Ask Me Help Desk - Can women break fast like flapjacks and bacon, or what?

I'm 28 years old, and one year ago, I met a 20 year old girl. We did the dating thing for a few weeks, things then got more physical, and before we knew it - we were professing our love for each other. At the time we both thought that we couldn't be more perfect for each other, blah blah blah... seemed like things were getting better with everyday passing, and blee blah bloo blah blee. Two months later, I move in with my best friend... and I know y'all are going to hate me for this, but this girl I was head over heels for - left her parents (where she was living) and moved in with us. We continue on what seemed like a growing, healthy relationship for the next eight months - with her sleeping next to me every night. She worked during the day, I worked during the night. We always had a chance to miss each other, so it felt like things were going peaches and cream. Okay, then, my best friend gets another job offer, and he has to move out. My girlfriend and I then think to ourselves, "Why pay more to live in a two bedroom apartment when we only need 1 bedroom?" Can you predict where this is going like a bad horror movie? Yeah. She gets a 1 bedroom apartment under her name - her name only, and we move in. But wait! I bought brand new furniture, too! Thank the good Lord for cheap Ikea plywood and particleboard. Oh, I forgot the LCD HDTV bigscreen (this will come back later in the story)...

Fast forward two months, things are seemingly blueberry pie with ice cream. I make a huge mistake. Huge. I'm fed up with my work situation and the way I'm being treated. I down as much straight vodka with Dos Equis backs as possible in 20 minutes and go to work to confront my boss. Long story short - we get into a shouting match which escalates into a UFC free-for-all without the chain-link, octagon arena. I somehow did not get arrested - everyone else including my boss covered for me (I don't know why). My girlfriend was a witness to the events, and so where her some of her friends who are regular patrons at my former workplace.

So, I'm out of a steady job I struggled to keep for two years, and a few days later after the incident, it's her 21st birthday. She goes out with her girlfriends, but doesn't want to take me. I don't like the idea, but let her do as she wished because we promised each other we'd just go out by ourselves at a later date. So now, I'm at home all day, out and about here and there - working on getting a new position as a corporate slave with a new plantation. All the while, my girlfriend is working during the day, and afterwards - immediately going out with her girlfriends at night only to come home to me in the wee hours of the morning. A week passes like this. We still have sex, but it's the only time I see her. At this point I'm depressed - I did something extremely stupid, lost my job because of it, and I hardly ever see my girlfriend. Finally, she sets me aside for a talk. She tells me things like, "People and friends are worried about me because of what you did to your boss," and, "I'm not sure I can commit to this relationship like you have." There's more: "I'm 21 now, and I want to be free and have fun with my friends," and, "I'm no good as a girlfriend. I'm better as a friend," and "I can't be the only good thing/friend in your life. You need to have friends, too." Think Mortal Kombat when I say "Fatality," because she then says, "I think I need a break and space to think about things."

At first, I break down and beg for her not to leave me like a toddler. We go to bed, I'm sobbing, and she cuddles me. She then says, "This would be easier if we didn't live together." I can't take this death by a thousand cuts, so I put some clothes on and walk 4 miles to the nearest Denny's to think. The next day, I try to act loving and apologetic - it's clear she can't be all lovey dovey with me anymore. I ask her if she still loves me. She says she still does, she just needs time to think about our relationship, so we're going through a little "awkward breakup stage." When she leaves for work, I pack some things, write her a letter about my feelings, and check into a motel with what little money I have left. I'm a wreck emotionally, physically, and mentally. I text her, and tell her I'm going to look for another place to stay temporarily because I feel uncomfortable. She tells me she can't be "close and cuddly" anymore because she just needs time. Did I mention I was a frickin' wreck?

Tonight is my last night in the motel. I have no more money left, and no where else to go. I text her and tell her that I need to come back as a last resort. She says that it's okay, and she still cares about me and wants me to get back on my feet. I had three days to myself to come to my senses. I realize that my temper may have cost me what could have been a long-term and lasting relationship. I realize that I smothered her to the breaking point. I realize that she's young and may need to experience being 21 like I experienced it no matter how crazy and foolish it may have been. I want to, and am trying my hardest right now to change my negative ways. I wrote a formal apology in letter form to my boss. I'm taking this, trying to learn from it, and strive to become a better person.

I still love her very much, and I would love to be with her, but I think I have to face reality and consequences. I sold my brand new TV last night and am using the money to go to bartending school this Monday - I hope to find a bartending gig soon. I read on Digg that alcohol sales are up 20% because of the recession - might as well capitalize. I told my girlfriend that I was moving out soon and that it may be wise for her to find extra income or a roommate for next month. I told her, "I have to move on, and can't be held back by you if you don't want to be with me." I found a roommate on craigslist in a quiet, restful area, and interviewed with him today. Things look good with this one, but I will continue to look just in case. My family is supporting me with the move, as I've essentially lost everything.

So, I'm going to do the non-contact thing I saw in the stickies of this forum. I just now removed her as a friend from my Facebook account. I love her so much that if she needs space from me, she can have it. If she's happier in her life without me or even with someone else, I love her so much to allow her to do what she thinks is right for herself. I, on the other hand, will take the time after I move out to focus on myself. I'll go to the gym. Shoot, I'd better - I've been paying for a membership for 6 months and haven't shown up once. I'll start a diary. I'll hope this bartending thing pans out so I can start meeting new people and make money. I'll tackle my library of books that have largely gone unread. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions for the past couple of weeks. But I feel like I'm doing the right thing...

What do y'all think? Opinions, comments, suggestions? I would please be very interested in your feedback.

Well the main problem is girls from 19-25 go on an emotional rollercoaster. You know when men say they don't understand women. This is the main age where this begins because it is SO crazy. Girls get lost in thought and stress from not knowing what they will do with their life but at the same time it's easiest for them to lose their stress going out and drinking, hanging with friends, and flirting/dancing with guys at the club. Girls still need their attention. The best I can say for you is that you should let this girl go but at the same time you can remain a friend. But that is the hardest part because if you remain a friend you will continue to try to pursue a relationship with her and it will drive her off. Like I said girls don't know what they want when they are around that age range.

But they know what they don't want. They don't want to be tied down.(most of them anyway... ) so your chances with her aren't going to be very good. Your best option is to go to the gym... work out... become a stud... go to bartending school... become a bartender... and take some hot drunk girls home once and a while. You could possibly find a relationship out of a girl you take home but it's not going to ease your mind(much) from your lost love you have right now. But if you can meet that special someone then you can forget about your last girl and move on with your life. I'd say your chances are slim getting back with this girl because she already seemed to have her mind made up before you got into a fight with your boss.

She may not had said it but she was harbering those feelings without saying it if she is going to push you out of her life that quickly. She was waiting for an excuse to push you out it seems. If she truly loved you, the figth with your boss she should had at least tried to comfort you while at the same time letting you know... you F'd up. People who are in love need to be support for their other half 100% and it seems she had other agendas. Anyway I know this is tough to take in but it's the most truth you're going to hear. If you want your chances with this girl to work. Ignore her completely. If she doesn't call you or try to talk to you then that just means you're not on her mind and you can do better. Chances are you're on her mind. And by knowing that if she doesn't call you it's because she won't allow herself to.

If I were you... I'd move on. If it's going to happen let fate run it's coarse. Don't try and force it. There is a quote but I don't remember who said it. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you. It's yours..."
GL buddy.

Thanks bro, that's exactly what I needed to read. It took a lot of seriously depressing thoughts and emotions to come to my senses, but the best I think I can do is move on, give her the time and space she needs. I don't think I can be friends because of my emotional investment in her. If she comes back - cool, if not - just as cool. Either way I can learn from my mistakes and grow.

Okay, so, if I stick to the NC thing with voracity, but she calls... How much time before I allow to take a call/txt/email and respond? What do I say?

It sounds like you know what you have to do and you have no illusions that you two will end up back together. You've dealt with some very major steps on the road of relationship breakups, so you're ahead of the game.

I think going to they gym, bartending, meeting new people and getting your life back on track is a marvelous idea. I hope you stick to it.

No contact is the way to go, deleting her from your FB was a very smart move. She may want a break, but there's no reason you have to be friends with her, or sit by and wait while she decides what she wants. It's your life, now go live it.

This site is great for support. You will most likely hit a few snags (a text from her, a friend telling you she's seeing someone else, running into her at a party) and having a support system is important for when those things happen. So use the support offered here. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than those people in your every day life.

Most of all, good luck.

I think I may know the answer. But, I will transform it into a question anyway...

When I can let my emotional investment in her go and just be friends?

Being friends isn't always possible. Most people that have dated, especially if they've been in a serious relationship, cannot be friends. You may just have to walk away completely.

I know it's hard to think that you may not have her in your life, but that's the man that loves her talking. Down the road, when you're over this, you'll most likely realize on your own that you can live without her in your life, and that friendship isn't very likely.

I'm not saying that a friendship isn't at all possible, it just doesn't happen very often. It's not the norm.

Oh, but check this out... I still have to live with this chick for the next couple weeks starting tomorrow until I can find another place to go. How do I deal with that?

She told me that she still wanted to be friends on a couple occasions during our "break period." Could she be lying to sugarcoat breaking up with me or some other reason? Or is she being truthful?

Assuming you're talking about the girl you just broke up with. I'd say just ignore her... I mean don't like completely ignore her. Just give her short answers and then if she calls you tell her you are busy. It's kind of your call on what you do.

Sort of like don't talk to her unless spoken to first sort of thing? And, even then just be real short about things?

KoolAide and djvindicator, please don't use the comment feature to respond on the thread. I know the site is a bit confusing, we're undergoing a lot of changes and a new look, but there is supposedly (I don't use the skin you're in) a response box on the bottom of the page. That will keep things a little clearer on the thread, also there's no limit in the response box to how much you can write. :)

Quote:

She told me that she still wanted to be friends on a couple occasions during our "break period." Could she be lying to sugarcoat breaking up with me or some other reason? Or is she being truthful?

Ah, the tried and true "let's be friends" bit.

I'm female, so I'm going to tell you guys a little secret about women. We are nurturers by nature. We hate hurting people, so much so that we'll say anything to avoid it.

She saw how hurt you were, and she knew you would be. The "let's be friends" may be sincere, but the majority of the time it's just to soften the blow and to ease her guilt.

Sorry, love - I'm new in this joint... and what you said totally makes sense.

Okay hypothetical situation...

Let us foresee a possible future now and say, for poops and smiles, that it's been a month or two. I've kept up with the NC rule, and she doesn't contact me - but, all of a sudden she texts and wants to hang out or go somewhere to talk. Keep ignoring her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by djvindicator

Okay hypothetical situation...

Let us foresee a possible future now and say, for poops and smiles, that it's been a month or two. I've kept up with the NC rule, and she doesn't contact me - but, all of a sudden she txts and wants to hang out or go somewhere to talk. Keep ignoring her?

Yes.

Sooner or later she'll call or text, because she's a girl, and she'll feel guilty, she'll want to make sure you're okay. Or, she's still not interested, but she wants you to be and she wants to make sure you still are. At 21 that's more likely.

Stick to no contact. This is about you healing, you moving on, and you getting over her. She's no longer important in your life. Every time you contact her, you're back at square one. Look ahead, not behind. :)

I really am trying to take the steps to move forward past all this, but I guess there is a small part of me that hopes that we'll get back together. This is a very difficult thing to shake, and we'll see how things go in the next few weeks living with her whilst looking for my own roof. Thanks! I'll keep y'all updated as I'm sure I will need direction yet again...

Sorry I wanted to get back to your questions earlier but I got stuck at work. I agree with Altenweg though. The sooner she is out of your life the better for you and the sooner you can heal. Right now I am sure 100% without a doubt you are thinking. Well if I push her out of my life maybe we will meet up later down the road. But sorry to tell you. That is the wrong way of looking at things. The right way to deal with this situation for me would be to move on and try to drop the whole idea in itself of getting back with her. I may down the road get back with her I may not... but the point is for you to move on and not worry about if you are or aren't going to get back with her. She gave up on you too easy.

You may be a great guy and if that is the case... her immaturity has gotten the best of her and now she will miss out on you. But look forward there is always somebody better out there. It sounds hard to believe but there is. Don't hope for a fairy tale because nothing in this world is perfect but you may find a girl who blows your ex out of the water on looks and how she loves/treats you. You're your own man now that you're single. Grab life by the balls and have some fun. While your having fun you will probably run into an older girl who is looking for the same things you are and maybe you will settle down with her... who knows. All I know is, you live once. You don't want to spend your life being somebody's shadow who doesn't feel the same for you as you do for them. I wish you good luck with your adventures. Btw... just a quick question not trying to get too interpersonal but if you're going to be a bar tender I got to ask what state you live in cause if we live in the same state I'll definitely be at the clubs/bars and maybe I can stop by and we can talk about life. :)

I'm in Portland, OR. Yeah, I can totally agree with you KoolAide187, but it seems like the breakup is fresh and so I haven't had enough time to fully, %100 come to grips with the situation. While I'm living there with her, however, I will do my damnest to keep my mouth shut and avoid her as much as possible. I'm waiting for a friend right now to pick me up from my motel and take me back home as I type...

U P D A T E

So... I've been home for three days. I tried ignoring her for the first day and night. She even invited me to bed after coming home when I was on the couch. I declined. We had a talk the next day, just texting, and told her to just be straight up with me. I told her whether we could work things out, and if not, I had to pull the trigger on this other place I was looking at. I just didn't want to leave if she maybe changed her mind or wanted to work it out. She told me she thought it would be best if I left. She still wants to be a really good friend. She tells me that all this is really hard for her. She says she loves me, cares for me, and will do anything to help me. At this point, I really have to take things with a grain of salt. If she really means all these things - she really needs to show me. So, I continue with my day and start to set things in motion.

She meets me up at home later that day and we finally are able to get some real, face-to-face communication in. Finally. It basically boiled down to me telling her that I love and care for her still very much, and no matter what people told me - I would still like to be her friend and keep in touch. I tell her that I'm serious about changing things around in my life - that what she's done has woken me up to a harsh lesson.

She tells me that she's stressed. There are a lot of things going on in her life right now. She says she needs to know how to deal with everything living on her own, newly being on her own from her parents - before she can have anyone in her life. She says she still wants to be friends - that everyone keeps telling her to forget about me and move on, but she feels she can't do that because of the connection we've had.

I really think that I'm strong enough to deal with the breakup and just be her friend if that's what she really wants. On the same token, it will be up to her to initiate conversation, plans to hang out, etc. In the meantime, I will do what I got to do to move on.

What do you think? Is she still being the nurturing woman and trying to ease her guilt, or can she really not have me in her life right now? Would it be wrong for me to be friends with her, but only if she made the effort initially?

Yep that's exactly what she is doing. She doesn't want to feel really guilty. And not to sound harsh about this and this may not be the case but usually a women won't break up with you if they don't have a back up plan either. You never know she might be talking to somebody she works with or has somebody she is already planning on dating but by the way she is acting she is already done with you. There is no point in being her friend because it's only going to hurt you more.

I promise you this. You will sit around hopeing she will change her mind while trying to be her friend and sit in the corner being the good friend you are. There is no point in living in her shadow man. Move on because trust me she already has. If she hasn't moved on you would be still living with her. You would still be the only thing she sees in her life. You would be her number one. I am afraid that is not the case though and the only way to fix this situation is to move on. I am sure you love her and she may "love you" but not be "in love with you". There is a difference. Either way man the only thing I have left to say is to just let go. I wish I could tell you more. I wish it was easier for everybody. I wish everybody in this world got the love of their life that they have always wanted but unfortunately that is not the case. This is the real world. It's time for you to move on from this girl and explore all the possibilities in life. Different women... better or worse... get out there and test the waters. You will be surprised how fast you can find somebody else.

But don't expect love to feel the same with a different person as it did with your ex. Love is a different feeling for everybody you are with. You can deny it all you want but you will have to except the way the new love feels even though it may be different. This can be an even stronger love if you let it as well. So don't knock love just because it knocked you. But I would say go play the field for a while and test the waters until you find something worth holding on to. And I don't think anybody in this world can tell you you're wrong for doing so. That's what makes us human. GL man. Thanks for the update though. I like hearing what's new with people's relationships.