[djvindicator]

Damn, man, I know I should just let her go. I'm going to heal so much faster if I do and be happier. But I care about her too much just to drop her like that. My mindset now is just to move on with my life, get back up on my feet, and if she really needs me she can contact me. I'm not going to put forth the effort to contact her. She told me she needed space. She told me she needed time. So, I'm leaving to do exactly that - I just can't forget about her that quickly after the imprint she's made in my life.

It's going to take time for me, I think. After I'm gone, and if she doesn't make the effort to stay in touch with me - then I will forget about her. But for now, I think I will just give her time and space. Whether that time and space is permanent is up to her. Either way, I'm not going to worry about it too much and just let her do her thing while I do mine. And, I really don't want to test the waters right now. I've got so much of myself that I need to focus on first to even think about "playing the numbers" again this quickly.

[talaniman]

You know for yourself what you need to do, and have to do what you have to, to make it happen for yourself. Neither of you needs the emotional distraction of dealing with each other during this break up. No one can heal that way. Do your thing, and let her do her own thing. You both win, can heal, and move beyond each other.

[djvindicator]

U P D A T E

So, I had trouble finding another place to stay so quick, and she didn't think she'd be able to afford the apartment and such on her own - so, we've decided to continue to live together. After a few days, though, I changed my mind. I felt it was too hard to live with her because I thought she was no longer attracted to me and couldn't stand to be around me. I texted her, and let my true feelings flood out. Things like, "I think it's better if I just move out and forget about you," and, "I'm better off finding another woman who can appreciate me." She told me she needed me to stay: "I thought you said you were going to stay and help me with bills." I then said, "Well, you said that I was the man for you, that you'd never leave me, that you want to marry me, etc..."

She rushed home to talk to me face-to-face. I let it all out, and asked her straight up if she was still attracted to me, and if there was a possibility that we could work things out. I told her I felt in the dark because she was gone all the time and didn't communicate effectively with me. I told her how genuinely I had thought about our relationship and all of the things I could have done differently; how I wanted to change and be the man she is looking for. I told her to put herself in my shoes for 3 minutes and think about how she would feel if I treated her as she was treating me...

She broke down and started crying. First time I had seen any kind of real emotion from her about the breakup. She said she was still very attracted to me, but needed time to "cool down," reassess the situation and wanted to sort of start over, take things slow with me, since we very much rushed falling in love a year ago. She told me she wasn't very communicative because she is non-confrontational and doesn't like to face her problems; rather, she distracts herself by hanging out with her girlfriends. I told her that I didn't want to be the jealous, angry boyfriend anymore - that I wanted her to feel the freedom of going out whenever she wants without worrying about me... I just wanted to be the man she could come home to and depend on to love.

So, we decide that we can sleep together in the same bed - I no longer have to couch it. I decide in my head that it's up to her to make all the moves. She is spending more time with me, and texting me everyday! She's even making an effort to cuddle with me on the couch, hold hands, and spoon in bed. A few nights ago, she initiated a steamy sex session, and the next day she gave me a ride to bartending school (instead of my normal 2-hour busride), and later that night she even met me at a bar/bowling alley/arcade for a few drinks. On our way home, we stopped and got ice cream. When we got home, she attacked me with a sensual kiss, and she laid on top of me then fell asleep watching a movie with me. I was stroking her scalp (she loves that), and she didn't object or pull away. She's actually started to say she "loves me," something I hadn't heard the way she said it since the beginning of this month. She told me she's noticing what I've been doing to change my life for the better, and she's noticing how much happier I am (I really am much happier with myself)...

Question is.. is she trying to reignite things now that we've better communicated our feelings? Or, is there some other force at play here...

[talaniman]

She is the only one to answer that, so pay attention.

[Wondergirl]

I feel like you're doing the right things. Listen to what she says. I applaud your common sense and young wisdom.

Also, you have a future as a writer. (And I thought War and Peace was good!)

[KoolAide187]

That's great dude. To me it looks like she was trying to push you away but couldn't bring herself to do it. Maybe she realizes she can't live without you. Another thing to think about is the down side... is she only being nice to keep you around?

To help pay bills? I am glad things are working out better now but just keep an eye out and don't let yourself fall for her so easily. I know how easy it can be to do that with women though. Just watch over your own heart. Thanks for the update.

[djvindicator]

U P D A T E

And, it all comes crashing down again. Where shall I begin - ah yes, the first block pulled out along with the rest and then frickin', "Jenga!"

November rolls around, and it is clear that we will both make an attempt at seriously solidifying our relationship. I knew I had been too selfish with her, and she knew that she hadn't been treating me fairly. So, everything seems disco for that month. I land myself a much needed job and am making decent coin. She balances the time spent with her friends and I quite well. It felt like we were a couple again. The Jenga tower is built and ready to play...

I get a call from a mutual friend who is upset. According to her, my girl had oral sex with one of my friends while we were taking a break. This friend was the same one that helped me cope with my feelings about the breakup. Now I'm upset - very upset. I confront her about it directly, and she admitted to it. She said she got drunk, he had a crush on her, and it was a mistake. After talking about it, I accept that it was a mistake justifiable by the fact that we were broken up. My trust in her is shaken to it's foundations, however.

So, she starts spending more time with her friends during the month of December. Seems I only get to see her when she's sleeping again. I start to worry. Feels like she's emotionally disconnecting herself from me. For New Years, she makes a big deal about going with her friends to a nearby ski resort to celebrate, but we fight because there is "no room in the car to make the trip up." She's goes anyway, I stay home alone until she comes back at 4am. A few nights later I look at her text messages while she's sleeping. Turns out she was texting her ex-boyfriend before me all night... I hadn't received a single text. The icing on the cake? He wants to take her on a cruise, and "she can't wait until he comes back from the Marines so they can move in together." I confront her about it immediately, waking her from the dead of sleep. She explains by saying she really didn't mean what she told him. She still has feelings for him, but can't see herself being with him like she does with me. The next few days, things are rocky between us. I tell her that I'm so upset that I'm thinking about dumping her and disappearing from her life. She bawls her eyes out and tells me that she doesn't want me to leave her, that she'll not talk to him anymore, and that she's going to be a better girlfriend. I accept her conditions, but I tell her that if I get hurt like this again - I'm a ghost. At this point, I'm not really sure if I can trust her at all anymore.

From then until the end of June, she shifts between being emotionally removed from me to being utterly in love. It's confusing to say the least, and my trust in her is fading. I was constantly paranoid about who she talked to and where she was. It sucked. We fought more often. I was at home alone without her - a lot. Finally, she tells me that she wants to terminate the lease and move in with her parents. She also tells me that she doesn't think she's mature enough to be in the kind of relationship that I'm looking for. She "still loves me," yada yada yada. I had enough. I broke up with her telling her that she should take time out to think about things. A week later, she had her first lesbian experience. How do I know? She told me. A few days later I come to find out that she's setting up a threesome with that girl and her husband... Don't ask me how I found out.

I lost it. I cussed her out and told her I was disappearing from her life forever. I intend to do just that. I'm even moving to a different state.

Funny thing is... if enough time had passed and she wanted me back - I might just be flippin' stupid enough to take her back. What the hell?

[amicon]

Then stick to what you said-go no contact and stay disappeared.

Why ever take her back-leave her to her dramas.

[talaniman]

The stupid things we do for love, over, and over, yet still wonder why it ain't working, over, and over again.

Stop wondering, stop being stupid, stop being stuck. Stop letting what you think is love ruin your happy life.

[Alty]

Love doesn't hurt. It never does. Love doesn't question, love doesn't make you wonder. Love never makes you sad.

This isn't love. Not for you, and definitely not for her.

You stayed for an additional 7 months, with someone we all knew was no good.

Seven months wasted when you could have been healing and moving on.

But, that's in the past. Time to look to the future. Hint, she's not the future.

Live and learn, but please, learn! :)

[djvindicator]

amicon
No contact is the plan. I really want to just get over her and move on with my life.

talaniman
I can't believe what I kept putting up with. You're right - what I thought was love was ruining my entire life. To quote the 1976 film, Network... "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore."

Altenweg
I'm definitely chalking this up as a learning experience. I shouldn't have been with someone that young and inexperienced. I've been through a few relationships, but I've never fallen for anyone as hard. Looking back on it, I don't think she knew how to be in the exclusive relationship that I was pursuing, and I don't think I understood at all about anything while under the influence of that love drug. I've come to my senses now, I think. Time to get sober.

[Cat1864]

This isn't a young inexperienced girl. She is possibly immature, but she is definitely using you and has been for quite awhile.

Please do not make excuses for her behavior by saying she is young and doesn't have the same experience you do. It is that type of thinking which causes otherwise intelligent human beings to trick themselves into believing what a con-artist says. I have a feeling that she knows quite well what she has been doing and has been feeding you a lot of manure to keep her life comfortable.

No Contact and distance should help. Changing how your perception of her and her behavior will probably help, too. If you stop thinking of her as 'innocent in the ways of adults' and start thinking of her as well practiced in getting what she wants, I think you will find the strength to stay away.

Take care of yourself and good luck in the next stage of your life.

[djvindicator]

Cat1864
It's a possibility that she was using me, but after living with her for over a year I really don't think she's capable of using me like that... but maybe I'm still not seeing clearly...