hand to you. Is the last time you should had been around him. Good luck with your decision and for your sake I hope you listen. :)

[lonelyrose84]

Hello...

This is the advice I got from my friends. But he is a short tempered guy even I am. So at times I behave like a psycho when things get worse. And yes he has hit me in situations like that. But I know one thing for sure.. I am his life. That is something which I could feel over the last two years and he treats me like a baby. Only when this new guy came into picture I could see all these problems.. I do not know. But otherwise I would have just managed. And that is why I feel so guilty when I got attracted to some one else. Now also I feel I am wrong and I did wrong by hurting his emotions, by looking for some other options. Am I being selfish?

[KoolAide187]

By looking for somebody else who could possibly be not abusive I'd say you're not in the wrong because there is no reason what so ever do you ever need to be in a relationship with a guy who is abusive. EVER!! Keep looking for somebody else you will find your mr. right.

Also... who cares if you're are selfish to move on with your relationship. It's your life you're allowed to be selfish. When it comes to love you need to separate what you are being selfish about. Abusive relationship is not love. No matter if you are his world or not... let him find some other girl to beat up. You're better than that and trust me... getting out of an abusive relationship is not selfish. It's preservative if you ask me. Keep your beautiful face in tact. While you still can. :)

[talaniman]

The cycle of abuse is unacceptable, and maybe if you yourself made a decision to be better than a psycho, and leave this abusive relationship, and worked on yourself before you jump into another relationship, you would be happier, and have a healthier relationship in the future.

For now be single, and depend on yourself without the fiancé, and allow the healing process to remove the confusion in your situation. Then you will know what actions to take, for your own good.

[Homegirl 50]

The relationship with your fiancé is toxic.
Abuse is not acceptable.
Are you psycho by your admission or is this what he tells you?
I advise to to stay away from him. A person who loves you does not hit and abuse you.
Get some counseling and stay be to yourself for a while you wll need some healing time.