[mansal63]

My girlfriend and I have been together about 1yr and 4 months. She had been divorced for about a year and I was a widow of 5 months. We met through a mutual friend. Anyway it's kind of a complicated relationship.After dating a couple of months I really started to like her . I tried to be intimate with her but she told me she had Herpes, I was devastated , I really was starting to care for her and I still do . I had dated and met about 5 women before her but I never felt a emotional connection like I did with her . We have never been intimate only say masturbrating with each other and we enjoyed it and it was great! For now . Now just recently this past month she has stopped even doing that and tells me she has no sex drive for the past month. She keeps promising me we will intimate and that it's just her.She constantly breaks her promise to be intimate with me and then gets upset when I call her on it. She says it pushes her away when I do that. I don't know how much longer I can go on with this. She is very good at telling me that I make her feel guilty when I ask for it so much. Any advice would be good at this point but I really care for her and she constantly tells me she loves me and doesn't want to lose me.

[CravenMorhead]

I think it is safe to assume that you're over 18.

Anyhow, the short version of my advice is that you should evaluate your relationship with her. You're not getting all your needs nor expectations met. It sounds like you're throwing good money after bad. Which is never a good idea.

The long version gets a little more complicated. You're girlfriend sounds like she is hunting for companionship rather than a relationship.

She must know of your devastation about her herpes. This must make her feel somewhat inadequate because she believes that you'll not want to get intimate because of it. Might be true, might not be. This would be a subconscious factor that could turn her off.

Her promising to do something and not following through is her way of saying no without saying no. It could be also seen as her distancing herself from you. It seems like she is pushing you to the friend-zone.

You're not free and clear here though. You're forcing the issue of sex a lot, be it mutual masturbation, sex, or cuddling. What you're telling her is that you're more interested in her body than her mind. You're trivializing everything else because you are focused on physical intimacy. Which is lacking. Which could be pushing her way as well as causing you to push her away.

So what is looks like is that the relationship is in it's death spiral and you're looking to save it and she isn't so much. If you want to fix it, you need to sit her down and talk about all the issues in a non-confrontation manner. Leave your pride and ego at the door. Be direct and honest.

After that decide what the best course is. It might be to go your separate ways. It might be to knuckle down and work on things.

Good luck.

[Cat1864]

Everything was fine with mutual masturbation until this last month? ONE month out of a year and four months, she hasn't wanted sex. Yes, masturbation is sex especially if you do it with someone else.

Have you stopped to ask if her health has changed? Is she going through a break-out? Has she changed birth control or any other medications? Is she starting or going through menopause? Is she stressed at work or with family/friends? Is she tired and/or exhausted? Has she had any other libido limiting events happen in the last month or so?

If you care about her, talk with her. Find out what is going on instead of getting upset because you aren't getting what you want. She may need to see her doctor and make certain her health and hormone levels are okay.

Keep in mind that she isn't a doll and that people do go through periods of not wanting to be intimate for a variety of reasons. Ask her to not make promises. Take it a day at a time as you work together to determine what is going on. Either that or let her go to find someone who understands that relationships aren't all about sex.

The five women you dated before her, were they between the death of your spouse and her or over the course of your lifetime?

[soygatita]

Wow, I think it is obvious you love her since you have stuck with her after her confession and without the sexual element around - important too in any romantic relationship!

I know with me, I am totally turned off when my mate comes over and wants to get straight to making out. Also, if I feel like he is coming expecting that, even though I am a very sexual person, I can be turned off like a lightswitch. The pressure she is feeling and possible embarrassment and/or feelings that you may be more concerned with your own needs than her situation can all shut her down even more.

Is she on meds for her herpes? Have you thought about taking the nurturing role for a sec and maybe ask her if she would like you to go to an appointment with her to discuss her virus and get help. Maybe you could print out some stuff on the STD and go over it with her. None of this, though, would help at all if you do it in a pushy or "told ya so" manner. Support from a different angle than just patience, might be what will help her want to get intimate with you again.

Good luck!